Oh's Grief.... how do i support him?

loopyloouk

Good idea, i hadnt thought about exercise for him.

Think i will suggest he goes to the gym for a bit tonight and see if that helps.

Thanks

hazyjo

A kitten would be my worst nightmare at the best of times too (yes, I am a cat person!).


As someone said above - there will be stages. The anger was terrible for me. I had mental moments and I think maybe even a total breakdown. I went ballistic. I was binge drinking, was fighting with my then husband/soon to be ex, had to divorce, sell the house (we'd been in 2 years which had been hell buying), we'd gone through losing his dad, then mine, my cat died, friends were ill, one died, a close friend's son tried to commit suicide... honestly, I had a year from hell.


Once, I was outside kicking and screaming at the front door trying to get in. I cannot explain the anger. I was not in a good place and I'm not sure many people recognised it. I should probably have been on anti-depressants at the least. I remember later getting very peed off when my anger was blamed on my grief when it was current circumstances that were pushing me over the edge. Looking back, I stand by it to a certain extent, but expect that my grief meant I couldn't deal with them calmly like I usually would. My state of mind was terrible - but as a result of various things. I wish I could have just shut myself away from the world for six months. It's taken me around two years after losing my dad to feel vaguely 'normal' and not so angry all the time. I was very angry towards my work for making me take one of the two weeks I had off as holiday. I'll never forgive them for that and still hold a lot of resentment. I wanted to go to the docs and wanted anti-depressants, but was too anxious about taking time off with depression as I'd probably have been put on statutory sick pay (I have a line manager direct from HELL) and I had a house to buy so was worrying about it affecting that...


Try to keep everything calm. Try not to react/bite. I know it's hard. Good luck.


Jx

Mattygroves2

loopyloouk wrote: »

My LO has her guinea pigs for comfort so thats a start:rotfl:!

Its the anger i am having trouble understanding as it is like he is waiting for someone to P**s him off then he can express his anger that way. That is nothing like my OH he is never angry ever.

Looking online it does say a lot about anger but not how they manage it and release it..... any ideas.

I found he tended to be very short with me - not his usual self at all - for about 3 months. So shouting and generally being horrible. Nothing much you can do other than remember that it is the grief talking and let him get it out of his system.

Skintmama

I am sorry for the loss your family has suffered.

If your OH is coming across as very tense then maybe he needs some time to himself; at home alone where he can safely vent his feelings. You could take your child out somewhere as a distraction and a bit of normality for them, which would give your OH some freedom to express himself without worrying about further upsetting a child.

He may not know what he wants but you could ask him if he would like some space.

For myself, when grieving I crave a bit of space so I can sob, bash a pillow and otherwise let go a bit. Other people like to be held and hugged and not left alone. You are there for your OH, so he knows he can come to you for a hug and comfort when he is ready.

We have had a recent loss and have done a lot of walking where I am mostly silent and contemplative. It helps to use up some of the energy that can get stuck whilst allowing my mind to float in and out of reminiscence.

It is very early days and the grieving process takes time. You may find the CRUSE website helpful to look at. Also, there are some good books out there for children to help them to grieve and adjust to bereavement.

Don't forget about yourself, just because you are worrying about everyone else. Make sure you have some 'me' time to help you keep your strength up and to allow you to acknowledge and express your own feelings.

Person_one

loopyloouk wrote: »

My LO has her guinea pigs for comfort so thats a start:rotfl:!

Its the anger i am having trouble understanding as it is like he is waiting for someone to P**s him off then he can express his anger that way. That is nothing like my OH he is never angry ever.

Looking online it does say a lot about anger but not how they manage it and release it..... any ideas.

There's a book called 'The rage of bereavement' which I found really helpful when I lost someone suddenly, might be worth a look on Amazon for you. If you think about it, anger is a very understandable response but there's no good target for the anger.

