time to admit they're old

trailingspouse

My parents are 79 and 84 respectively, and until, oh, about 3 days ago, I'd never really thought of them as old. They don't think of themselves as old, and up to now they've been in the spit of health.

But we spent New Year with them, and I started to notice a few things that I haven't noticed before. The loo wasn't, ahem, as fresh as normal. Kitchen cupboard handles were sticky. Just little things - but the house has always been spotless, and Mum would be mortified if she realised.

Also, I've been drinking my coffee black for 40 years - but Dad made me one with milk.

Don't get me wrong - they're still capable. Mum cooked us a lovely meal on New Years Eve, and we all got dressed up and went out for lunch on New Years Day.

I knew it had to happen eventually, I guess, but I feel we're at the beginning of a very long road. I'm their only child, so no-one really to eventually share the burden with. (OH lost his parents many years ago, so he just tells me I'm lucky to still have mine. Which is true, but not a lot of help!!)

NobodysChild

Oh how nice of you to be so thoughtful.

I guess it gets to the best of us: getting old. As your parents get older, they will get a little more forgetful, and their eyesight and hearing will start to go a bit after 75-ish. Though they may be fortunate enough to not get alzheimer's or something similar.

And yes, as people get much older, with some people, their cleanliness may start to slip, and they may not be as clean and hygienic as they used to be. Don't mean to sound rude, but I have found this with some elderly folk (not all!) and they do need help as they get much older (75+) especially if it's a man on his own who has lost his wife of many years and is now alone. I re-iterate, this is not ALL older people.

Just keep an eye on them. If you visit and have contact fairly regularly, then that's great. If you start to worry too much, maybe you can talk to a doctor or health visitor?

It's times like this when it is handy to have siblings, although some are not necessarily that helpful!

And yes it IS time to accept that they are growing old, and may not be with you for much longer. (Hopefully for at least 15 - 20 years though eh?!)

teachergirl

I have been going through this process for the last five years. My parents came to live close to me. As part of their "signing on" to a new Doctor we realised my father(now 88) was less well than we thought. The hospital keeps a very close eye on him.
This is the start of a journey and a redefining of roles. Some of it will be very stressful but mostly I just try to be very thankful for every day I have with them. I am very lucky in that they were fab to me as I grew up and now I hope to repay some of that...without them realising if that makes sense. They are very proud and would hate to think they cannot do things. I got mine a cleaner...it took a long while for them to come around to the idea that they needed one. It helped that I had one and they met her a lot when they were temporarily staying with me. Eventually they decided that having one would enable them to do other things(what I don't know as they are virtually housebound!;)) Now she is like a friend to them and it takes some of the pressure off of me.
Good luck with your journey. Perhaps if other people want we can offer each other support on here:)

missindecisive

what a thoughtful lovely person you are.x Atleast they are still in their own homes. And I know people in their 30's who have yukky bathrooms and sticky door handles!
Maybe its just time to pop in a bit more, maybe give that loo a clean whilst your in there. They probably won't even notice but atleast you will feel better.
I noticed my mother in law has posted a reminder to herself in the loo to flush afterwards, shes obviously worried her memory is fading. They just need a little help thats all.

dizziblonde

My mum's starting to suffer too... not mentally in her case, although she's not quite as sharp as she used to be - but she used to be ridiculously sharp so is still very fast on the uptake (apart from where technology is concerned but she's always been naff on that front)... but physically she's really really struggling - has a lot of problems with her spine basically starting to crumble and is in a lot of physical pain - and very very cheesed off with it as she doesn't DO not being able to do stuff!

emsywoo123

Hi OP (and others that have posted!)

My parents are considerably younger than yours, but over the last 12 months things have gone a similar way......it has only really dawned on me over the last 6 weeks or so. They have both had health scares, that theoretically for my dad are resolved, not so for my mum, but I hadn't really realised the long term effect.

