access to my daughter after relationship break down

dorothyjeffery

my sons relationship has gone pear shaped and he has moved back in with me. they are not married, but he is on the birth certificate, which i understand gives him full parental rights, whatever that may mean.

he is really struggling with hardly seeing his little girl, aged 3.

the childs mother is really being what i think is very unfair and is saying the he can only see her every other weekend.

she is also changing/cancelling arrangements at the last minute. this is all being done through a mediator, who is her mothers partner.(the little girl calls him pops, as a sort of grandad.)

yesterday, my son was thrilled to bits because he was told he could have here here for her tea and she could stay over friday night. today he had a text from the mediator to say its all changed, only coming tea. when he asked why, he was told that 'thats whats on the table, take it or leave it'

he isnt allowed to talk to his little one on the phone, not even to say goodnight.

its all such a shame. childs mother wont talk to him or anyone else at all. and when the little one has to go home, she doesnt want to go. and when the mediator (her pops) came to get her on sunday and she told him that she wanted to stay with daddy, he told her she couldnt, that she had to go back to mummy, she said she didnt want to, and if she couldnt stay with daddy, could she go with him instead!!!. she wants/needs to see her daddy a lot more than she is. and so does her daddy need to see her. and so do i!!!!

he went to the CAB this evening and they just printed off a load of paperwork for him to read. it says about lots of way to deal with stuff when access goes wrong, but it doesnt say what you can do to get a proper access in the first place. and what is considered reasonable or unreasonable access. any advice will be gratefully received.

marisco_2

Your son needs to speak to a solicitor that specialises in family law. Many offer a first free half hour consultation, which may help to answer many of the questions he has, and give him a clear idea of his rights and how best to proceed with putting regular and consistent access in place.

This must be such a stressful time for him, yourself and the little girl. A child needs their dad in their lives. A mum fails her child dreadfully when she chooses to ignore that a dads involvement, interest, love, support and positive influence, is crucial to how well they develop.

It is cruel on so many levels to the child and the father to interfere in any way with their bond and relationship. I hope that everything will work out well. Good luck.

double_mummy

thats about normal tbh

he can fight her through the courts for more access but she can just ignore that - there are no real consequences the best way is just to play nice with her and have his daughter whenever she is offered

marisco_2

double_mummy wrote: »

thats about normal tbh

I beg to differ.

There is nothing normal about blocking a father from having any phone contact with his own child. Nor in causing the child huge amounts of stress and uncertainty, by playing pathetic spiteful control games and changing access arrangements at the last minute.

In her determination to cause pain and upset to the OPs son, this woman is also inflicting totally unnecessary worry and anxiety, in a child who's emotional wellbeing and stability should be her number one priority.

j.e.j.

double_mummy wrote: »

thats about normal tbh

he can fight her through the courts for more access but she can just ignore that - there are no real consequences the best way is just to play nice with her and have his daughter whenever she is offered

If that's the case that is crazy!

The agreed access should be legally binding.

And how often to you hear about a parent who should not have access to their kids (maybe because they're violent or the kids would be at risk) but there's nothing the other parent can do to stop it.

double_mummy

marisco wrote: »

I beg to differ.

There is nothing normal about blocking a father from having any phone contact with his own child. Nor in causing the child huge amounts of stress and uncertainty, by playing pathetic spiteful control games and changing access arrangements at the last minute.

In her determination to cause pain and upset to the OPs son, this woman is also inflicting totally unnecessary worry and anxiety, in a child who's emotional wellbeing and stability should be her number one priority.

sorry probably should have elaborated lol

i meant that every other weekend is about normal not all of the other stuff in the OPs post

i completely agree that the mother behaving in this way is wrong and the only one who is really going to be hurt in all of this is the daughter

j.e.j google enforcement of contact orders and you will see how difficult it is and how reluctant the courts are to do it

marleyboy

Firstly, I am not sure her partner can be classed as the mediator, in that he has a connection within the family.

I would allow her around for tea and let this mediator know that you have changed your mind and allowed her to stay the evening, whether they like it or not. Play them at their own game. If they feel its a matter for the police to be involved, invite it. Her natural Father has just as many rights as the Mother.

The mediator, has no say whatsoever, no matter who they claim to be.

iammumtoone

every other weekend is not normal, for a child to go two weeks before seeing the other parent is not right.

I would regard 'normal' as stay over every other weekend and one night every week for a sleepover or even just tea as long as it is some contact.

when you say mediator are they an official mediator (ie someone who does this as a living and you have to pay) or someone who is just a friend who is acting as a mediator. If the former I would be ringing the company/charity they work for advising them of the family connection, and ask for them to be removed from the case and assigned another person. If the later I would be starting the process of going through an official mediator.

dorothyjeffery

Marleyboy. the 'mediator is the childs mothers 'sort of' step father. he was married to her mother, then wasnt, and now lives with her mother. complication but they are one big complicated family. but being and having a connection to the family, he is always going to come down on her side, no matter what. he has actually said to my son that 'she isnt all there at the moment. and the messages he realys to my son arent from him, but from my sons ex. he also brings baby and takes her back.

i think that this is all about control, spite and hurt. childs mother - and her mother, have both been diagnosed with some mental probs: bi polar and others mentioned. and i know everyone says that their daughters in law are nuts...well this one really is. and so is her mother. you have to wonder about the safety of her children. she has my sons daughter and also has a son by someone else, who has called my son his dad since he was 4 and he is now almost 12. and he isnt allowed to see him either. there is no history of violence or anything else. she is just nuts!!!! and having her here for tea them keeping her overnight, is something that right now, would really upset the applecart. we have already had the ex's mother on phone threatening to send people round to break my sons legs!!!! walking on eggshells at the mo, because we know just how unpredictable they are. you never know what they will do next.......

Person_one

Be careful about throwing around allegations that the child's mother is 'nuts' and unfit to look after her children. I'm assuming you didn't raise these concerns for the 7/8 years she was your son's partner, so it just makes you look spiteful.

If there has been a threat of violence made, your son should probably inform the police.

dorothyjeffery

yes, these things have all been said before, and not just by me. she is well known im afraid.

i wanted to log the threat with the police because if he is living with me, any threat like that could affect me and my home. but he said not to. trying to do the right thing and not stirring it up any more than it needs to be. and would prob have made things a thousand times worse. but have told him just one more incident like that, and i WILL go to police, not matter what he says.

i have found a solicitor where we are who gives a free half hour and have emailed them. so thanks for that advice. thought they didnt do that any more!!! onwards and upwards....