Make do, Mend and Minimise in 2015

GreyQueen

Morning all.

In a way, hearing other people's stories of lost freindships and family estrangements is a comfort. Not because I want misery shared equally, but because, if you think it's just happening to you, it feels that you must be a terrible person or the other party wouldn't have treated you like this. And I've spent ages stewing over the moving-house friend and one or two other things, minutely analysing all previous interactionss, trying to work out what I've done 'wrong'.

Sometimes, there is no 'wrong' and that applies to family breakdowns as well as friendship breakdowns. I would never judge anyone estranged from a relative negatively, we've had a couple of these in our own family and there is no explanation other than that one of the parties is an absolute selfish unreasonable bu88er.

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Today is one without rain, just high fluffy little clouds. Still feeling a bit bleugh but will feel worse if I don't get out into the air, so will be easing into the day and then pedal off to my allotment. Probably will only do a little, but a little is better than nothing, and the sun and air will do me good.

Have been trying to hook up with a pal to go walk in the bluebell woods but as she hasn't got back to me yet, I will plan to do that this afternoon, and she's there or she isn't there, the bluebells will still be beautiful but they won't be for much longer, so I shall have to seize the day.

Have a good one, folks.

candlelight_2013

Jan I am sending you hugs.

DD2 hasn't spoken to us for 12 months now. Her husband controls everything she does (believe me she wasn't brought up to put up with that). Anyway he hadn't spoken to DGD1 for 6 years, she is now 22, and had stopped talking to DGD2 who was only 13 at the time, so I had to say something.

I had kept my mouth shut for over 20 years, but when it affects my grandchildren, enough is enough. I have given her several opportunities to make up, birthday and Christmas presents etc but to no avail.

We are lucky because our grandchildren are much older and we see them frequently, and we are all going out next Sunday for a meal to celebrate my 70th birthday.

In a way I am sad because I asked her not to fall out with her daughter, (my Mother did the same with my 2 sisters) but I have had to switch off really. For my last birthday DGD1 sent me as card which said "Nan thank you for always being there for us". That means more than anything to me.

Chin up Jan , Nurse Maggie and Camelot they will miss us when we are gone

Candlelightx

janb5

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart from being so lovely. I don't think I was ` brave` posting on a public forum because I have a strong sense of how you all are on this thread ( Cheerfulness- take a bow for starting this thread!)

I have posted on other threads and been startled by the vitriolic comments that have been posted so really MM& M is soo different.

I would happily meet any of you because we are kindred spirits.

This situation is like the `elephant` in the room` which is hard for people to voice because it is so horrendous. I include the losing friends in the equation because friends are often extended family.

My very dear friends are ` two o`clock in the morning friends` Not that I would ever ring them at that time or they me but both sides would be in that category if disaster struck.

I`m probably not very lucid having had little sleep but hopefully you get the gist!

My PC doesnt let me send `smilies` but sending lots of them!

Hard_Up_Hester

Morning all
I'm hoping to minimise my sewing room a bit more today & I'm planning on making some rhubarb crumbles for my DD's, I'm not sure about any making do's or mending though.
We have friends who have a son who will visit his sister but not his mum, despite them living close by, but Mum seems to have no idea what caused the rift.
I see less of my sons than I do of my daughters, but there is no rift, we are all busy people. One of my daughters is avoiding my ex at the moment, but then he has behaved appallingly to her, so I don't blame her.
Hester

vhalla1478

Good morning, Everyone,

My heart goes out to everyone who is estranged from a family member; I feel blessed that this hasn't happened in my immediate family, especially after hearing your stories; it must be heart wrenching. I hope that doesn't sound smug, because it isn't meant to. I know how upset I've been over estranged friends. I agree with GreyQueen, and I think this is especially true if you are single, you think that it's just you and that you've done something wrong and endlessly try to analyse it. I hope there's a little comfort in talking about it.

Let's hope the sunshine lifts all our spirits and that the sight of the bluebells helps you to feel better, GreyQueen - don't give yourself a relapse by doing too much, too soon, though.

I hope you all have a good day in the sunshine,

Viv xx

nursemaggie

I don't have a garden as such just one of those 2 ft by 5ft little courtyards at the front, with a little soil. I had planned on putting some plants in this weekend but it must have rained an awful lot since Friday night when it started because my little garden is waterlogged. We certainly have sun this morning. Looks like being a nice day.

