Had a bit of a Barney with the missus

Guest101

purpleshoes wrote: »

Shes your ex partner. If she doesnt want to reconcile, accept it and concentrate on the kids. Seriously. you cant force her to want to be with you if thats not what she wants.

You've got me confused with someone else, but thanks for the advice.

As I said I'm not pushing to reconcile.

bimbo84

I might have read this wrong but when you see the kids is it most at the family home rather than taking them out or to where you're staying? If this is the case your ex might be finding it uncomfortable and the kids could be picking up on that. It might also seem like you're there to see what she's up to.

Sorry if I've got the wrong end of the stick. It just reminds me of when my parents were divorcing and we never knew when my dad was gonna turn up. It put us all on edge as we couldn't relax wondering if there was gonna be a row.

justme111

Guest101 wrote: »

So me and my partner had a bit of a fall out 3 weeks ago, just after New Years.

It's been abit up and down. Sometimes we get on, when I see the kids, other times she's been really quite cruel. Like cancelling plans last minute.

I snapped yesterday, after what seemed a nice weekend. She even said so to my sister ( they're fairly close ), where I saw the kids, we had a laugh. No rush to reconcile, as I don't think that's the way forward. At least not short term.

Obviously long term I'd like to reconcile.

Anyway, was supposed to pop over on an extended lunch earlier to see youngest. She cancelled, something came up. Fair enough, I was disappointed, but just asked if we could reschedule. No.

Strange. Things were amicable.

So then yesterday I phoned to make plans for the weekend, which was always the plan. Fine not a problem, times sorted for taking kids to clubs etc. then last night she phones to cancel, as eldest had a bad dream about me. - never happened before. Now I understand she was upset, but I said that it could be that he's just abit confused and upset. Since I'm not seeing them midweek. And that she should speak to him when he's properly awake as I'm sure that he's love to see me.

She ends up hanging up.

Tbh I lost it abit. As cancelling twice, and giving me a hard time last week, just making it difficult to see the kids in general. And me not seeing them for what feels like ages, comparatively. Really upset me.

She had a medical appointment this week, which she was worried about. Which I think has had her on extra stressful mood.

And I felt like she's taking out the fact she's tired, stressed and not having assistance as much, on me. When I'd gladly be there.

Again today I said will u speak to him? She said yes. And that was that.

But all the ups and downs and starting to affect my work- I have a great management team, who are very supportive.

It's all causing me stress so I'm drinking and smoking more - which isn't what I typically do. I rarely drink and was trying to quit smoking.

She won't commit to a timetable to see the kids.

All I've asked for is see them at the weekends and one evening midweek. Not take them away for that time, I'm happy for us to both enjoy time with them.

I just feel like she's using the kids to get at me. As she's angry in the short term. ( I accept that outside factors may be adding to her stress ).

I've left it saying I'll be there as agreed unless I hear otherwise, I don't want to get into more discussions. More arguing.

So TL : DR - I think she's hurt that things have taken a tumble and blames me. I am hoping that just leaving her to it to calm down and just seeing the kids, I can speak to her about us in maybe a month, with cooler heads. And I'm hoping that this weekend goes ahead.

Oh PS when I say I snapped: I mean I emailed her to say that all the problems she's suffered in life are not my fault. That there's the option to try rectify things, but we're both hurt. And that I can't take her keeping changing plans all the time.

No real question. I guess I just feel frustrated as my mates are all busy, and I needed to vent.

Op
It is YOU who mixes children with other issues and uses them (likely without being aware of it)
Seeing children with an ex present , seeing children on her territory , "having a laugh" while doing that - that is what results in what you having.

POPPYOSCAR

justme111 wrote: »

Op
It is YOU who mixes children with other issues and uses them (likely without being aware of it)
Seeing children with an ex present , seeing children on her territory , "having a laugh" while doing that - that is what results in what you having.

Yes this is how I read it as well.


OP why do you not take the children out on your own?

Guest101

bimbo84 wrote: »

I might have read this wrong but when you see the kids is it most at the family home rather than taking them out or to where you're staying? If this is the case your ex might be finding it uncomfortable and the kids could be picking up on that. It might also seem like you're there to see what she's up to.

Sorry if I've got the wrong end of the stick. It just reminds me of when my parents were divorcing and we never knew when my dad was gonna turn up. It put us all on edge as we couldn't relax wondering if there was gonna be a row.

It is at the family home ( my place isn't practical, house share, small room - though if this is a long term separation I would need to get a place of my own. Had to get somewhere quick without the full tenants letting agent checks )

There by her invitation, not my insistence. Am happy to take them out - weather been dreadful which I know sounds like a cop out but with no car, it really is very impractical.

It's still 3 weeks, which is why long term plans obviously are difficult to make.

No row today, which obviously helps. I just feel like a month or two with some routine would help us decide what we want long term.

Guest101

justme111 wrote: »

Op
It is YOU who mixes children with other issues and uses them (likely without being aware of it)
Seeing children with an ex present , seeing children on her territory , "having a laugh" while doing that - that is what results in what you having.

Confused, but listening.

I'm not trying to mix anything. With clubs 5/7 days. She doesn't get much time outside of weekends, I don't currently either. Her idea to share the time, and obviously there are times ( unintentislly) where we end up having a laugh, whether that's old habits, or what I don't know.

Guest101

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

Yes this is how I read it as well.


OP why do you not take the children out on your own?

Didn't want ignore ur post, but answered in other two.

Basically it's not my idea, and whilst I'm not opposed, I'm not on to argue either with the limited times

justme111

I understand seeing children at family home may be the best choice in your circumstances. Split is a set of negative circumstances and whatever one does the results are whatever one does will have some negative results. I just pointed to you that negatives you were getting were consequences of what you were doing.
But - even if seein g them at hers was the only viable option - why does it have include interaction with her ? You talk good talk on here. I do not think you walk the same walk though. Why did you think it was worthwhile to mention you "had a good laugh". ? If you say you do not think reconciliation would be possible in the short term at least - why don't you make plans that would allow you to see them independently of her? Why did you mention a possibility of her seeing someone else? It has nothing to do with you seeing children. All you written comes across as if you seen it as a temporary short term blip in your relationship. You try to keep communication as if you still were together. If it worked then great but you posted on here saying communication did not work ! Thats why people split - because they don't manage to communicate. So trying to keep up communication which they did not manage in the first place is illogical , painful and doomed to failure