Opinions please..

FBaby

I don't think it is possible to draw any conclusions from the few words written here. Is he unhappy with the situation? If so, first thing to do is not to convince yourself you are doing nothing wrong, but trying to understand why he would be from his position.

There could be so many factors. Maybe he feels that he would prefer to work, but is staying home because it suits the family better and he feels resentful about it. Maybe he feels that he has to arrange his free time around your schedule, maybe he just feels used as a baby sitter with you preferring your time alone than time with family. Who knows.

Is anyone disabled in the family? Sounds like very few hours work between the two of you, so again, there could be more to it than what has been shared so far.

elsien

TBeckett100 wrote: »

A man typically is the breadwinner and does not view childminding as fun (this is biological).

It really isn't, it's a cultural phenomenon. Child minding can be mind numbingly dull whether you have dangly bits or not.

Plus you are suggesting that in addition to working, looking after child the rest of the time, and actually having some fun and outside interests as well she now should back off and pander his poor male ego because he doesn't like it and is having a sulk?
As others have said, not enough info to give useful advice, but your assumptions did rile me slightly.

DigForVictory

+1 for there's something adrift but we can't see what.

That said, I rather wonder if Mr.bubblycrazy posts anywhere. I don't think either are entirely happy.

enthusiasticsaver

16 hours out of the house doesn't seem that much to be honest so are you saying that he only looks after your child when you are not there? Presumably he is the child's father and I am not sure what he means by "he may as well be a full time dad", surely he is that anyway? Does he mean a full time carer and he is suggesting you work full time. Why is he not working?


Luckily both my DH and myself both have outside interests as I would find a relationship where I needed "permission" to go out for a meal or to the cinema or theatre with a friend from my OH quite suffocating. I would suggest your OH has some issues either with self esteem or is very controlling. He also needs to get a job or do some voluntary work so he can gain some confidence and maybe make some friends, interests of his own.

FBaby

Luckily both my DH and myself both have outside interests as I would find a relationship where I needed "permission" to go out for a meal or to the cinema or theatre with a friend from my OH quite suffocating.

I agree with this, but not when you have small children. It is such a common theme of resentment amongst parents of young children, when one feel they don't have to ask permission and feel they can go out when they want, taking for granted that the other parent will be there to look after the kids.

My views is that as long as your children are too young to be able to stay home alone, any time away separately outside of work should be agreed either as it comes up, or on a planned way. I have a friend who is, as much as her husband very active outside of home. They have agreed on 'free' nights for each, based around various activities and that works for them.

TBeckett100

elsien wrote: »

It really isn't, it's a cultural phenomenon. Child minding can be mind numbingly dull whether you have dangly bits or not.

Plus you are suggesting that in addition to working, looking after child the rest of the time, and actually having some fun and outside interests as well she now should back off and pander his poor male ego because he doesn't like it and is having a sulk?
As others have said, not enough info to give useful advice, but your assumptions did rile me slightly.

I was suggesting that she reassures him a little, not pander.

The post didn't give the impression that arguments had occurred which would give rise to more assertiveness. Managing relationships need a little gentle nudge but if it's going too far down the road then harsher tones may be required.

As for the breadwinner debate, you'll find that most men are the breadwinner as we don't have the ability to take a year off. Women can better cope and have greater patience than people with dangly bits

bubblycrazy

Thanks for the opinions so far. I will try to answer as many questions as I can. I don't want to give away too many finer points in case someone recognises my whole timetable and figures out who I am!
Sorry I don't know how to do multiple quotes.


Job wise - He is on long term sick and doesn't work.
I have a part time job which is 10 hours a week. I also have a job working from home but haven't mentioned this as it is time spent at home, and at the moment I am not doing many hours, this will probably change in March.


meer53 - Yes he can be controlling, it took me years to realise this and to be more assertive myself.


paddy's mum - I do find it utterly suffocating and left him once (before children) because of it. He has been a lot better since then.


trolleyrun - our child is now eligible for a free nursery place for 2 and a half days a week. Not sure if this will make a difference to things.


Morglin - This came up in an argument, he was basically saying I'm selfish and he 'bends over backwards' for me. However I'm not sure what he wants me to do instead - not go out?


FBaby - He is mostly ok with the situation at the moment, until we have a row when he brings up how much he does for me, which is why I asked for opinions.
My time outside the home is in a planned way and none of the activities are on a night (I did go out for a xmas meal with the volunteer group and that has been thrown back at me. It was planned a month in advance.)


enthusiasticsaver - When I am there we both look after our child as he doesn't go anywhere even though I encourage him to. He sometimes goes out for a couple of hours one morning a week but that's about it.
There's lots of things he could be doing but just doesn't.


When he said he may as well be a full time dad I think he was saying that he looks after our child more than I do.


I think he has self esteem issues and likes to be in control. His self esteem issues are hidden well by an overpowering personality when out in public.


To be honest I don't think it's fully to do with our child, as he would complain about not seeing me and being alone if I was to go to a friend's with our child for the day.
He is very much a person who feels that being in a relationship means spending all of your time together, and he is not someone who needs alone time, he doesn't really enjoy his own company.

orangeslimes

Does he have friends or hobbies? It sounds like he could do with some outside interests, and he is just taking out the fact that you have some on you.

I don't think you are unreasonable. I don't think I'd like to be with someone so controlling.

Person_one

TBeckett100 wrote: »

Women can better cope and have greater patience than people with dangly bits

Well there's nothing like a sweeping generalisation, and well done on one that insults both genders equally!

Armorica

What is he actually doing for you? He doesn't seem to being pulling his own fair share, let alone doing anything that supports you.