Need some wedding advice

hypochondriac

BabyBoots wrote: »

Are you planning on having a meal after the service?

If so, why not have the religious readings and songs you're not allowed in the ceremony then? Once everyone is seated, you could enter with "oh when the saints" as background music. You could read something short from either or both religions before eating.

The service itself would then be religion-neutral, but you're nodding to both faiths during the day.

Thanks for the suggestion. This is a possibility and something we may do but in that scenario I think it still feels like we are paying the 460 quid for a ceremony that won't really contain the things we want. I'd love to explore the possibility of minimising the registrar's bit and having our own ceremony around it.

cazziebo

hypochondriac wrote: »

I thought someone would put something like this but the truth is that I do care what she thinks and so does my fianc!.

Good for you!

Too many brides and grooms want to be kings and queens for a day and to heck what anyone else thinks. I really don't know how people can enjoy a day knowing that people they care about are upset or unhappy, especially when a little bit of thought and compromise could have made it all so much better.

I hope you find a way to get everything you want into the wedding. Have a wonderful day.

hypochondriac

cazziebo wrote: »

Good for you!

Too many brides and grooms want to be kings and queens for a day and to heck what anyone else thinks. I really don't know how people can enjoy a day knowing that people they care about are upset or unhappy, especially when a little bit of thought and compromise could have made it all so much better.

I hope you find a way to get everything you want into the wedding. Have a wonderful day.

Thanks very much. I don't think I communicated very well about that point, her mother really is a lovely woman and we get on very well. She wasn't overly happy about the venue which is in Bournemouth whilst they live in Kingston but she just wanted to make her daughter happy. I would prefer to maybe find a compromise if I can to keep people happy. Yes it is our day but it is also a day for the likes of the mother of the bride and I think you do have to consider other people's feelings as well whilst keeping a clear vision of what we both want.

So does anyone know if we can minimise the involvement of the registrar? Can they just come for the short legal bit and then leave? Can we incorporate their bit into our own ceremony? Should we for example have the short legal bit in the morning perhaps and then a proper ceremony in the afternoon? We have a whole to figure this out yet but it's so difficult to find any information about what options I have!

FBaby

Can they just come for the short legal bit and then leave? Can we incorporate their bit into our own ceremony?

Absolutely, although you will be officially married by the time they go so it depends what you want to do afterwards. What do you mean by a 'proper' ceremony?

Again, speak with the registar they are brilliant at giving you ideas, they are after all the experts.

hypochondriac

FBaby wrote: »

Absolutely, although you will be officially married by the time they go so it depends what you want to do afterwards. What do you mean by a 'proper' ceremony?

Again, speak with the registar they are brilliant at giving you ideas, they are after all the experts.

OK maybe that is something I would explore. What I and my partner think is that the marriage in the legal sense isn't all that important to us compared to what we consider a "proper" marriage ceremony. To my mind that is sharing your love in public with family and friends and having a service where we exchange rings, say vows etc. Despite this I can see the other side where many who attended the wedding may feel let down that they haven't seen the marriage in the official sense and I am sure that a few members of the family would feel disappointed were we to do this- seeing it almost like running off to get married before the ceremony!

Can the registrar be a part of our own ceremony? Could we for instance have our own readings, do the service how we want then get the registrar to quickly do the official words and get the register signed, get them to leave and then finish with a rendition of "oh when the saints" (I had to persuade my future wife to allow this so would love it to happen if possible!) and possibly a blessing or period of silence? Or legally would they still consider that part of their service?

They have provisionally booked us in on the day of our wedding already for 2PM but this was before I started looking into our options. They said we should meet up with them a few months before the wedding and I am thinking that maybe now is a bit too early but this is going to play on my mind when we have so many things to sort. I just think if I can get the ceremony clear in my mind and sorted then that is one less thing to worry about.

Kynthia

I think you should meet with the registrar to discuss these questions. I had a civil ceremony and thought it was beautiful. I had a lovely reading and a funny poem about marriage read by my mother and my sister in law. I had music I liked to walk in to, during the signing of the register and to walk out to. I selected the version of the vows I wanted from the list as there was three options I think. My brother recently had a civil ceremony and had a string trio play the entrance and exit music, had a reading and a speech by a good friend, and the whole thing felt very personal to the couple.


Also there are other parts of the day you can tailor things to you both and have these special elements. Will you have a receiving line where you can play 'oh when the saints', or have it play as you walk into the reception room to begin your meal and speeches with all your guests upstanding and clapping (this is usually when your MC asks everyone to welcome the new Mr & Mrs *****).

maman

I think you really may be worrying unduly. You can design a wedding ceremony of your choosing around the official bit that the registrar does. You can have music and readings. You'll have the exchange of rings, vows and signing the register by you and your chosen witnesses. Someone can still 'give the bride away' and you can have a best man and bridesmaid(s). You could have someone say just a few words but speeches of any length are best left until the reception. The only stipulation is nothing religious.


If you really wanted a religious element what about a grace before the reception?


P.S. Good game last night, shame about result.:( I doubt whether 'Oh when the Saints' would be considered religious.;)

s1ipmatt

hypochondriac wrote: »

I thought I found the answer by getting legally married a day or two before, only telling a few people and having a ceremony on the actual date. This had the added advantage of saving us over £400 but sadly her mother isn't having it and said that in her eyes it will ruin the day so that option is out.

Ruin the day for who?? Its your wedding so do it however you wish. You will never please everyone, I found this out.

notanewuser

maman wrote: »

I think you really may be worrying unduly. You can design a wedding ceremony of your choosing around the official bit that the registrar does. You can have music and readings. You'll have the exchange of rings, vows and signing the register by you and your chosen witnesses. Someone can still 'give the bride away' and you can have a best man and bridesmaid(s). You could have someone say just a few words but speeches of any length are best left until the reception. The only stipulation is nothing religious.


If you really wanted a religious element what about a grace before the reception?


P.S. Good game last night, shame about result.:( I doubt whether 'Oh when the Saints' would be considered religious.;)

You can't usually have anything with any religious words, so Robbie Williams' "angels" is out, as is "oh when the saints", "heaven" by sammy and "god only knows" by the beach boys.

notanewuser

wolfehouse wrote: »

My dd had a humanist wedding. It was lovely without the time restrictions and you can make your own ceremony and readings but no religion allowed. Just another route you might consider.

Not a legal wedding in England or Wales though.

A friend had one. They had the humanist one first (considered it the real one) outdoors complete with ring exchange and the readings and vows of their choice. Then they moved to an indoor area which was registered for marriages and did the basic minimum to be legally wed. Then onto the party. There was a bit of an issue with regards to rings already having been exchanged, but there's nothing in law says you can't so they did.