time to admit they're old

lincroft1710

I noticed the decline in my father in the final 3 years of his life after my mother died. By the time he was 88, it was obvious that he had little time left. He died after spending 6 weeks in hospital a few months before his 89th birthday.

trailingspouse

Thanks to everyone. Yes, redefining roles - I guess that's what's going to happen bit by bit over time now.

Mum has always been fiercely independent, and won't take 'getting old' lying down! Dad would be perfectly content to just be allowed to get on with his Sudoku puzzles in peace!

Will go armed with some Domestos next time, and maybe buy them some nice air freshener. I suspect my Dad's 'aim' isn't what it once was... She's always been of the belief that you don't need air freshener if the loo is clean, so doesn't use it. I don't know if she's finding it hard to clean, can no longer be bothered to clean, or doesn't notice that it needs cleaning. Either way, it's time for some changes.

We live about 90 minutes away from them. This is actually the nearest I've lived since I left home, so we've never been in the habit of 'just popping round'. But at least we see them a bit more often than we used to, and if I had to go over regularly it wouldn't be impossible.

Thanks for all your kind words - she irritates the heck out of me often enough, but that's nothing to do with her getting old, she's always done that, and I'm old enough and bolshy enough not to let it bother me any more!!

Deep_In_Debt

My mum is 82 and has been in good physical and mental health. However, her physical health is starting to deteriorate now and went down hill quite suddenly. Until recently, she could walk for miles and played tennis, but she is now struggling to walk too far. She's getting frustrated with it and it's starting to affect her mental health although she is still sharp, she's getting depressed as she is losing her freedom and enjoyment.

Gloomendoom

My dad is 90 next year and this thread prompted me to ring him for reassurance.

Thanks

ibizafan_2

My Mum is nearly 84 and Dad is 88 in a couple of weeks. A year ago, Dad could still dive into a swimming pool on holiday and swim a length under water, but what a difference a year makes. I realise how lucky I am still having both parents alive, but I have to accept that time with them is a bonus now. Both are still mentally sharp, but sometimes I feel that they are reverting to being children again in a way. Dad fell backwards down the stairs a couple of weeks ago, and is black and blue, but neither will accept that they might need extra help in the house, but that is another story, and I assume is common with their age group. The worst thing is that they are joined at the hip, and my brothers and I have had surreal conversations about which one would survive better without the other. I try not to think about the future where they are concerned. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it, with my brothers' help.

teachergirl

Hello again everyone. Trailingspouse 90 minutes is a long way to pop in
One thing I have found very successful is to try and make them feel useful. This can be very hard when the people concerned can do very little. for everyone this will be quite individual. I have two small dogs and I frequently take them round for my parents to dog sit. Luckily they live just five minutes from me. They get great pleasure from this. I walk the dogs until they are tired so when they get there they just sleep. My parents can tell me every move those dogs have made when I go to pick them up. When my dad gets a bit teary because I have done a "job" for him, like sorting out bills etc I just tell him it's in return for the dog sitting:D

I laugh at the above but seriously it can be really tough. Codemonkey I have a sister who lives an hour away but she hasn't changed roles yet. She still goes there to be a daughter ....not a carer. I could and sometimes do feel resentful about this and then I think of all the love and stuff she is missing out on and know I would rather be me than her.
Sometimes it can be so tiring. Like when I have been at work all day and have to then drive one of them to the doctors and still cook tea for my family. Then I remember my family are growing up and can help cook and I am lucky to have them too.it can be isolating because if you haven't been there you cannot really understand. I also worry every time the phone rings:(

teachergirl

Sorry folks just realised my post sounded really sad. Past my bedtime. I am so not an "owl" person.:embarasse:embarasse:embarasse

slopemaster

jackyann wrote: »

My tips:
...Make time as much as you can to be with them and talk about your family - time to hear all the old family stories....

that's so true
And record them too, whilst your parents are still here

kerri_gt

trailingspouse wrote: »

Will go armed with some Domestos next time, and maybe buy them some nice air freshener. I suspect my Dad's 'aim' isn't what it once was... She's always been of the belief that you don't need air freshener if the loo is clean, so doesn't use it. I don't know if she's finding it hard to clean, can no longer be bothered to clean, or doesn't notice that it needs cleaning. Either way, it's time for some changes.

We live about 90 minutes away from them. This is actually the nearest I've lived since I left home, so we've never been in the habit of 'just popping round'. But at least we see them a bit more often than we used to, and if I had to go over regularly it wouldn't be impossible.

Thanks for all your kind words - she irritates the heck out of me often enough, but that's nothing to do with her getting old, she's always done that, and I'm old enough and bolshy enough not to let it bother me any more!!

How about a pack of those flushable loo cleaning wipes too? A 'quick' wipe with those and some beach down the loo (or perhaps one of Thor toilet duck discs - cleans and fragrances )

Parents, and I think mothers in paeticualr manage to press daughters buttons in a way no one else can, I guess it's part of the bond, but yup, drives you crackers at times I'm sure.

ERICS_MUM

My Mum is 91 now and quite frail physically but her sharp tongue can still pack a punch !

She was doing well until 2 years ago, she was admitted to hospital for tests and they kept her in for 3 weeks. The problem is she was put I nto a single bed side ward and the staff didn't bother with her. So she was alone for much of the day and too nervous to get out of bed and walk around. As a result she returned home absolutely depressed and scared to do all the social things she'd enjoyed.

She said she was a burden for me and would be best if she went into a home. I did a deal with her - stay in her own home but let me arrange a "carer" through Social Services. 2 years down the road and she's happy with a carer for 45 mins a day who make sure she's up, helps wash and dress, check she takes her meds and makes breakfast. I pop round to make lunch, do laundry and general housework. Mum manages to cook a Marks and Spencer's ready-meal in the evenings. We've got a good routine on the whole.

My brother lives about 20 miles away and does have a very busy job so only manages one day a fortnight but I'm happy with that. However my sister lives 10 mins from Mum yet sees her once, maybe twice a week for less than an hour. She goes to work for 15 hours a week, her sons have left home so she could spare more time for Mum. The annoying thing is I never know if/when she's going round, so I can't really plan a " day off".

I've reached the stage where I'm satisfied that I'm doing my best for Mum and my sister & brother will have to deal with their consciences.