Grief doesn't have a cure, or a timescale, you can't opt out of it or make it any easier, you just have to go through it and gradually, slowly, things will start to get easier.

mellymoo74

Person_one wrote: »

There's a book called 'The rage of bereavement' which I found really helpful when I lost someone suddenly, might be worth a look on Amazon for you. If you think about it, anger is a very understandable response but there's no good target for the anger.

Grief doesn't have a cure, or a timescale, you can't opt out of it or make it any easier, you just have to go through it and gradually, slowly, things will start to get easier.

I was hell to be around for a year. My poor OH had to deal with extreme anger (shouting throwing things storming off) self medicating (I drank an obscene amount to try and feel something other than rage and pain)

troubleinparadise

Fear can often manifest itself as anger - for a man losing his dad, whether they have had a good relationship or not, can be very scary - it highlights his own mortality, and frailty. And fear now of being the top of the family tree, what might be expected from him by his mum in terms of support, not having a father-figure to look up to, turn to, talk things over with, whatever your OH's father was to him.

Fear of the feelings of grief, not being in control of your emotions, crying, not able to cope - and whilst this is a generalisation, not many men do outward displays of emotion and might feel less manly doing so.

He may also feel that he didn't do enough to help his dad, and again guilt can make people feel angry; or that medics or someone else didn't do enough, and feel angry at that.

And that tends to be directed towards those that are emotionally and physically closest.

Now, being understanding and cutting him some slack for a period of time is probably what is needed, but equally there is a cut-off point or limit for that. He cannot be allowed to overstep your normal boundaries for acceptable behaviour, and especially not if your child is witnessing uncontrolled anger, or it is directed at her.

If necessary, go out and leave him to it for a few hours if being around him at home is difficult for the two of you, and don't be afraid to calmly state your boundaries if you feel he is overdoing it.

Try and do some enjoyable child-centred activities with your daughter away from home to make sure her world isn't being overshadowed by your OH's grief, and perhaps allowing him some peaceful time just to rest without demands.

lidlest

loopyloouk wrote: »

Hi everyone,

Sadly my FIL passed away on the 23rd Dec after a long battle with illnesses. It's very sad as he was a lovely man.

My Oh is not coping very well and i am wondering how to support him through this period. At the moment he is silent and not speaking to anyone (not even hello/goodbye etc) just completely silent to everyone including our LO. It feels as though he is trying to hold it together but one small thing and he will pop, you can feel his tension.

I am constantly bringing him tea/food and cuddling and trying to comfort him by talking with him and remembering the good times as his dad was lovely man who i have known for 14 years.

Any ideas how i help him deal with this? and at the same time deal with the grief my LO is going through as she now thinks we will die like grandad did?

all ideas are appreciated
thanks

My mum passed on the 22nd, and for a week I could barely look at my own children. No idea why, I just didn't want to hold the baby, or listen to my other two.
I'm getting a bit better but I still dont want to even begin to deal with crying or tantrums, or bedtime routines ...I'm only holding it together by a thread. In 10 minutes it will be the first time I have been left alone with the two little ones, and I'm hoping they give me an easy time.

Please don't judge him, and just keep supporting him in the wonderful way you are x

Flugelhorn

Oh loopyloouk - it is difficult for you. Has your OH had much experience before of deaths in the family or in those close - not saying it really helps but helps people to realise that they will feel better at some later stage.

my father died on Xmas eve about 18 years ago when my kids were quite small. It was totally expected and having looked after a lot of terminally ill people, I was aware of what was going to happen - had been ill for years. Did have awful moment of hoping it wasn;t going to be Xmas day as that would have been harder in future years. As it was we carried on having a riotous Xmas and dealt with the formalities when the registrars opened etc etc - it is hard as there are often long delays at this stage.

I think the important thing to me was that the kids felt secure and continued in a routine - they can't understand grief and need adults to be as normal as possible - even if it means playing games on the floor in the registrar's waiting room.

There was plenty to organise and couldn't easily get time off work, was OK until one of the more empathic nurses in a clinic asked me if I had a good Xmas.