Had a bit of a Barney with the missus

Guest101

So me and my partner had a bit of a fall out 3 weeks ago, just after New Years.

It's been abit up and down. Sometimes we get on, when I see the kids, other times she's been really quite cruel. Like cancelling plans last minute.

I snapped yesterday, after what seemed a nice weekend. She even said so to my sister ( they're fairly close ), where I saw the kids, we had a laugh. No rush to reconcile, as I don't think that's the way forward. At least not short term.

Obviously long term I'd like to reconcile.

Anyway, was supposed to pop over on an extended lunch earlier to see youngest. She cancelled, something came up. Fair enough, I was disappointed, but just asked if we could reschedule. No.

Strange. Things were amicable.

So then yesterday I phoned to make plans for the weekend, which was always the plan. Fine not a problem, times sorted for taking kids to clubs etc. then last night she phones to cancel, as eldest had a bad dream about me. - never happened before. Now I understand she was upset, but I said that it could be that he's just abit confused and upset. Since I'm not seeing them midweek. And that she should speak to him when he's properly awake as I'm sure that he's love to see me.

She ends up hanging up.

Tbh I lost it abit. As cancelling twice, and giving me a hard time last week, just making it difficult to see the kids in general. And me not seeing them for what feels like ages, comparatively. Really upset me.

She had a medical appointment this week, which she was worried about. Which I think has had her on extra stressful mood.

And I felt like she's taking out the fact she's tired, stressed and not having assistance as much, on me. When I'd gladly be there.

Again today I said will u speak to him? She said yes. And that was that.

But all the ups and downs and starting to affect my work- I have a great management team, who are very supportive.

It's all causing me stress so I'm drinking and smoking more - which isn't what I typically do. I rarely drink and was trying to quit smoking.

She won't commit to a timetable to see the kids.

All I've asked for is see them at the weekends and one evening midweek. Not take them away for that time, I'm happy for us to both enjoy time with them.

I just feel like she's using the kids to get at me. As she's angry in the short term. ( I accept that outside factors may be adding to her stress ).

I've left it saying I'll be there as agreed unless I hear otherwise, I don't want to get into more discussions. More arguing.

So TL : DR - I think she's hurt that things have taken a tumble and blames me. I am hoping that just leaving her to it to calm down and just seeing the kids, I can speak to her about us in maybe a month, with cooler heads. And I'm hoping that this weekend goes ahead.

Oh PS when I say I snapped: I mean I emailed her to say that all the problems she's suffered in life are not my fault. That there's the option to try rectify things, but we're both hurt. And that I can't take her keeping changing plans all the time.

No real question. I guess I just feel frustrated as my mates are all busy, and I needed to vent.

Guest101

Oh and nothing to do with my previous thread on this topic. I left it as advised and it didn't come up again.

bouicca21

Mediation might help. As might families need fathers. And there's loads of support on the wikivorce forum. Last resort of course is an application for a defined contract order.

I'd advise not getting into discussions by text, phone or in person, about fault. The 'injured' party in a separation/divorce is always at fault. The other one is of course always the personification of perfection. The reality is that until they look into themselves to work out just why they are so unhappy, they will never identify the true cause and will continue to believe that ending an existing relationship or starting a new one is the answer to all their woes. It ain't but by the time they wake up to that, you will be past caring about all the lies and deception.

Keep focussed on the kids.

Guest101

Thanks

Im not saying im not blamesless, just think we need some time apart to recognise what we want and see if that is the same for both of us.

Im tryng to focus just on them.

It's like she says, i never say anything bad about you to the kids - oh thanks a bunch. Theyre kids not idiots, they can pick up on when your stressed, upset or annoyed. If im not around, theyre going to put 2 & 2 together, or atleast eldest will.

If she wants to start a new relationship, that's her choice. I'm just concentrating on work (got a potential new job coming up, which is more money too ) and seeing the kids.

McCloud1

It's appalling how often children get used in a conflict, sadly many people you'd never suspect seem to end up resorting it. I hope that's not what's going on, and it is just coincidental that these events have fallen at a particularly stressful time.

No real advice, just to say I think you're dealing with this very well. Kudos for keeping a cool head and remaining rational.

Scrapaholic

Our son has an ex wife and they have two children . If things are going along ok in her life she doesn't bother him and they share care of the children (2 separate homes) without too many problems . Things go along more or less stress free. As soon as a problem/ stress occurs in her life everything changes . She complains the children are badly behaved and that DS isn't putting them first etc and she creates stress for everyone . In your case , it sounds similar . You might not know what's been happening in her life and she might just be taking things out on you. She might feel that she can still hurt you through keeping the children away from you . I think some women enjoy spreading stress and unhappiness about . I hope things settle down soon . Try and keep positive , don't drink too much . If she does phone you to talk or maybe to come and pick the children up and you've drank too much to drive etc , she could use this in an argument against you . She might even imply you're unfit to care for them . Try and reduce your stress , not by smoking more though, you need good health to look after and enjoy time with your children .

duchy

How long have you been apart- Just thjree weeks or was that when you had your last row ?

The way it reads to me is you walked out after a row three weeks ago, she's got other worries like medical problems .....and since you've walked out you are drinking more.

Any Dad that would walk out on his family after just "a bit of a barney" doesn't sound like much of a Dad or partner.

