Oh's Grief.... how do i support him?

troubleinparadise

To add to Mojisola's excellent post, I'd also say that where you can, take away stresses or having to deal with silly little things that might feel too much for him to manage.

Whilst structure in terms of work and daily routines are good at bringing some "normality" at a time of bereavement, being relieved of some onerous tasks and being cut some slack on some additional jobs can give a little more head space to coping when your mind is distracted by loss.

For me (as chief cook and bottle washer in my house) it was finding someone had done the washing, or sorted out supper so I didn't have to, when my brain was in a complete muddle. And yes, small kindnesses like cups of tea and cuddles did help, and with less demands than I normally had on an everyday basis just took away tasks that I didn't have any energy left for.

Anticipate that this might take longer than you'd think, or perhaps like - we all grieve differently, and the time and course it takes is different for us all. And that he might be quieter, distracted, grumpy, lost in his thoughts - but it will pass in time.

Christmas is always a time for reflection and remembering Christmases past, and those who are no longer with us, so it seems to exacerbate loss. And even when a death might be anticipated after a long illness doesn't mean that we are really ready for it nor that it is easier to bear when it does happen.

As was mentioned, the time leading up to the funeral can feel very unreal, and getting through the funeral as well an enormous challenge. But many do find that it is a rite of passage that once it is over it does allow an element of starting a new stage of learning to live without the person who has died, and moving on in the bereavement process.

This may be the first major loss your OH has experienced, and losing a parent can be very painful. Keep doing what you are, and just run with it for now. He will come out of it in time.

duchy

I think it's natural to want to fuss over someone - but it may not be what they want or need.

With a death so close to Christmas odds are a lot of the normal stuff like organizing affairs, funeral etc will have needed to be put on hold or delayed til after the holiday......... Not to mention to feel bereft at a time everyone else is going on about happy Christmas memories and how it is a family time makes it a million times worse.

When my OH's Dad died my job I felt was to support him. Give him space but be there , offer to go with him to do things like notifying , help choose flowers, check on Dad's wife etc. Offer food , but not faff if he didn't eat it.

Once the funeral is over he will start to move forward but the period between the death and the funeral tends to be a horrible limbo time as you can't think any further forward than dreading the funeral.

Hang on in there -you are doing the right things even if it feels you aren't <hug>

loopyloouk

Thank you so much for all the replies it really is appreciated.

we are in limbo at the moment as due to the christmas break we can't even register the death until the 10th January so think it may be a long process as he had requested to be buried and there are no local cemetaries that have buriel spaces left.

We had a really rough night last night, LO was up and wetting the bed (she is well past this age as shes nearly 6 and has never done this ever) my OH was incredibly angry last night as every thing. Thought it was just best to keep out of his way last night and let him process things on his own as perhaps me being there continually is not what he needs right now.

It is so hard as a wife you just want to take away the pain but i can't unfortunately he has to work through things on his own the best he can i can just offer support.

thanks again

hazyjo

gettingtheresometime wrote: »

Sorry but this has to be the world's worst time to get a pet...

Each to their own. They'll know if it's right for them. I couldn't have got through the sad times in my life without a cat by my side. And my friend recently lost his dad then his mum (in the space of a year) and walking his dog and getting out every day has helped him immensely. Sometimes we talk to our pets about our true problems/emotions more than people.


Jx

Mojisola

loopyloouk wrote: »

we are in limbo at the moment as due to the christmas break we can't even register the death until the 10th January so think it may be a long process as he had requested to be buried and there are no local cemetaries that have buriel spaces left.

We had a long delay with Mum - her death was unexpected so the coroner was involved. It's really does leave you in limbo, unable to even make a start on dealing with things - until you have the death certificate, nothing can happen.

I had a good friend die in an accident some years ago and her husband told me that for the first six months or so, he was acting entirely automatically - he knew he went to work and went shopping and did the washing but, looking back, he couldn't remember it at all. It took him the best part of a year before he really got back to himself and I have found the time-scale to be about the same for me. You don't really 'get over' the death but life just comes back into focus.

duchy

My future son in law turned up a week after my OH's Mum lost his Dad with a kitten for her. She was horrified -it was the last thing she needed at the time.

Mojisola

duchy wrote: »

My future son in law turned up a week after my OH's Mum lost his Dad with a kitten for her. She was horrified -it was the last thing she needed at the time.

Well-intentioned, no doubt.

Helping someone who is grieving is definitely not a case of "do as you would be done by".

duchy

Oh absolutely well intentioned .......... Bless him.

And maybe in a few months the right thing for her........just not at that point.

loopyloouk

My LO has her guinea pigs for comfort so thats a start:rotfl:!

Its the anger i am having trouble understanding as it is like he is waiting for someone to P**s him off then he can express his anger that way. That is nothing like my OH he is never angry ever.

Looking online it does say a lot about anger but not how they manage it and release it..... any ideas.

Mojisola

loopyloouk wrote: »

My LO has her guinea pigs for comfort so thats a start:rotfl:!

Its the anger i am having trouble understanding as it is like he is waiting for someone to P**s him off then he can express his anger that way. That is nothing like my OH he is never angry ever.

Looking online it does say a lot about anger but not how they manage it and release it..... any ideas.

Some people find it easier to get angry than cry - if he's building up stress because he can't break down and weep, it might come out by shouting at someone or throwing something.

Much harder for you to deal with, though.

Physical exertion can be a good release - would he go for a run or hit the gym or dig the garden?