New Year, different me

cazzyd

aww if it makes you feel any better, I feel that way too, have done since yesterday and most people on my social media are saying the same thing. I'm seeing it as I've just got to jump in the deep end/rip off the plaster and once I do...I'll feel better

thrifty_fifty

Carp nights sleep , woke at 4.15 with the alarm beeping downstairs. OH got up and put the heating on which sorted it, but I haven't been to sleep since. More work dreams, centred around the fact that there was a piece of work I wanted to get finished before Christmas, but couldn't because of a chatty person in the office. I brought it home with me to do, but couldn't do it because it reminded me of work, I've had several dreams that see me in the office trying to find somewhere quiet to do the piece of work.


Then as soon as I wake money is on my mind (trying not to have an spend day and willing away the days so that payday is here and I can make a change to this debt).


All of this constant thinking has made me down to the point where I can't see the point of anything (I know this will sound dramatic later). This isn't inspirational atall so stop reading here if you wish. All I can think is, what is the point? What is the point of getting up everyday and going through all this? 30 odd more years of working, more days like this. I know I'll be better later but these thoughts are dominating things at the moment. I just want to pull the duvet over my head and never come out again.


Perhaps today will go better than I thought and once I'm on the train I'll be ok. Just need to put myself in that mental bubble where everything going on around me is still happening, but I'm not a part of it. I go in, I do my required hours I come home, and the same the next day. I take the money, I pay the debts, I build savings and on we go. Never mind the office situation, never mind the fact that you feel taken advantage of, just get through today.


Must sound like a right moaner, sorry folks.

thrifty_fifty

A lot chirpier this evening, feel a bit silly having the above rant earlier. Reduced my overdraft facility to £25, and got a settlement figure for the loan, so think I'll be paying this off come payday afterall.


Other positives are that my annual sofa finance statement came through, showing that in one more payment we'll own it.


Got some lovely William pears with my M&S vouchers, and had a no spend day, so reaching my target.


Hope everyone's Monday went ok?

117pauline

Just read through your diary and I would recommend going on Pinterest and searching for mindfulness. There is an old Zen quote:

"You should sit in meditation for twenty minutes everyday - unless you're too busy; then you should sit for an hour."

Have a read of some of the shorter meditations and give it a real go. Each time you do it, it will become easier. I use it as a method of dealing with chronic pain but also for those anxious days.

My other comment would be to ask you to be kinder to yourself in the way you talk about you, and how you put yourself down. Try to think of the way you would talk to a friend who is suffering as you are - I bet you would be kinder in your choice of words.

I think everyone felt pretty uughggh today after two weeks away from work and normality.

You sound as though you are making positive steps so just keep on, keeping on.....

take care
Pauline

cazzyd

Good for you start seeing the positives....says me. I haven't added this to my own diary but I'm having a bit of a wobble myself and not seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm seeing upcoming vital things I need to pay for, and that impacts on my positivity for seeing the future clearly. Which you don't need me to add to on this diary, but I wanted you to know that it happens, its a blip. A trip to see the bf and all was positive again , just gave me that focus I need because I hate not being able to spend more than a few hours together in the week.

Glad you're feeling more positive xx

thrifty_fifty

Thanks 117Pauline and cazzyd

Hope you are having a good rest of the week.

Feeling a lot more positive here, on a roll with the no spend days, getting used to not eating so much-although we did cheat and have pizza last night as OH had to work late so we didn't get home till nearly 7.

Still love my clothes and jewellery, so I've decided to make collages of them in word, copying the pictures, then I still get to look at what I've 'chosen' without the expense, although when this is done I still have certain things that I would like to get-you have to live too afterall

Have a great day everyone xx

thrifty_fifty

Had a lovely day again today, felt calm, relaxed, and got NSD number 8 due to leaving the purse at home. Eyebrows are getting a bit bushy now though, so might have to visit the tamers shortly

thrifty_fifty

Wahoo it's Friday!


We made it through the first week folks, now just two more to get through until payday

thrifty_fifty

Had a couple of spendy days on Friday and yesterday, as I had to get toothpaste and visit the brow tamers and I got a couple of magazines yesterday ( a hobby I have of getting home magazines, taking out my favourite bits and putting them in a scrap book). I did this because although I'm trying to clear things, I think its important not to lose sight of your dreams and aspirations too. I think the first time I was debt busting a couple of years ago I denied myself absolutely everything and while it cleared the debt quickly I was left feeling miserable.


So last night went out to a friends birthday- no spending as OH paid for drinks and on the way back felt very happy that I'd managed to retrieve my earring that had become stuck down the bottom of the closed train door.


Then after weeks of telling OH that the exhaust was sitting sideways on and him thinking I was being silly (he's rather laid back about things), last night after pulling onto the drive the backbox finally came off. Grrr so annoying! So we can either drive round for the next two weeks sounding like a couple of boy racers or I can stick it on the card and OH will give me back the money on payday. I'll probably decide when I see how noisy it is ;/. After having a cheap fix on the coolant thing too the light is coming on more frequently so this needs to be investigated. This is of course the universe giving you a swift kick up the backside after you decide you have a plan in place to amend your spending ways, if we can get it through the MOT in March then we can keep it until June and then we'll have to sort something else out. Damn it though, was hoping not to have to take out another loan but looks like we might have to or stick the new one on an interest free credit card. We won't spend more than £2000 on a new one.


So the result of all that was that I didn't sleep too well, so today instead of doing some serious digging in the garden, I'm going potter about the house, finish sticking my pictures into my scrapbook to lift the spirits, iron all my work clothes (for the first time ever, rather than hurredly doing it each morning) and then some batch cooking, clean the bathroom and some chilling. Window cleaning can wait for this week.

thrifty_fifty

All clothes washed and ironed for next week, food prepared, pots washed, hopvering done, MOT due date found, cupboards wiped down, and so now just need to finish a bit of work off (know I shouldn't be bringing it home, but I'm just doing it this once to stay on top of things)


Then going to sit down with OH this afternoon to watch Princess Bride and we're being naughty by cooking the last remaining frites and have them with lashing of mayonnaise. Mmmmmm