time to admit they're old

Mupette

i'm in similar situation.

Only child, dad 66 in a few days, mum 66 later in the year, i live in the UK and they live in France, dad has ill health, we almost lost him late last year.

Going over in June for a holiday but also to have that talk of what to do when they are gone (joint decision).

my funds are limited to part time work, i really cant do anymore as i am disabled. I dread the future,

margaretclare

Wymondham, I've PM'd you about Dad's prostate. This is an extremely common problem, modern treatments are excellent and very effective, but one problem of the 'older generations' is they/we tend to be too passive and don't get on the phone demanding something be done.

Don't agree with you about 'men of that generation' not doing much around the house. Maybe the women encouraged it, but almost all will have been in the forces where they had to do their own cleaning, washing, ironing, you name it. Either that or I've been lucky. In my second marriage now, men born 1933 and 1934, and both have been willing to do everything and anything in a house.

We no longer have pets - too much responsibility. The large dog you mention probably makes more mess than both parents together. People regard a long-standing pet as 'one of the family'.

It's possible to turn the garden into a wildlife refuge. Also, with that big house, would it be possible to turn the ground floor into a self-contained flat? Do they have to go upstairs?

I don't think it's possible to be discreet about this (discreet, not discrete). You either have to come straight out and say what you think based on what you see happening, or put up and shut up.

However, there is a more sinister thing lurking in the background, and it relates to the 'forgetting where his money is' and inability to make a decision. Have a look at this: http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/

margaretclare

About my earlier post, we didn't make it to the christening at Easter. Years ago we didn't mind flights leaving in the early hours or arriving extremely late - now we don't travel that way. We just could not find convenient flights at our end of the country. So we didn't go. Nor did we make it to Conference at York. We did, however, get away for Mothering Sunday weekend in Yorkshire and had a nice meal with my eldest GD. DH said he wanted to see some scenery so I made sure he saw some, right up to Heptonstall where the car almost stands on its rear end to go round one of the corners the Tour de France cyclists had to negotiate a year ago.

We get enormous pleasure out of simple things. The wildlife in the back garden, feeding them, thinking we're doing something useful. Yesterday DH thought of going to a motorcycle get-together and old motorbike show at North Weald, an old WWII airfield. One look at the distance to walk between the car parks and the actual exhibition and it was 'no, not worth the effort'. I thought he'd be disappointed but no, just very realistic. I forbore to say 'I could have told you so!'

I'm simplifying things a bit. Just chucked out a whole load of stuff relating to DWP pensions, you name it, going back at least 10 years. Since the changes in April re tax and pensions I'm thinking of extracting all the money in my SIPP and putting it into my S&S ISA rather than doing annual drawdown on which I pay tax @ 20%. DH can inherit my ISA and it will make more sense.

Since January I developed another weird thing called diverticular disease which is apparently extremely common in the post-50 age-groups. I had some of the investigations done in the private sector because I didn't want to wait. I'd always do that rather than subject myself to the NHS's delays. They can be excellent, but they're just overstretched and under-funded. I don't like having to wait for things.

We're going out for afternoon tea tomorrow at one of the local hotels. It's so popular you have to book! The day after, our gardener comes. I have to be careful she doesn't pull up my wildflowers thinking they're weeds!

welshbookworm

I am the Mum and my daughter is well aware my health is failing, (I'm only early 50's!)
When she comes to visit she 'takes over' and does the things I struggle with
eg. I needed a new fridge, but was struggling to organise the delivery (I still work full time) 3 hours from telling her ,she had a new fridge coming through the door!
I have learnt to let her know when I need help which means she's not always checking up on me and 'taking over' but is still there to help when I need it.
She has no problem being a 'Mum' to me

Savvy_Sue

wymondham wrote: »

How can we help without damaging our relationship?? How can you help people who don't seem to want to help themselves?

You can't. You may have to wait for the accident. It's not nice, but it may be better to retain the relationship and step in when it IS all too much, rather than trying to pre-empt things.

With my parents, they 'down-sized' to a five bed property which would have been a complete nightmare to get in and out of in a wheelchair. Fortunately we didn't reach that stage.

It was also the wrong side of town to where one of my siblings lives, so difficult for 'just passing, thought I'd pop in' visits. Neither of them ever learned to drive - they'd lived in London, where the public transport was there on the doorstep. Dad admitted that he hadn't thought about the future in terms of becoming ill.

Towards the end, he would have liked to move again, somewhere much smaller. But everything took so long, they couldn't cope with another move, especially as suggestions of help were firmly rejected by Mother - I suggested getting a de-clutterer in, and that went down like a lead balloon!

Mum lived independently for a few years after Dad died - he wouldn't have lasted a month without her. She had a cleaner and a gardener, and lots of being picked up in a minibus to go shopping / to clubs / to the local Age UK day centre for lunch.

When she died, we looked at the house and called in the professionals ... Fortunately she only spent a week in hospital, at the end, and died before we could have the difficult conversations about whether or not she'd ever be able to cope at home again. She would have HATED it if she hadn't been able to go home, she fiercely resisted any suggestion that she needed help or care - she preferred to get the help she needed with phone calls, for example, when she was at the day centre rather than having anyone come to her home.

And now we're watching MIL and FIL. FIL has dementia, and has just had his licence revoked by the DVLA. MIL never learned to drive. For last few years he's driven her shopping once a week, and that's it. But how to broach getting rid of the car? He can't remember he's had his licence revoked: it's ridiculous, he's been driving all his life, how dare anyone tell him he can't drive? And if he can't drive, he's useless, he might as well give up.

His walking is wobbly, I hate watching him on their stairs, but why would he need to use a stick or a frame? And forget suggesting that when we go out with his grandchildren (now all in their 20s) he might like to use a wheelchair ...

I suggested power of attorney a while ago, but MIL didn't think FIL would agree, and now I'm not sure he would have capacity.

So as I say, we watch ...

wymondham

Thanks for all the replies. Things surprisingly developed today as they have now asked us to sort power of attorney so this is indicative of how they feel they are coping. Things look better so we can now kick in and aid them. Although not a nice step we are pleased we can now at least help....

Gingernutty

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

His walking is wobbly, I hate watching him on their stairs, but why would he need to use a stick or a frame? And forget suggesting that when we go out with his grandchildren (now all in their 20s) he might like to use a wheelchair ...

Dad manage to injure his leg and was given a set of crutches - this became how he got around outside the house.

He was also given a Zimmer style frame that stayed in the house, which he wielded like a walking stick.

When he was admitted to a nursing home, he carried on using the frame as a walking stick and was very proud that he didn't need to use a walking stick.....