How do I get closer to daughter?

rls1973

TheWaltons wrote: »

child.

One day when she is older and has children herself, perhaps you could explain all of this to her.

Good Luck, in posting you have probably also raised several issues with alot of Mothers on here. :A

maybe some form of diary for when she's older?

well done for posting, it's relevant to a lot of mothers

i would second the time spent on your own together advice, do this regularly:

and remember, (not just with your daughter, applies to lots of situations)
if it doesn't feel 'real' or geniune, decide to yourself that you are going to 'act 'it out, you are going to act like how you want it to be, it then becomes more natural over time.

the way you miss her when she's away shows that the love is there:)

all the best xx

Sallys_Savings

((big hugs))...well done for realising and wanting to do something about this before its too late. Some mothers just keep "waiting" for the love to happen and then they're all grown up.

I think its a good idea of the poster above to act how you wish to feel and then it could well all slot into place.

Definitely text her sending her "virtual" hugs, even when she is back home. I send all my four kids texts with little messages and when they return home they often respond with a "real" hug.

A little bit of girlie time works wonders too

Good luck with this..sorry I havent any other ideas than what have been already posted.

Most importantly ..let her know how much you've missed her on their return.

inkie

I would advocate what other posters have recommended - spending some girly time together just the 2 of you. Shopping/cafe's/watching a DVD together/chatting about the latest groups - I have an 11 yr old and love spending time just the 2 of us.

Hope you work things out.

dianadors

Dani85 wrote: »

I know, dont feel like its your fault. Its not your fault how you were treated by this guy and its obvious that when looking at her you will get memories of him.

Like the poster above says, spend some girlie time together and learn all the little things that make her tick so that your on the same wave length as her so she feels like she can come to you more, and also at the same time you will enjoy spending time with her.

Be easy on yourself xxx

I agree with the above - but remember its not her fault either. She's just a little girl. She didnt choose her father. You really do need to take steps to get closer to her as she will feel your coldness towards her - especially as she gets older and has a sibling to compare with. Relationships between daughters and mums can be tricky at the best of times, but you do need to take time out with her and let her know she is loved.

Karrie

I haven't read all the posts but thought I'd tell you about me.

My mum had me very young and to this day I cannot remember her hugging me or kissing me or telling me that she loves me. I thought this was the norm which I now know, it isn't. I used to wish that I'd been adopted and one day I would find my real mum who would love me. I suffer from depression and have been told that this could stem from my childhood. Anyhow, I know my mum loves me to bits but just doesn't know how to show it. I have a ds and i tell him every day that I love him and always hug him (even though he's not too keen as he gets older :rolleyes:).

Well done you for acknowledging the problem and trying to do something about it. :T Good luck

MadMonkey

This may sound harsh but the first thing you should do is change your avatar picture - you have 2 children but have a pic of your son on your avatar ?.

Also stop thinking of yourself as having "a daughter" and "a son" and rethink yourself into a "mum of 2" -then make sure you really try hard to treat them exactly the same.

I have 3 children and it is hard to not favour one of them but we make a huge effort to always treat them the same. If one of them gets something new we make sure the other 2 do as well.

Likewise with rules and boundaries - if one gets told not to do something we have to remember that and make sure the others are not allowed to do it either.

Try and have a laugh with your kids as often as possible - singing, dancing generally messing about ?

Also if you could put your little boy to bed and then have an hour with her alone ? What is she into ? Could you "do" it with her ? My older 2 love me playing computer games with them or even just sitting and watching kids TV with them.

Good luck - it is hard work with more than one to ensure there is no "favourite"

Elle00

I'm 23yrs old and damn straight it is too late for my Mother now. It wouldn't have been at 9yrs old though and your DD still has her entire life ahead of her - which you can and will be a big part of.

I think you need to see a counsellor on your own before you worry about anything else. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy might really help you because you need direction in how to break the habits and feelings you've become accustomed to. CBT isn't for "nutters", it's just a therapy technique that helps people turn situations around by changing little things in their every day life. Your GP can refer you for this if they agree it would be productive.

