Living in girlfriend owned flat - suggestions on financial arrangement

Woodsy

Hi, I'm looking for some advice \ suggestions on how my gf and I can move forward from some heated discussions around the financial side of living together.

For background, I have lived with my gf in her flat for 5 years, we share all domestic bills down the middle (elec, gas etc) and she fully pays for the mortgage. We also share the cost of replacement appliances washing machine, dishwasher, kettle(!) etc etc
She is quite attached to her flat and she pays the mortgage so I remain today not to make any type of claim on the property should we end up splitting up. I am adamant about this as I couldn't do it to her.

We have muddled through a new boiler and repairs to the flat where I have contributed, not huge amounts but I had been making financial gestures when things go wrong.
As I said I currently pay half the bills plus another £75 a month (roughly) which we had agreed from a similar conversation a couple of months ago get puts towards house repairs.

Basically today she is now asking me to pay half for each repair and take some more interest in the upkeep of the flat (arranging plumbers etc) I contest that its unfair for me to pay for the upkeep of a property which I will have no financial comeback from should we end up splitting up. I can't see the logic of me arranging a plumber when I'm not the one paying for the work.
Her argument is that I would be paying more if I was renting and that I am living here basically having an easy life and I need to treat it more like a home.

For full disclosure we attended couples counselling end of last year which improved things massively but things are still not fully back on track so talking about a commitment like this makes me feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place!

Any helpful suggestions or experiences would be gratefully received! Many thanks

GobbledyGook

I wouldn't be making major financial contributions if it was unlikely to become the marital/long term home. If you were renting big repairs would be the responsibility of a landlord. I would expect the amount you were saving on rent to be being saved though - that would give the chance later on to go into the mortgage when/if the time comes for the place to be a joint effort.

That said I don't think that means you can't call the plumber if you are off work and she is not etc. My OH and I live in 'my' house, but he was the one who organised a boiler repair recently because he was here and I wasn't. Also in my rented property I let the tenant organise the plumber (they know who I use) because it's more important the appointment is convenient to them than it is me so she maybe has a point on that front.

PasturesNew

I think she's right. You should be taking more 'responsibility' and seeing it as your home too, just to make the relationship balanced. If you just sit and scratch your 4rse and get on with your life, doling out £75/month to live there and not feeling anything else is your responsibility, then you might as well go and live with your mum again.

You do seem to be 'taking the pee' really and not being fair on effort.

I think you've had it too easy really.

This is about effort and wanting to do things for her, because you want to/love her ... and you don't seem to want to. You seem content to sit back and enjoy the ride.

DUTR

PasturesNew wrote: »

I think she's right. You should be taking more 'responsibility' and seeing it as your home too, just to make the relationship balanced. If you just sit and scratch your 4rse and get on with your life, doling out £75/month to live there and not feeling anything else is your responsibility, then you might as well go and live with your mum again.

You do seem to be 'taking the pee' really and not being fair on effort.

I think you've had it too easy really.

This is about effort and wanting to do things for her, because you want to/love her ... and you don't seem to want to. You seem content to sit back and enjoy the ride.

I thought relationships were about equality not about her :eek:
I think the OP's partner is taking the pee, the OP should be making tracks to get his own place fast.

Hermia

I can understand you not wanting to put money towards major repairs (e.g. boiler) if you would walk away from the relationship with nothing from the property. I think you should be chipping in with replacing things like the microwave or kettle though. You are presumably using these items everyday and you would probably have to buy these sorts of items if renting.

I do think refusing to ring a plumber is really petty though. I'm sure many people make appointments on behalf of their loved ones even if they are not the ones handing over the payment. As someone who was in a relationship where I was always expected to make appointments and arrange things (despite us both working full-time) let me tell you it really gets you down.

Seanymph

You need to rent out her flat, and move into a joint flat.

I would say the writing is on the wall if you remain in your current situation - and you would be wrong to put in any more than you are.

PeacefulWaters

A couple of thoughts then.

You live there rent free. But pay £75pm for "repairs". Bills split.

One is a bit of a bargain. The other is excessive in my view.

But as a "net" deal I reckon you're probably doing well.

Beyond the finances comes the commitment side of the relationship. Is it intended to be long term? Why hasn't it progressed further? What's holding things back?

How about putting flat and mortgage in joint names, with a legal agreement preserving any equity at this point in time as your girlfriend's, just in case the relationship fails?

Or sell up, buy jointly and have a similar arrangement?

What's stopping this? Answer that and you might have the direction you need.

duchy

So basically over and above joint utility bills you are paying £20 a week to live there - and making no major contribution to any other parts of your lives like paying for holidays or a car for her or paying for everything when you go out together above your own personal share ?

Do you earn significantly less than she does ?


If you don't - then yes it doesn't seem fair or equitable. I know of couples in similar circumstances but the non owning partner saves the half they would have put to the mortgage with the intention that if they move on and buy together they will have a deposit to contribute - and if they don't they aren't left having contributed for "nothing".

I agree refusing to even book a plumber sounds petty and a bit childish .

It sounds to me like your girlfriend has got to the point where she is tired of carrying you - or wants you to demonstrate that you are literally invested in your future together and not just there because it's financially good for you.

Frankly she'd be better off financially with a lodger.

Either you are partners or you are in an owner lodger situation - which do you want to be ?

BTW you didn't mention who buys the food

FBaby

Where do you see your future together? Depending on your respective age and what you want from the relationship, I think it is time to reconsider your arrangement. 5 years together is quite committed and if this is how you both see it, isn't time to consider moving from what yours and what's mine? What are you doing with the money you are saving by not paying any rent/mortgage?

I think the tension is coming from the fact you've probably reached the time that you need to tackle the discussion of what's next?

lulu_92

I had a similar discussion with OH about a year ago. He was earning a lot more than me and it was his house.

Our agreement was that I'd pay for food, internet, phone, Sky and he'd pay the rest (he was used to doing that anyway before he met me) as he knew I was earning less and had extra expenses like travel for uni and my driving lessons. Any repairs (like our washing machine 3 times last year!) we took it in turns to pay, keeping a mental note of what we'd paid for.

I now earn slightly more than him. The agreement is the same atm but we're saving for a house so I put around the same amount into savings as he pays off his mortgage.

I've been living with him for two years this month and it used to make me feel so guilty but we have always made sure that it's as equal as possible, without making the other one skint.

GlasweJen

I have friends in your situation; he has a good job, inherited money at 20 and bought a flat, she is a couple of years younger and can't get a job in her degree field so is working at just about NMW plus gets a small amount of DLA.

When she moved in with him it was decided that she would pay 50% of all bills and put the money she used to pay for rent into an account for the deposit on their marital home if it all works out.

He's quite handy so I don't imagine they call out service people a lot but I would imagine he would arrange it as its his house.