How do I get closer to daughter?

helen81_2

Hi,
I had my daughter very young to an absolute waste of space of a man. Shes 9 now,ive since had a son. The trouble is that I feel like I love my son much much more than her....I just can't bond with her and feel it's now gonna be too late. All I see when I look at her is her dad,and her behavior resembles his sometimes too which doesn't help. I can't hug or kiss her,sometimes its hard to even speak to her. Just wondering what can be done? Do I need to see someone and if so who do I go to? I really want to try improve the situation as i know im missing out on my little girl growing up Its not just a mother/daughter typical clash..its always been like this..since she was about 3years old. My parents have taken her to Spain for a fortnight,they only went yesterday and I miss her already and when she text me to say they got there ok I started crying so I must love her deep down inside somewhere.
Helen x

jo1972

Awwww poor you

I've no advice really just wanted to send a ((((hug))))

Do you find it difficult to express your emotions? How were your parents when you were growing up, were you close?

I think that when she comes back you should give her the biggest hug and kiss ever and maybe that will break the ice a bit.

I hope someone can come along with some good advice for you.

Jo.

newlywed

Text her and tell her you miss her and love her.

When she comes back just give her a welcome back hug?

Penny_Watcher

Didn't want to just 'read and run', but short of time so here goes.

I had a little girl when I was 18 with an excuse for a man. For a short while it was difficult to look at her without seeing him, if you see what I mean. But you can't think like that - it's not fair on your daughter because she's a person in her own right.

Not all 9 year olds like hugging and kissing . My 10 year DD2 would be embarrassed to bits if I tried hugging or kissing her. Sometimes I do manage a quick hug before she has chance to wriggle away, but that's more for my benefit than hers.

Can you spend some 'Girls Time' together? I don't know your home circumstances, but could your Mum & Dad take care of your son for a little while and you and your daughter could do something girly? Even just going into town for a look round Claire's Accessories and then a cuppa in a cafe can be time for bonding.

Newlywed's texting idea is excellent.

Got to go now, but good for you for recognising that there is a problem and looking for a solution. :T

mae

Firstly I'd just like to say please don't be hard on yourself for this, you can't help how you feel. It sounds like you went through alot with her father and maybe she represents a hard time in your life?
While she is away I would spend it reflecting on the time around when she was 3 or even as far back as when she was born and how life was for you then. Maybe counselling would help in terms of letting go of any past issues which still affect you but if you feel there is nothing you need to particulary heal then maybe the bond with your daughter could be looked at on its own.
Firstly if you are able to love your son whole heartedly that suggests to me that you are very capable of showing your emotions and love so there is not an issue there.
Try and see your daughter as an individual and not as an extension of your ex. She is unique and although she will have some of both of your characterisitcs she is her own person and surely does not deserve punishment for her dads character, personality or past acts.
Personally if I were you I would give yourself a break you sound like a very caring mother who genuinely is struggling but wants to do something about it so that puts you and your daughter ahead of the game if that makes sense.

Is it possible that you could set aside time each week even if its just 1 hour every single week that you are alone with her without your son or anyone else just the two of you? I would then let her choose one week what you do with that special time and the next you choose. Then I would draw with her one week, go for a walk with her, shop with her, bake with her, do each others hair etc all the things you can do while chatting along without it being a focussed sit down talk. This will help you to find out all about her, what she likes, what she doesn't etc etc. Discover your daughter all over again and let her bring you joy and laughter as well as the usual routine of kids driving us mad etc.

Please don't under estimate the power of even an hour special time just the two of you and make a point of telling her that no one is allowed to interupt this special time its just hers.

I really feel as well as your daughter missing out on you at the moment you are certainly missing out on the joys of a daughter and you deserve more.

Good luck

Dani85

I know, dont feel like its your fault. Its not your fault how you were treated by this guy and its obvious that when looking at her you will get memories of him.

Like the poster above says, spend some girlie time together and learn all the little things that make her tick so that your on the same wave length as her so she feels like she can come to you more, and also at the same time you will enjoy spending time with her.

Be easy on yourself xxx

jo1967

I spent the afternoon with my sister & 9 year old niece - shoe shopping! My sister has 2 younger children plus chilminding kids & other probs which means she doesnt always have time for a girl who is growing up fast. We had a ball I (I have a 12 yr old son so a girlie shop is a novelty too) & I could see how much my niece enjoyed it & loved being treat differently when alone. So I agree with the other posts some time together treating her in a more grown up manner would probably benefit.

Looking around the shops talking about clothers, likes dislikes etc may open up chances to discuss other things which you would not talk about with your son & make her feel special.

Definately texting her while she is away is a good idea, tell her you miss her, its quiet or just an update on her fave programme so she knows you are thinking about her.

Maybe you need some sort of closure over her father so you can move forward.

Anyway, big hug & good luck x

kymrob

had my daughter when i was 16 she is my only one! she is now nearly 16 herself. we are very close and my hubby say we so alike in every way! we argue, but the bond is so strong it scares me i miss her all the time. i think some people have to work hard to keep the closeness. dreading her leaving home probably cos see is my only one. try and spend time together and get down to her level. think of what you would of love to do at that age. my daughter love nothing more than when i make a fool of myself ( that cost nothing) fly a kite, go shopping or get her to give you a makeover its all fun!! (my daughter still love painting my nails) time is a priceless gift what you can never get back!! enjoy her !!

conradmum

It sounds to me as though deep down you are somehow blaming your daughter for your ex's poor behaviour - ridiculous though it is. You very obviously love her very much too, or you wouldn't be posting on here trying to find a way to feel closer to her.
I agree with an earlier poster that maybe you should have some counselling to talk through your experiences with your ex and come to terms with them.
Don't feel bad, we can't help the way we feel and at least you're doing something about it.

TheWaltons_3

No advice, but just wanted to tell you there are many Women out there who have the same feelings as you but don't seek help.

Well done for being a loving Mummy who knows she needs help.

Stop upsetting yourself over this, the years have no doubt flown by with you feeling like this, you can now slow them down by learning how to love your child.

One day when she is older and has children herself, perhaps you could explain all of this to her. I found, for myself, when I became a Mother I managed to forgive my Mothers incompetencies by realising how hard it is with children.

My children are so special to me, I am in awe of them. I don't yet have the feelings for my Twins as I do for my eldest. They will come, I love them all.. but I can bear to be apart from the Twins, whereas I can't bear my DD to be anywhere without me (aside from the Childminder who I trust completely).

You have 2 weeks whilst your Daughter is away, to realise how much you miss her. In those 2 weeks, you can try to get your head around this situation and make things right as best you can.

Good Luck, in posting you have probably also raised several issues with alot of Mothers on here. :A

frannyann

It sound to me as tho you love her enough already!! Missing her that much, is not hidden deep down. I think you love your children in different ways!