Advice needed- DD wants to come home

BuddyGirl

Looking for some advice!

DD1 left to go to Uni 8 years ago. On graduating, she got a job in the Midlands and has lived there ever since. In January, she and her bf moved in together and all was well.

They split and she has decided she wants a clean break and wants to come home. she has resigned and given notice on her flat.

I'd love her to be home (for a little while!) and I feel she needs a bit of tlc. However, she is a bit of an animal lover so I told her she would be welcome, but I can't have the animals. She has rehomed the rats and ferrets but is saying she can't find anyone to take her two cats. We have an old dog and I really don't think he could cope with a cat. Our two cats left home to live with neighbours! dH suggested she keep them in her bedroom but i don't see that as feasible- too small and can't bear the thought of a litter tray upstairs.

Any ideas? ( haven't posted this on pets board as they would probably suggest DH and I move into a tent in the park and give the animals our room! )

JReacher1

Why can't you bear the thought of a litter tray upstairs? It doesn't sound that unbearable!

Your daughters been away from home for 8 years so I imagine she's pretty independent. If you are too difficult about the pets she won't be there for long!

Depends what's more important to you. Your daughter or the fact she will also have 2 cats with her!

BuddyGirl

JReacher1 wrote: »

Depends what's more important to you. Your daughter or the fact she will also have 2 cats with her!

The cats will really distress the 12 year old dog which will make things pretty stressful for all of us! She had the rats up for a visit in the summer and he whined continuously. They were in her bedroom but I think he sensed they were there!

Also don't think it's fair to keep two cats in such a small space. (Or have them in same room as grumpy old dog)

theoretica

You have been clear to your daughter. Seems reasonable to me. Could she pay for the cats to board with one of the neighbours your cats now live with?

marisco_2

BuddyGirl wrote: »

They split and she has decided she wants a clean break and wants to come home. she has resigned and given notice on her flat.

Three very big events to hit someone's life in such quick succession. It sounds as if your daughter very much wants and needs to come home to you for some love and support. She has tried to impact as little as possible on you with her return by seeing if her animals can stay elsewhere. Personally I think you should put her wellbeing ahead of that of your dogs, at a time when she clearly needs you most. The dog will adjust to the new house guests.

*max*

Difficult situation. She wants to come "home", but she has baggage, in the shape of two cats, which she feels responsible for - and rightly so.

Is there any way she could rent somewhere near you? It'd be a major upheaval for the poor cats too (and cats HATE change). But it'd be better than having them transported into a house they're not welcome, with dogs there too.

I really hope for the sake of her cats, she doesn't move them in with you. I honestly think they would be better off rehomed if she's intent on living with you. What an awful situation for the poor things. And of course for your daughter too, but they don't have any choice in the matter.

peachyprice

Are they cats that are used to going outdoors? If so is there a part of the house they could have access to, that the dog can't, that has access to outdoors? I'm thinking dining room/utility room/Kitchen.

If they're indoors cats could you put a gate at the bottom of the stairs so the dog can't get up there and at least let them have more than one room. He will get used to them being there and may even like them eventually. It does happen, even with the most grumpy cat/dog combo.

Either way, you can't coop them up in one room 24/7, that would be grossly unkind to them, your daughter will have to find another home for them if that really is the only solution.

Jagraf

OP, I really feel for you and I don't think you are choosing between your daughter and the animals, you are looking for a practical solution and indeed I too have had cats and I wouldn't want to keep the in a bedroom either, it doesn't sound practical or fair on anyone.

If it were my daughter I would think my daughter would understand why it isn't practical, its not unreasonable for,your daughter to make a little allowance in order to get the tlc she needs and you want to give.

My parents are the most loving you could get but they really don't like cats and seriously couldn't live with them. I wouldn't put them in that dilemma.

It's up to your daughter, with your help if she wants it, to find a solution. Maybe a local Catery for a while (we have done this in the past) or she could rent by you.

Good luck you sound like you care about everything, and your daughter is lucky to have you. I hope things turn out well for her.

FBaby

My partner and I moved with his parents temporily when we moved back to his town many years ago. His parents welcome us but made it clear we could have the cats there. We found a local sanctuary that agreed to take them on at no charge (charity). They were fantastic, even fed one of them with salmon when he struggled to adjust at first. The manager absolutely loved them and gave them a lot of fuss. It was hearbreaking to see them there, but we understood and respected my partner's parents decision and were greatful for them to welcome us. It certainly gave us the incentive to find a place to move. We of course contributed weekly despite not being charged.

valk_scot

Think of it the other way. If you for some reason needed to go and live with your DD then would you take well to the suggestion the dog had to be rehomed rather than give the animals a chance to adapt to living together?


I like the idea of the stair gate to separate the territories and a litter tray upstairs won't be smelly if it's cleaned and changed regularly, which presumably your DD will be happy to do. The cats will probably be keen to avoid a strange dog anyway and if he whines a bit is that the very end of the world? He'd be curious of course, any animal would be, but you may well find that after a few days it all settles down.


As others have said, you have to examine your priorities. At the moment these seem to be the dog, your DD and then very much last on the list the cats. Yet presumably your DD loves her cats at least as much as you love your dogs. And she's tried her best to accommodate you over the other animals. Can't you even try to compromise? It's hardly being supportive if you insist she gets rid of her beloved pets and I bet you anything it will cause very long term resentment, twenty years from now when all the animals are long gone she'll still remember that your support was conditional support and that the dog was the most important factor in all of this.


Which is why I urge you to give it a go, at least then if it doesn't work out she won't resent you for not trying. As to the bottom line? Well, if I was your DD I wouldn't be getting rid of my cats, I'd find myself somewhere else to live rather than that.

Brighton_belle

marisco wrote: »

Three very big events to hit someone's life in such quick succession.

valk_scot wrote: »

Think of it the other way. If you for some reason needed to go and live with your DD then would you take well to the suggestion the dog had to be rehomed rather than give the animals a chance to adapt to living together?

But the DD hasn't cruelly been made redundant and been thrown out of her flat, she made these choices. And without consideration for her parents dog who gets very stressed with other animals in the house - caring about animals should go beyond just your own.