All the suggestions people have made above are a bit like CBT techniques; they're ideas on how to help you start to turn the situation around and that's what you have to keep in mind - that every little thing you do will slowly start to turn things around. Could you start with an activity once a week where you don't include your son? I think you'll surprise yourself in how quickly you start to really enjoy the time you spend with her.

If you want to do something productive to help you cope with these two weeks (just a suggestion because you sound a bit low about it and in need of a temporary solution) then what about putting together a photo album or scrapbook just of your DD so you can try and think about all the good things you like about her?

Your first port of call really should be your GP because they're there for emotional problems like this as well as physical illnesses you know and have access to all kinds of further help and support.

You obviously love your DD to have had such an emotional reaction to being separated from her - you're just having trouble separating other issues from her at the moment but that's something you CAN and WILL work through and a damn site quicker than you might imagine with the right support.

milkydrink

helen81 wrote: »

Hi,
I had my daughter very young to an absolute waste of space of a man. Shes 9 now,ive since had a son. The trouble is that I feel like I love my son much much more than her....I just can't bond with her and feel it's now gonna be too late. All I see when I look at her is her dad,and her behavior resembles his sometimes too which doesn't help. I can't hug or kiss her,sometimes its hard to even speak to her. Just wondering what can be done? Do I need to see someone and if so who do I go to? I really want to try improve the situation as i know im missing out on my little girl growing up Its not just a mother/daughter typical clash..its always been like this..since she was about 3years old. My parents have taken her to Spain for a fortnight,they only went yesterday and I miss her already and when she text me to say they got there ok I started crying so I must love her deep down inside somewhere.
Helen x

While I think you are quite brave & open to post this and I do think its good that you realise there is a problem. I also think you need to realise that you have a child here who is/will feel all this & knows exactly how you feel (or don't feel) about her.
Sorry if I sound harsh, but I was born on the cusp of a marriage breakup from a man my mother probably never loved and when she remarried & had another child I was in the way, a reminder of a broken marriage. I know how that feels, PLEASE SORT YOURSELF OUT NOW, before its too late for your daughter. Because one day you will be old & you may need her and she might say "let my brother take care of her, she always loved him more than me anyway". I'm not saying this to be cruel, just warning you how playing favourites usually ends up. She will be messed up & you will be a lonely old lady.

I have a 20 year old daughter from an unhappy marriage. I have been married for nearly 15 years to a wonderful man. My daugher may "look" like her father, but thats his input over. She is the person she is because of me & her stepfather. I can't blame her for him for an idiot being her father, after all she didn't pick him I did!!!

Two sides of the coin, I've been on both sides.

wolfehouse

good for you for acknowleging the problem. you need to seek help and if you too afraid to go for counselling (which is really a bit of space to let out how you feel and work it through) then i would give parentline a call. they are extremely supportive:

0808 800 2222

it helped me just to do those things that show love even when i didn't feel it. It didn't come naturally to me to tell dd- i love you- but i can do it easily now from just acting as though i could and doing it regularly.

The other thing that helped me was a parenting class at school where we were taught how to praise when we 'caught the child' doing something good. eccentuate the positive...
our relationship is not perfect yet but now i'm sure she knows i love her.

jellycat40

Hi there

I have 4 children and all have been more loveable at some times than at others.

Sometimes I have liked/loved/had a better relationship with one or two than the others. You are human and therefore not perfect.

You may need some help and your GP may be a good place to start but it could be that a difficult 9 year old is harder to love at times than a baby. You say that you miss her so much at the mo so you do love her.

I had my first child as a result of a rape and it can be difficult to bond with a child who you feel reminds you of a bad time but my DD1 is now in her 20's and we are close.

You can only do what you can do, try your hardest and get yourself some help. You will find that it will come right in the end.

Hugs Louise