Vent: Busybodies, insensitive!

AFiancee

I got married over 2 years ago, so everyone keeps asking when I am having children.


The answer is that I am probably not as due to a medical issue there is up to a 10% chance of the child being born with a serious illness and possibly dying. I do however love children but just not prepared to take a chance at the minute, who knows what the future brings though - I am also not ruling it out completely.


I have told a few people in work this and today one of them started on at lunchtime about how I should have babies, and how a family and a home isn't complete without them etc. I had to leave the table as I couldn't listen to it without feeling like crying!


Do some people not realise that not everyone can actually have children, or have made the difficult decision not too when they would love a child. I have been upset about it all afternoon, I don't mind as much when its just general conversation or its someone I haven't told about the risks, but when its someone I have told, its even more upsetting

Red*Dragonfly

Some people are so wraped up in themselves, they don't consider that what they are saying might hurt other people.

I'm partially sighted and can't legaly hold a driving license, but friends still ask why I don't learn to drive.

Is it possible this person just forgot about your condition?

The_Real_Dean

I think sometimes people forget to think before they speak.

Like Red*Dragonfly said, people can be pretty self-absorbed and when they are it often results in them not realising/remembering that what they think is a normal topic of conversation can actually be a delicate and sensitive matter.

It doesn't sound as if it was meant in a malicious way. Perhaps if she brings it up again it might be worth mentioning your circumstances on the matter. Hopefully you cheer up

daytona0

(EDIT: I think you are a woman actually, so most but not all applies)

Interesting proposition for you though....


10% chance of giving birth to someone and them having a serious illness and possibly dying (I find the "possibly dying" bit funny in a way because ultimately we are all going to die at some point). I do appreciate that you are probably concerned that they won't have a full and long life like you though...

90% chance of giving birth to someone who is healthy and normal, and whom can lead a normal life.


ALSO, you have used the phrase "up to a 10% chance" so that means that it might well be lower than 10%!


Food for thought, but a 90% shot is almost certainly going to come in for you. ALSO, no couple in the history of the universe will have a 100% success rate in having a normal healthy baby. To put it into an analogy, take a deck of cards and remove the 2h and 2d leaving 50 cards.... Shuffle the 50 cards and pick one at random. If you get an Ace or a 2 then you lose (6/50 cards or 12%). If you get a 3,4,5,6,7,8,9,T,J,Q or K then you win. You're probably going to win.

Additionally, one can note that adoption is a perfectly respectful and reasonable option for those who can't necessarily have babies by a conventional method. Also, if the 10% risk is down to you, your partner has other means of getting pregnant and having a baby which is considered yours.

Finally, people are entitled to their own opinions and on this occasion they have simply mentioned something which is conventional in society. You should recognise that firstly your business is your own and secondly they are not necessarily having a dig at you but rather just expressing their views (maybe they forgot!).


Ultimately, though, you need to evaluate what you want from life and whether you want a kid by one of the number of methods available. Also recognise that people are going to talk about babies and stuff until the cows come home, not necessarily with the objective to upset you. You've gotta man up, accept that people will talk about it and sort out your own life so that you don't end up crying when someone mentions it in the future

Johnandabby

Unfortunately there are a lot of idiots out there who can't control their own mouth. My wife has had medical problems which made having children appear impossible, and had to put up with family, friends and strangers insensitively telling us that we had to have children, and that our lives wouldn't be complete without.

However, you just never know what the future brings! After 9 yrs of marriage my wife is now 33 weeks pregnant! And we've had some great holidays and spent time strengthening the marriage, as well as building a successful business, which would have been more difficult if we had a baby early on.

Morglin

Johnandabby wrote: »

Unfortunately there are a lot of idiots out there who can't control their own mouth. My wife has had medical problems which made having children appear impossible, and had to put up with family, friends and strangers insensitively telling us that we had to have children, and that our lives wouldn't be complete without.

However, you just never know what the future brings! After 9 yrs of marriage my wife is now 33 weeks pregnant! And we've had some great holidays and spent time strengthening the marriage, as well as building a successful business, which would have been more difficult if we had a baby early on.

Congrats on the pregnancy! :beer:

Lin

Morglin

AFiancee wrote: »

I got married over 2 years ago, so everyone keeps asking when I am having children.


The answer is that I am probably not as due to a medical issue there is up to a 10% chance of the child being born with a serious illness and possibly dying. I do however love children but just not prepared to take a chance at the minute, who knows what the future brings though - I am also not ruling it out completely.