If the children have other things they do on other days of the week after school she may be feeling that she wants to keep the routine going as much as possible without disruption as their lives are already disrupted enough with you leaving.

Is it possible the dream was a fiction and the eldest child just didn't want to see you? Kids can get very angry at parentsd who leave but won't tell the absent parent for fear they'll get angry with them as well as Mum.

I'm sure your partner is very stressed -she has a partner who has walked out on her leaving her to care for the children (does she work too ?) And some medical problems ? I think your assumption you'll get back together later on might be a bit optimistic as you don't seem interested in addressing the problem that led to you walking out on them all after a minor row ( Bit of a barney).

Perhaps instead of moaning about how hard work is for you -trying to sort out what has gone wrong with your family should be a bit more of a priority ?

Guest101

duchy wrote: »

How long have you been apart- Just thjree weeks or was that when you had your last row ?

The way it reads to me is you walked out after a row three weeks ago, she's got other worries like medical problems .....and since you've walked out you are drinking more.

Any Dad that would walk out on his family after just "a bit of a barney" doesn't sound like much of a Dad or partner.

If the children have other things they do on other days of the week after school she may be feeling that she wants to keep the routine going as much as possible without disruption as their lives are already disrupted enough with you leaving.

Is it possible the dream was a fiction and the eldest child just didn't want to see you? Kids can get very angry at parentsd who leave but won't tell the absent parent for fear they'll get angry with them as well as Mum.

I'm sure your partner is very stressed -she has a partner who has walked out on her leaving her to care for the children (does she work too ?) And some medical problems ? I think your assumption you'll get back together later on might be a bit optimistic as you don't seem interested in addressing the problem that led to you walking out on them all after a minor row ( Bit of a barney).

Perhaps instead of moaning about how hard work is for you -trying to sort out what has gone wrong with your family should be a bit more of a priority ?

I'm sorry it read that way.

To clarify, we had a row after a stressful Christmas and she asked me to go, I didn't want to. But I'm not going to make matters worse by staying there if she's unsure about the relationship.

I've offered to come round after work and see kids and assist with the house.

The call was at 10pm way past his bed time, so he wouldn't be awake to say that - he may feel that way. But I'd gladly see them everyday.

I agree with keeping the routine, the clubs finish at the latest 10 mins after I finish work except on one day, so not trying to disrupt anything.

I'm more than happy to work on things, and don't presume to get back together. I think that it's just been a stressful time recently, and having a row and the aftermath has meant that we need some time to cool off.

I didn't say work was hard, I'm saying the situation is affecting my work. For clarity I do an excellent job.

Think Uve got abit obsessed with the 'walking out' as opposed to 'asked to leave' which actually happened.

Guest101

Scrapaholic wrote: »

Our son has an ex wife and they have two children . If things are going along ok in her life she doesn't bother him and they share care of the children (2 separate homes) without too many problems . Things go along more or less stress free. As soon as a problem/ stress occurs in her life everything changes . She complains the children are badly behaved and that DS isn't putting them first etc and she creates stress for everyone . In your case , it sounds similar . You might not know what's been happening in her life and she might just be taking things out on you. She might feel that she can still hurt you through keeping the children away from you . I think some women enjoy spreading stress and unhappiness about . I hope things settle down soon . Try and keep positive , don't drink too much . If she does phone you to talk or maybe to come and pick the children up and you've drank too much to drive etc , she could use this in an argument against you . She might even imply you're unfit to care for them . Try and reduce your stress , not by smoking more though, you need good health to look after and enjoy time with your children .

Thanks, I don't drive but when I say drinking more, it's like 2-3 pints, not loads. I just don't generally drink.

We share my time with them, it helps so I get 1-1 time as well as all at once. Otherwise I'm torn into loads of activities at once.

I don't mind as we are or have been amicable when around them. It's more that I go for 5 days not seeing them, which is upsetting, and she goes 5 days dealing with house etc which is stressful.

- she doesn't work, but does do college etc.

McCloud1

Guest101 wrote: »

I'm sorry it read that way.

To clarify, we had a row after a stressful Christmas and she asked me to go, I didn't want to. But I'm not going to make matters worse by staying there if she's unsure about the relationship.

I've offered to come round after work and see kids and assist with the house.

The call was at 10pm way past his bed time, so he wouldn't be awake to say that - he may feel that way. But I'd gladly see them everyday.

I agree with keeping the routine, the clubs finish at the latest 10 mins after I finish work except on one day, so not trying to disrupt anything.

I'm more than happy to work on things, and don't presume to get back together. I think that it's just been a stressful time recently, and having a row and the aftermath has meant that we need some time to cool off.

I didn't say work was hard, I'm saying the situation is affecting my work. For clarity I do an excellent job.

Think Uve got abit obsessed with the 'walking out' as opposed to 'asked to leave' which actually happened.

It didn't read that way.

Duchy's take was based on a load of assumptions made up in her/his head for the sole purpose of making you the villain. Probably based on the fact you are a male seeking advice on a conflict with a woman.

Atomix

Shes annoyed because youve moved on with your life, unfazed by her melodramatics (ie asking you to leave). She probably expected you to be an bended Knee begging to come back.

the only hold she has on you, is the kids. Hence the problems your encountering....

Ask her outright what her problem is? She kicked you out - right?