Advice needed- DD wants to come home

BuddyGirl

Thanks everyone.

It's not so much about priorities- it's about what can work. I don't really dislike cats- we've had several over the years. The last two were bullied out by the dog. They still live in the same street, although ignore us completely!

Downstairs is open plan so no option to cordon off but the dog can't get upstairs (too stiff now). DH is allergic to cats but only if there's prolonged contact (eg lies on the bed) so couldn't let them in to our room. That would leave two small rooms (DD2 in one of them) which isn't enough space for food, litter tray and sleeping. I don't think they go out- we're in a town, she lives in the country so wouldn't be a good idea for them to go out for a while anyway. The dog will know they are there- hes not got long left, I'm not sure he'll cope. On the upside- he'll be delighted to have DD back.

Her lease ends 20th Dec. I'll have a look at catteries etc. That might be a temp solution.

Jagraf

valk_scot wrote: »

Think of it the other way. If you for some reason needed to go and live with your DD then would you take well to the suggestion the dog had to be rehomed rather than give the animals a chance to adapt to living together?


I like the idea of the stair gate to separate the territories and a litter tray upstairs won't be smelly if it's cleaned and changed regularly, which presumably your DD will be happy to do. The cats will probably be keen to avoid a strange dog anyway and if he whines a bit is that the very end of the world? He'd be curious of course, any animal would be, but you may well find that after a few days it all settles down.


As others have said, you have to examine your priorities. At the moment these seem to be the dog, your DD and then very much last on the list the cats. Yet presumably your DD loves her cats at least as much as you love your dogs. And she's tried her best to accommodate you over the other animals. Can't you even try to compromise? It's hardly being supportive if you insist she gets rid of her beloved pets and I bet you anything it will cause very long term resentment, twenty years from now when all the animals are long gone she'll still remember that your support was conditional support and that the dog was the most important factor in all of this.


Which is why I urge you to give it a go, at least then if it doesn't work out she won't resent you for not trying. As to the bottom line? Well, if I was your DD I wouldn't be getting rid of my cats, I'd find myself somewhere else to live rather than that.

I'm sure the DD won't resent her mum for anything. Most DDs would understand their mums predicament. The DD is asking for some help, which the mum is giving. I'm sure 'resent' isn't even entering their heads . I would hate to think my DD would resent me for such a thing. I'm sure there is no bottom line.

Maybe you would put your cats first and live somewhere els, that's a decision or he daughter.

luxor4t

Although I am a lover of animals, I think if OP's 26?/27? year old daughter wants to live in her parent's house again, she needs to fit around their situation - including their dog.


I think she would be better finding her own place nearby, where she can keep her pets and retain her independence. Cattery sounds the way to go until she is settled.

*Robin*

BuddyGirl wrote: »

Her lease ends 20th Dec. I'll have a look at catteries etc. That might be a temp solution.

..Better get a move on, or you may struggle to find a cattery with space for DD's cats over the holiday!

OP, do hope you find a happy solution; with an allergic DH, open-plan downstairs and aged, grumpy arthritic dog, I would also be looking at finding alternative accommodation for the cats - preferably in the countryside - for the time being.

Good luck!

catkins

It would probably be best if your daughter found somewhere to rent close to you where she could have her cats. If she really wants to spend some time back at home then I would suggest putting the cats in a cattery until she can get them back.


She has had enough upsets without having to give up her cats as well. If she cannot afford a cattery then I would go with the cats upstairs and a baby gate at the bottom of the stairs so the dog cannot get to them.


I have dogs and a cat and a baby gate on the stairs. My dogs are fine with the cat but I want her to have somewhere she can eat and sleep without being bothered by the dogs.


To be honest if she has lived away for 8 years there is every chance she would not stay long anyway. I know when I moved back home after 3 years away it drove me mad living back with my parents. As much as I loved them I had got used to the independence and things like having my meals cooked and clothes washed soon stopped being a bonus.


A couple of my nieces moved back home after Uni and they too soon moved out into their own places

Mojisola

BuddyGirl wrote: »

They split and she has decided she wants a clean break and wants to come home. she has resigned and given notice on her flat.

Shouldn't she have sorted out new living arrangements before giving up her job and flat?

I wouldn't be pleased at it being taken for granted that I would disrupt my home in this situation. If it was an emergency, of course she would be welcome while something else was worked out but she has planned leaving her job and flat before making sure she has somewhere else to go - very irresponsible!

System

Mojisola wrote: »

Shouldn't she have sorted out new living arrangements before giving up her job and flat?

I wouldn't be pleased at it being taken for granted that I would disrupt my home in this situation. If it was an emergency, of course she would be welcome while something else was worked out but she has planned leaving her job and flat before making sure she has somewhere else to go - very irresponsible!

I'm glad someone posted this cause I was thinking the same thing.

Make-it-3

I would be surprised if country cats are indoor ones. Even if so, you can keep the dog away from them but not vice versa. They can easily jump over a stair gate (my cat does when she wants to get into my daughter's room).

I wonder if you could give it a try with the proviso that if either dog, cats or all are getting distressed that she needs to find cattery accommodation for them while she stays with you.

Or if she can't bear to be separated then she finds somewhere local to you she can live with her cats but still have her parents nearby. In fact, it might be worth putting that suggestion to her in the first instance.

System

Or if she can't bear to be separated then she finds somewhere local to you she can live with her cats but still have her parents nearby. In fact, it might be worth putting that suggestion to her in the first instance.

I think that's the best idea all round but having no income, she's not going to be able to rent a place of her own until she's back at work.

Mojisola

marisco wrote: »

I agree with everything you have written. That the end of a relationship has caused the OPs daughter, to throw in a job and give up her home, suggests to me that she is in a very fragile way emotionally right now. As upsetting as splitting up with someone is, most people don't make such life changing decisions in the spur of the moment.

If a child of mine showed signs of needing support and help, then I would encourage them home and discuss things with them, and focus on matters of a more practical nature once I knew they were okay.

So go back to the parents' house for the weekend; have some long sessions with friends; see the GP if necessary.

You can't give up a flat and a job on the spur of the moment - it takes time to work out notice, etc - time to think things through, look for a new job, find a new place to live.

If Mum and Dad weren't there to run home to, she wouldn't have made herself homeless and jobless - she would have coped. It's not fair to throw other people's lives into the air because you can.

This woman must be in her late 20s - she's an independent adult and should be managing her life accordingly.