The role change is hard. Particularly as they would be mortified if I pointed anything out or obviously treated them differently. I wish you the best of luck - it is a stark realisation, I know.

codemonkey

This has been happening with my parents too (my dad is 81 and my mum is 75) and their decline has been scary, particularly my dad. 5 years ago he was running and mentally sharp. 3 years ago he walked me down the aisle but looked much older. In the last year or so, he's been in hospital multiple times, he's confused, he gets easily overwhlemed, he can't remember anything and he looks like a little old man. He has separation anxiety with my mum - if we're away for more than 15 minutes he phones her. He's been checked for dementia multiple times and they say he doesn't have it. My mum has dystonia and is his only carer. She turns down all offers of help because she doesn't want to accept they are old. At the moment, they're coping with a little help (eg we take them shopping) but everytime the phone rings, I worry.

There are 4 of us, so you'd think it'd be divided by 4 but no. One of my brothers lives in a different area and doesn't visit much, the other refused to help, my sister does some things but seems keen to get them into a home (the idea horrifies my parents) and I work full time, have a dog and a long term health condition. I do what I can but my mum is so proud that she wont ask.

jackyann

My tips:

Give yourself a bit of time & space to mourn the experience of your parents passing into old age. be grateful they are still here, but be sad that they are not as they were. You don't necessarily need to share this with others, just recognise it to yourself.

Be practical about stuff that needs doing - depending on the situation, just clean the loo yourself, say "oh mum I need to get a cloth for these handles" or ask if you can help find them a cleaner. I have done all of these things. It can sometimes (though not always!) be better to be upfront that you think they need help rather than !!!!!foot.

Make time as much as you can to be with them and talk about your family - time to hear all the old family stories, and time to remember how great you have all been together. It will help to ease them towrds the next stage of life, and you to accept it.

My best wishes to to you.

carolpinkdreamer

I am also in the same position with my Mom(80). She was widowed 30 years ago and has always been very independent, active etc. although she could be quite impatient!

Recently she has become more confused and less house proud but on the plus side is more pleasant and content. She lives alone and copes well with routine things like cooking for herself and going shopping (daily) etc. She cannot cope with a change to routine however often it is explained to her. She finds it terribly hard to make guests a drink because, like the op's parent, she cannot remember what people have asked for while she is walking from the lounge to the kitchen! New gadgets confuse her, bills confuse her, and life in general confuses her BUT she is comfy in her own home, is happy, loves to see her family and has us a phone call away.

Our roles have changed and it is hard for me to see her deteriorate but she still has quality in her life. I think of my poor Father who died in his 50's and I am thankful for the extra 30 plus years I am enjoying with Mom x

squirrelchops

I know exactly what you mean. My Mum is 81 and it is only the last couple of years I have really noticed what I would call a 'slowing down'.

Mind you if I get to her age and am as fit and healthy I would be very pleased. We stayed in Richmond earlier this year, walked to Kew gardens, all day round Kew then walked back! She was flagging on the way home and if a bus had passed we would have got one but fair play she walked all the way back to hotel.

Makes me forget how old she is when she is like that.

I notice her age in other ways such as she will forget the train of conversation or repeat herself with the same story and she will have days where she becomes anti social and doesnt want to talk to me or OH!

kerri_gt

My mum has been on her own for the past 25 years and althogih younger than either of your parents I have always felt that same sense of responsibility, I guess filling in for the missing parent. I do worry about my mum getting older, sometimes get frustrated with her and scared that one day she won't be here. However, my OH parents are both 80 now and although in shelterec housing you'd think my FIL was one of the wardens the way he goes about caring for everyone else. I guess it keeps him sharp and active.

Sorry, I digress. Could you perhaps broach the subject of cleaning with your mum, suggest a cleaner to help her out, allow her and your father more time together? Angle it that way.

If your dad is more used to making coffee with milk for him and your mum, perhaps he was just on autopilot.

Inevitably they are getting older, however, I still remember my grandma in her 80's, nothing got past her and she's wipe the floor with anyone who crossed her.