I have told a few people in work this and today one of them started on at lunchtime about how I should have babies, and how a family and a home isn't complete without them etc. I had to leave the table as I couldn't listen to it without feeling like crying!


Do some people not realise that not everyone can actually have children, or have made the difficult decision not too when they would love a child. I have been upset about it all afternoon, I don't mind as much when its just general conversation or its someone I haven't told about the risks, but when its someone I have told, its even more upsetting

I don't know why some people cannot help inflicting their views on others! :think:

You are the one that should decide whether or not to attempt to have children, and I certainly don't believe that life is incomplete without them.

Many of my friends are childless, some by choice, some not, but they all have nice lives and a lot of enjoyment.

Enjoy your life, whatever you decide yo do, and ignore those with 'sticky beaks' - anyone that needs to get over involved in what others are doing obviously has a pretty boring life themselves.

Lin

AFiancee

daytona0 wrote: »

(EDIT: I think you are a woman actually, so most but not all applies)

Interesting proposition for you though....


10% chance of giving birth to someone and them having a serious illness and possibly dying (I find the "possibly dying" bit funny in a way because ultimately we are all going to die at some point). I do appreciate that you are probably concerned that they won't have a full and long life like you though...

90% chance of giving birth to someone who is healthy and normal, and whom can lead a normal life.


ALSO, you have used the phrase "up to a 10% chance" so that means that it might well be lower than 10%!


Food for thought, but a 90% shot is almost certainly going to come in for you. ALSO, no couple in the history of the universe will have a 100% success rate in having a normal healthy baby. To put it into an analogy, take a deck of cards and remove the 2h and 2d leaving 50 cards.... Shuffle the 50 cards and pick one at random. If you get an Ace or a 2 then you lose (6/50 cards or 12%). If you get a 3,4,5,6,7,8,9,T,J,Q or K then you win. You're probably going to win.

Additionally, one can note that adoption is a perfectly respectful and reasonable option for those who can't necessarily have babies by a conventional method. Also, if the 10% risk is down to you, your partner has other means of getting pregnant and having a baby which is considered yours.

Finally, people are entitled to their own opinions and on this occasion they have simply mentioned something which is conventional in society. You should recognise that firstly your business is your own and secondly they are not necessarily having a dig at you but rather just expressing their views (maybe they forgot!).

Ultimately, though, you need to evaluate what you want from life and whether you want a kid by one of the number of methods available. Also recognise that people are going to talk about babies and stuff until the cows come home, not necessarily with the objective to upset you. You've gotta man up, accept that people will talk about it and sort out your own life so that you don't end up crying when someone mentions it in the future

Correct - I am a woman, and yes the risk is due to me, as for the possibly dying, my sister was born with the same condition and only lived for 2 months.


I do know that 10% chance means there is a 90% chance of a healthy baby, that is why I have not ruled it out completely, but 10% is also quite significant and at the minute its a risk my husband and I aren't ready for.


The decision is mine and my husbands alone, I wish other people would just stop asking about children, especially people that have been told, I don't mind people talking about babies and children, I do mind when they keep asking me despite knowing my reasons - but maybe they did forget.


If she mentions it again I might talk to away from the others and remind her, otherwise just let it go.


Thanks for your input

aileth

People really, really don't think before they speak.

As far as I know, we can have kids without issues (fingers crossed), but I got terribly upset when MIL ranted at us each time we saw her that we shouldn't have kids etc, but then when SIL got knocked up she went bonkers and lavished them with affection etc. As I said to my husband, what if we couldn't have kids because of a condition? Feels like we are 'lesser beings' in her eyes! Plus the fact she was ranting at us not to have kids, did she feel we were unsuitable or something? I'm sure she only had good intentions, i.e. live your life before having them, but bloody hell it stung.

geerex

If people had to stop and think before considering if they'd offend someone, pretty soon nobody would be saying anything.
People need to remember that its them that's abnormal/different/odd/whatever you want to call it. It's a majority rules world, you only have to look to our own home-bred terrorists to see the damage that's done when society forgets the majority.

somethingcorporate

Wait until you have kids, then the busybodys have a field day with giving their opinions on food/sleep/feeding etc.

Just tell them to take a long walk off a short pier, none of their business.

When you have one everyone wants to know when you are going to bring them a brother/sister even if you have a reason (like yours) for not having more.

People just like to yack and stick their oar in, just ignore it.