New Year, different me

thrifty_fifty

Morning


Off to get ready in a mo...thoughts this morning? So glad it's a shorter week, I know we've just had the weekend but I'm ready for a break. Today will be a spend day as forgot to get grapes with the weekly shop, other than that, it's just a plod week really, hopefully with some productiveness in between

f0nz

Morning! It's so frustrating having to wait for payday isn't it. I'm chomping at the bit for it to come round so we can pay a chunk off.

Hope your week goes quickly and that you have a lovely long weekend!

thrifty_fifty

Thanks f0nz


I do find I get incredibly impatient for payday. Keep putting little chunks back on, had to get deodorant last night, and stocked up with snacks for the next couple of weeks. Yes I bought chocolate and all sorts spent £8, felt naughty but I'm an emotional eater and that will be another hurdle to overcome.


Awake early again after a not very relaxing evening. Felt ill again yesterday, tired and just not myself. I'm kind of resenting the course at the moment as I've reached that 'near the end' feeling, and it stops me from feeling organised at home. Then OH used the mandolin without the guard a took a chunk of his thumb off. Painful I know and most people would have a bit of a swear and then deal with the situation, not OH. I've long wondered if he does have some sort of learning or behavioural issue (he'll be really hyper one day and then I know he'll get overly angry about something a day to two days later), I had been waiting for it to be honest and the cut thumb seemed to provide the trigger. I'm not saying he gets mad with me, but he just can't communicate about what he needs. I try to help with the plaster because he's stubbornly struggling away with it himself, the dinner is half-way through cooking and he'll neither let me help, nor can he sort the plaster. I start getting tense because I know he's going to have an outburst, I'm trying to take over from the dinner, having abandoned pot washing and help him. I ask him calmly to tell me what he would like me to do to assist with the thumb, he can't say what he wants. At this point I'm getting severely irritated myself because I know the evening is going to be ruined by a cut thumb, and I just wish he'd behave in a more adult manner. I know what he needs to do really is hold his thumb up above his head for a good ten minutes to stem the flow of blood and not keep putting kitchen roll on it as that will set the bleeding off again. A painful what seems like forever with him being stubborn and putting kitchen roll and gauze on it, him repeatedly hitting his head on the kitchen cupboards, gritting his teeth and shouting at me, and me ending up in floods of tears I finally get him to put his arm above his head, and guess what? the bleeding starts to subside.


at 8.30 I finally sat down to a lukewarm dinner then finished off the pots and made preparations for today. OH sat in the other room laughing at the tv and having a drink. He was sorry that he had upset me, I just get so intensely frustrated that he has to be so stubborn, and he can't communicate and then he blames it all on the adrenaline of having hurt himself. All I could think was, I pray that he never hurts himself more seriously, and do I really want to bring children into this kind of home? I've told him that I do not want any children we have to be witness to these outbursts, I've had quite enough of living in a tense house because of my parents arguments every weekend. I know all of this sound ridiculous over a stupid cut thumb, but sometimes these outbursts are really stressful. He's very intelligent and tries to figure out a rational way of doing things, but he's not the most practical person sometimes and he looks like he knows what he's doing but he's just making things worse. The result is that despite having taken herbal sleeping tablets I'm awake in the wee hours again, so another tiring day ahead. The lack of sleep especially makes you feel less able to deal with things, so today is another 'get through it' day.Anywho, sorry for the long rant, today will be a tiring but better day I'm sure.

thrifty_fifty

Finally at the end of one weird week. Glad that the cheque came through for the refund on car tax- I was going to buy another bit of furniture for the living room but I think I'll pay it off my loan. Need to get my assignment started and also catch up with uni work.


It has been a strange month so far, it seems quiet in town, I need new clothes but there is nothing jumping out at me, and work has a weird winding down feeling-maybe it's me mentally clocking out. Everything feels a bit grey.


Meeting up with a friend today, and parents coming over for dinner tomorrow. I do really want to see everyone but I also really want to get my uni work done.


I've only clocked up one NSD this week as I've bought snacks most days. Getting into that place where I just want to stay under the duvet and not venture outside, but must force myself to.

f0nz

I can fully empathise thrifty! Due to crazy schedules and the pain of trying to find a new Dr as we've moved house I haven't taken any of my anti depressant medication for 2 months. At first I felt totally fine and thought, brilliant "I'm fixed" at long last. Unfortunately the past week or so I have been a bit of a crazy lady. Every time I hear a baby or child cry I get really upset and almost burst into tears. My moods are all over the shop and just staying at work last night was a huge battle! I was all for running away and hibernating, still am really but that won't get us any closer to our goals and dreams.
Try not to overload yourself with plans/things you have to do and remember to take time out for yourself! Not sure if you've tried it or if it's your thing but I recommend yoga! I was sceptical at first but I plonked some on YouTube and "stretching/breathing" sections of a fitness DVD I have and it honestly made a difference. I felt much calmer afterwards and it was lovely. It does require a bit of oomph to get off your it and actually do it, especially when all you want to do is hide in a cave but it is worth it!

