Oh's Grief.... how do i support him?

loopyloouk

Hi everyone,

Sadly my FIL passed away on the 23rd Dec after a long battle with illnesses. It's very sad as he was a lovely man.

My Oh is not coping very well and i am wondering how to support him through this period. At the moment he is silent and not speaking to anyone (not even hello/goodbye etc) just completely silent to everyone including our LO. It feels as though he is trying to hold it together but one small thing and he will pop, you can feel his tension.

I am constantly bringing him tea/food and cuddling and trying to comfort him by talking with him and remembering the good times as his dad was lovely man who i have known for 14 years.

Any ideas how i help him deal with this? and at the same time deal with the grief my LO is going through as she now thinks we will die like grandad did?

all ideas are appreciated
thanks

chiefpossession

I am sorry for your loss.

Your husband sounds as if he coping just fine - and you are doing exactly what he needs you to. Please do not expect too much - everyone grieves differently and to a completely different timetable. You can't 'make it better'. When my dad died we were given a leaflet which explained the grieving process. if you haven't been given something similar, google the stages of grief - it isn't a checklist, but it helps you understand that what you feel is normal.

Just talk to your daughter and answer questions as they arise - it is quite normal for them to suddenly realise that you aren't going to live for ever and be a bit freaked out by that. That will fade, just act normally and don't make too much of a big deal. I had to promise my 5 year old son that I would live to 100 and we would die together - it got him over that initial fear and at 20 now he hasn't been psychologically damaged for all time!

hazyjo

Can you afford a holiday? I found the best thing for my ex-OH was to get away. He knew he'd unwind and maybe face up to it without also having to put a brave face for the usual world, but on Day One he was in tears in a caf!/bar. It really did help. Since I lost my dad 2.5 years ago, I've had to slap a normal face on and get on with it (despite lots of other traumatic things too). I 'need' to crack/break down. I am abroad for a week this Feb, and again late Sept. I have said I do not care what needs doing in the house still, how big my OD is, how I could be using that money for other things... I am going because I need to, and that is the end of it. It's been years - and I'm someone who loved my holidays and went as many times as I could in previous years.


Sometimes you do just need to get away from normality to allow yourself time to heal, or at least come to terms with it.


Hope your LO manages to cope. I'd be fairly frank I think, but that's me.


Maybe time for a pet (dog or cat, I'd say) if you don't have one. Would probably be very good for your OH.


Jx

Tinwhistler

I think he may be feeling numb as it's very recent. The 7 stages of grief will come and go in random order and maybe repeat. He may need a year or more and will find in time a coping mechanism that works for him. He's lucky he's not going through it alone. I returned home to an empty house after my loss. I found that writing everything in my head down stopped me losing my mind. It's important to try to remember the happy times. Lots of times I found listening to uplifting meditation music for hours gave a chance to let go.

marisco_2

Sometimes people just crave some space and time to work through their feelings and emotions. Your husband is handling the grief he feels in a way he can cope with. Offer him drinks and food and then let him come to you to talk when he feels ready to. He might not feel ready to reminisce about happy times at the moment, everything could still feel too raw to do that.

Your little girl will be fine, just keep things light with her and offer some gentle reassurance. I hope you have the love and support of family and friends around you all. Very sorry for your loss.

cavework

Please, just give him time and space to come to terms with the loss of his Dad..it is still raw
Lot's of things will be going through his mind at the moment and the only person who can work through these thoughts is him.
It is a normal grieving process and you cannot take the pain away but it will reduce in time.
Just be there
TC
xx

gettingtheresometime

hazyjo wrote: »

Maybe time for a pet (dog or cat, I'd say) if you don't have one. Would probably be very good for your OH.


Jx

Sorry but this has to be the world's worst time to get a pet...

trailingspouse

When is/was the funeral? Many people find that they can move forward once the funeral has taken place. The time between the death and the funeral is a sort of limbo and is quite hard to cope with.

He will come through it, as many people before him have come through it - and he has the great advantage of having you there ready and willing to give him the support he needs.

mellymoo74

I just wanted to be left alone.
The 1st year is the worst it gets easier to cope with after that.

CRANKY40

Having your mum or dad die at Christmas is weird as it's supposed to be a happy, family time. OH is still in shock and while he isn't doing much on the outside he is thinking on the inside. Maybe just go and tell your OH that you are totally gutted too and you will miss your FIL like nobody would believe.

How old is your daughter? My son was 4 when my husband died and I just kept telling him that I wasn't going any where. I still tell him that now and he's 10. I just hope it's true.

If anyone is interested, the most horrendous phrase ever in bereavement is "at least you have your memories".

Mojisola

loopyloouk wrote: »

Sadly my FIL passed away on the 23rd Dec after a long battle with illnesses. It's very sad as he was a lovely man.

My Oh is not coping very well and i am wondering how to support him through this period. At the moment he is silent and not speaking to anyone (not even hello/goodbye etc) just completely silent to everyone including our LO. It feels as though he is trying to hold it together but one small thing and he will pop, you can feel his tension.

I am constantly bringing him tea/food and cuddling and trying to comfort him by talking with him and remembering the good times as his dad was lovely man who i have known for 14 years.

The best way to help him is to let him grieve in his own way.

If he wants to be alone and silent, let him be that way. What would help you might not be what will help him.

One of my Mum's friends was driven to distraction by her adult children's attempts to 'cheer her up', 'talk about the good times', 'take her out to get her away from the house', etc.

All she wanted to do was sit in their home with her memories, cry when she wanted without anyone rushing up and comforting her and take grieving at her own pace.