[Deleted User]

I found after I lost my late OH I also lost several people that we had both considered as friends.One lady was a person whom we had both supported through her depression when she was feeling really down .She would come almost daily and sit and tell us how bad she was feeling and my OH and I would try to cheer her up by taking her out for trips with us in the car and she became almost an extra member of the family Her OH worked long hours and was seldom home (part of the reason I think she was so depressed)Anyway when my OH was taken ill and I was at the hospital until he died when I came back home afterwards she phoned and said 'Whens the funeral?
I had just lost him so was still feeling fragile so I said I would get my DD to let her know.It was almost a week later and she turned up on the day and sat and complained again about how bad she was feeling and how much she had missed not coming round (I had not told her not to) three days later she came round again and said that she thought it only fair that I had time to grieve (fair enough) I saw her once about three months later in the local shops and she said how much better she was feeling now and her and her OH were moving to Yorkshire.I have never seen her since and even the local butcher who knew we were good friends asked where she was .DD saw her also once when I was away for a few days and asked her why she hadn't been round to see me and she said 'Well as they were in the process of moving she wasn't sure if she had the time .I have never clapped eyes on her since and I was cross for a long time as the precious last 6-9 months of my OH life I had shared with her and she seemed to not give a fig. But I have always said you know who your true friends are as they are always there in good times and bad.

My friend in Dartford whom I have known for over 45 years has always been there during that time When her first marriage broke up (quite badly)both me and OH were there for her and she never forgot it.Bless her, she was there when I was diagnosed and through my mastectomy and treatment and has been a great friend to me through thick and thin.Often people are unsure what to say when you are widowed and I lost contact with several couples as though it was something that was catching .

Our former neighbours who we both knew very well for over 20 odd years came to my OHs funeral and yet I've not seen hide nor hair of them since I get a Christmas card and thats about it Yet they now only live about 8 miles away and are both retired now as well. Still I do know who my true friends are and I am lucky that I know so many folk.A lot I have met in the past 12 intervening years who never knew my OH, so only ever knew me as a widow. Sometimes its at times like that when you need your friends most I was never a weeping or wailing person and have always tried to stay upbeat.

Life is what it is and you can't change it My OH liked the fact I was quite outgoin,g and being on ones own hasn't changed me much as I still like to go out and chat and talk to people .

They say theres nowt so queer as folk and this is true.In my life I have met the good, the bad, and the downright awfu,l at times but the ones who are the 'keepers' are the ones who matter, the others are not worth the effort.My youngest DD has very little contact with her DD my eldest DGD and I haven't seen her in over a year .She moved away, and in with her fiancee and seems to have cut all contact with the family, its her choice and I know DD gets upset by her attitude, but its up to her as its her life,you can only make so much effort then the ball is in her court .If she ever has children then she will probably need her Mum and family then by which time it may be too late. DD has given up trying to find out why she has disowned us.She seems to be motivated by her B/F and his family at the moment, so who knows they may fall out then she will need us once again. Very sad when families drift apart but it happens in life sometimes. Perhaps its one Mend that is too hard to do so you make-do and try to minimise the loss

vulpix

I am so lucky to have stumbled into a group of loving wise people.Sunny bank holiday wishes.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

vhalla1478

I'll echo that, vulpix.

When I left my first husband and came back to the UK from Swaziland with two young children and the task of rebuilding my life, paying the mortgage, going to work, caring for the children etc., I too found out who were my true friends and who now avoided me because I was no longer part of a couple. I talked to my singer friend about it as he was recently divorced and his theory was that had I been down trodden, didn't look after myself, my children and my home, everyone could be sorry for me and say 'poor Viv', but because I picked myself up, got on with my life etc., (what else can you do) that didn't happen and also because I was single, I posed a threat to wives. After what had happened to me, believe you me, I was not a threat to anyone ,especially a friend's husband but of course, that isn't how it's perceived if you are even vaguely attractive. I have always tried to support friends in time of need and know my real friends will do the same.

Now I really must get on with that MMM!

Viv xx

[Deleted User]

I had to walk away totally from my Mum when the girls were young, 8 and 3 because she was working for the local authority in the fairground and kept giving our address and phone number to people saying she'll give you a room or you can always sleep on thier sofa, anyone who turned up with a hard luck story in essence, she wouldn't stop no matter what I said, she was also involved with a very iffy bunch of people through her current partener who had been in prison more often than out of it! I lived in absolute dread of who would pitch up on the doorstep next and actually stopped answering the phone too, horrendous! When we went abroad and subsequently moved here to Hampshire I told no one where we were going and severed all contact and heard last year that she'd died in 1999 but until then I'd always had that dread that someone would turn up here, relief is now knowing that isn't likely to happen. Sad, but sensible I think!