I hope you feel better soon and can find that little chink of light in all of the greyness. Failing that go and buy a mahussive Easter egg and scoff it whilst wearing your jim jams watching mind rotting tv, always a winner

((Hugs))

thrifty_fifty

Hey F0nz

Thanks for dropping by, and hope you manage to find a Dr soon and get your meds sorted (which reminds me, must register with the doctor here, and the dentist too)

Well, it turns out that a change in routine was all I needed, went to see my friend and OH came into town with me and we ended up going to the cinema and when we got home OH had bought the candle for the living room which was on the list of things to get. It was so nice just to do something spontaneous and something enjoyable. I'm now completely cured and feel so silly for having these self-indulgent blue posts-do forgive me dear reader . There I was this morning thinking I might need to get some St John's Wort to get me through this patch (I know it;s the lack of sleep that is doing it, and also the grey skies, can't stand it), now there is no need.

F0nz you know what, I will buy myself an easter egg, and you get yourself one too-I expect a full report from you on its fabulousness I personally like to break mine up into small pieces and then stick it in the freezer for a bit so it is extra crunchy. Yum

thrifty_fifty

Darn it, had a couple of glasses of wine last night, so awake at 3 sweating and in a panic. Spent the last two and half hours working through stuff to shift the low mood. I know having had the odd drink one or two nights this week has contributed to the anxiety and low mood. Current whirly thoughts are going round the brain because OH got the candle for the living room, and although it is lovely to start living, I felt guilty that we got it. I'm also worrying as friend really wants me to come down and stay and then go to London, I guess the whole thing will end up costing £100, which is more than OH and I have spent on doing anything. So the amount is worrying me, and also feeling guilty that if I'm spending this kind of money (which I really don't want to) I really want to do that with OH.


Should really try and get some sleep in, got a busy morning....need to wash hair, clean bathroom, hoover whole house, and get ready for mum and dad arriving, dry all the washing I have done for the week ahead, make lunch and breakfast for tomorrow, iron all my clothes, catch up with one piece of uni work, and flop. My suitcase also decided to lose a screw on Friday so the pull handle is out of action. I usually use it to cart all my work stuff about. It is just a case of getting a new screw, but again, like putting the Christmas decorations away, feels like one of those insurmountable tasks.


Going to take CC out of bag tomorrow because I know I will be tempted to buy snacks and I both don't need to spend the money and also it has a negative impact on weight loss.


Going to try to work on the mood this week, and get back into a proper routine. Keeping on top of the pots makes me feel more in control, once they slide the chaos stresses me out.

thrifty_fifty

Well, I'm feeling fabulous. Mum and dad came round, we had a lovely time, got a little tipsy and talked a loud of rubbish, and well what a lovely day. Keep getting wafts of this new candle OH bought, lovely roses. It reminds me that in a few months I will be able to smell my own roses, and hopefully there will be bees buzzing around as they were last year, I cannot wait to see my flowers again, which reminds me, I need to get the garden sorted.


Managed to do most of my jobs and also trim my roses. Mum thought it was a little early, but as they'd already started to sprout leaf buds, I knew the time was about right. So, next I need to mulch and read up about pest prevention as they did suffer from blackspot last year and the black and whitefly were all over them. I feel like I'm alive again, I want to go to Rousham gardens, walk around and imagine it's intended reception, remember all the mythology that influenced the garden, what a wonderful secret world, and how privaledged I am to have learned about it.

thrifty_fifty

Went to bed at 10.00, awake at 12.00 spent the last three hours going through various scenarios with the spreadsheets. OK no more living room stuff, lets just get this lot paid off. Ok, now tired and a little fed up, going to try to squeeze another three hours sleep in.


Could tell yesterday that mum's thoughts were whirling wondering why we haven't got a house deposit and why we hadn't saved for the new car, I think parents forget when they get older and their mortgage is paid off, how much harder it is when you're younger and how little money you have.


Good news is that today I will be putting the cheque in the bank and going to get them to take it off the loan.


So today is another 'get through it' exhausting day. Going to leave the card at home today so I can't spend, this means no caffeine and no treat buying, so I'm going to be grumpy as hell, still it means I have a no spend day and also that I'm on the right path to becoming debt free. Pain in the backside all this lot.

thrifty_fifty

Got through today, so going to nurse the eyebags this evening and get some proper sleep.


Banked the cheque and said was thinking about paying the loan off, to which they try and entice you with another loan or maybe a 0% credit card. I was tempted I won't lie, just so I could get the living room finished, but as I thought it through during the rest of the afternoon the idea seemed less and less appealing.


Managed to bag some free toiletries, and also had an m&s voucher so I got some naughty snack food in. I should have bought new knickers, but knickers versus chocolate? Well, there was no competition


I have removed all spending power from the bag, so for the rest of the week it's nsds-scary. I'm also on my last bag of crisps tomorrow so the diet officially starts, know I'm going to be starving and grumpy as hell