Relationship woes , am I wrong ??

paddy's_mum

Zipper01 wrote: »

we are ALWAYS doing each other favours

'Always'? More than fetching the odd roll of sellotape from the stockroom on your way back down the corridor or a pint of milk when you nip to the 7 - 11 for a lunchtime sandwich?

I've worked in many places over a lifetime of employment and I've never seen an arrangement such as you describe. I find that word 'always' rather worrying.

I suspect that your girlfriend is actually trying to assess how big a hold these people have on you, and why ... and just how much space that leaves for her.

How many times in your working life (before this job) did you experience this 'close knit' and 'always' situation?

I'm all for being on good terms with colleagues. A few have become lifelong friends. However, frankly, I find your current devotion to your colleagues to be decidedly odd and I'm not surprised if the situation is ringing alarm bells in the lady's mind.

Good luck.

(My capitals in the quote)

Mojisola

Zipper01 wrote: »

My new Girlfriend and I are both in our 50's we've been together for 3 months and all is great except .......
I work with a close knit team( mainly women) and have done for 4 years we are always doing each other favours ( picking up shopping etc)/ socialising together (with their husbands/partners in tow).

I have tried including her in social events, Indeed my colleagues have invited her too, but these are all turned down. From what she says trust has never been an issue in previous relationships , your thoughts please

There's no suggestion that he is running about doing their errands - it sounds like a mutual thing.

As the other workers bring their OHs to social events, it's strange that the new GF hasn't been willing to try a couple of events.

Unless she can explain her actions and has a very good reason for wanting him to stop socialising, I'd be very reluctant to sour relations with workmates who are also friends.

TBagpuss

I think in the fist instance, it is reasonable to sit down ad think about your relationship with your friends/colleagues - it's not unreasonable to adjust the time you spend with them to take into account the fact that you are now in a relationship, so it may be reasonable to reduce the time with them, but it seem unhealthy to cut off all socialising outside a single relationship.

Also, sit down and talk with your partner - clarify whether she is in fact saying that you should not socialise at all with other people, either including her or separately. If that is the case, decide whether that kind of relationship is what you want. I have come across people who do have that kind of 'joined at the hip' mentality, and do absolutely everything (outside work) together or not at all - I personally would find it stifling and it can be a symptom of a very controlling relationship.

Does your girlfriend have other friends? What does she do for leisure? Is she expecting to give up those pursuits or is this a one-sided thing?

New relationships do inevitably change the dynamics of old ones, but these should normally be compromise on both sides - if she can't, or won't compromise, then for me, that would be a massive red flag.

It may however be worth trying to discuss the situation with her - does she understand that these people are your friends, not just colleagues? Does she know that their partners are normally included in the socialising? Would she be happy with you reducing, rather than stopping, social activities to make time for more one-to-one time with her?

However, if she is not willing to discuss or compromise then I would rethink the relationship. Isolating you from your friends is a characteristic of an abusive relationship and if you decide to continue in the relationship, be very, very wary.

Of course, it is possible that she is simply caught up in the excitement of starting a new relationship, but if that is the case, then it should be possible to discuss it with her and agree on a compromise.

fivetide

Do you have a rabbit OP? If so, hide the pressure cooker.


Seriously, a bit more info needed really but if it is a genuine "you will not see anyone other than me" then you should drop her like a bad habit.


Anyone you see needs to accept you as a helpful individual. Sounds like this group of people have been a great link for you and given you a good social scene. Of course you might see a bit less of them as you should share the social scene your partner has but cut all ties? No no no.

marisco_2

Good friends can be hard to find and should never be given up for a relationship. Any partner that expects you to give up friendships for him or her is selfish and very likely controlling. See your friends and enjoy interests that don’t always include your partner. Independence is healthy and always helps you feel you are in a relationship because you want to be not because you need to be.

duchy

I suspect if the OP is honest HE is the one who is "always doing things" for the others.

Quite simply it sounds a very odd work set up and I suspect he may be being taken advantage of ............however as he's not come back to the thread to answer the questions asked it's all simply opinion.

Belenus

Get Out Now.

sulkisu

duchy wrote: »

I suspect if the OP is honest HE is the one who is "always doing things" for the others.

Quite simply it sounds a very odd work set up and I suspect he may be being taken advantage of ............however as he's not come back to the thread to answer the questions asked it's all simply opinion.

Or perhaps we could take OP at his word, and assume that he meant what he said in his first post - i.e. that they are always doing each other favours. I don't think that it sounds particularly odd - just different. I have worked in many different environments and what might have seemed 'odd' in one place, seemed perfectly natural in others. It depends on the people that you work with.
Furthermore, while I agree that communication is the key, it is up to his partner to explain why she doesn't like what he is doing (instead of just telling him to stop) as opposed to OP having to tease it out of her.

duchy

sulkisu wrote: »

Furthermore, while I agree that communication is the key, it is up to his partner to explain why she doesn't like what he is doing (instead of just telling him to stop) as opposed to OP having to tease it out of her.

Thing is if a partner says "I want you to stop doing <something you've done for a while> " in most normal conversations that prompts a conversation as to Why ? And I'm a bit baffled the OP has offered no reasons given by his girlfriend so I'm wondering if she gave reasons he didn't think were relevant or wanted to hear ......or if it really was a comment in isolation that he made no response to (which sounds unlikely)

For me the basic question is ......... Is it only this particular group the girlfriend feels is undesirable -and is she happy to socilize with his other friends.

A tight knit group can be quite intimidating and if the first time she met them they appeared to be judging her (and lets face it a group of women working with one man are going to be quite nosey if he produces a girlfriend- especially if he has been single for a while).

Of course if she's only met them at an office booze up -she may not have seen them at their best

OP hasn't come back .....despite claiming to be a regular poster using an AE Hmmmm

Zipper01

duchy wrote: »

Thing is if a partner says "I want you to stop doing <something you've done for a while> " in most normal conversations that prompts a conversation as to Why ? And I'm a bit baffled the OP has offered no reasons given by his girlfriend so I'm wondering if she gave reasons he didn't think were relevant or wanted to hear ......or if it really was a comment in isolation that he made no response to (which sounds unlikely)

For me the basic question is ......... Is it only this particular group the girlfriend feels is undesirable -and is she happy to socilize with his other friends.

A tight knit group can be quite intimidating and if the first time she met them they appeared to be judging her (and lets face it a group of women working with one man are going to be quite nosey if he produces a girlfriend- especially if he has been single for a while).

Of course if she's only met them at an office booze up -she may not have seen them at their best

OP hasn't come back .....despite claiming to be a regular poster using an AE Hmmmm

Apologies Duchy, have been away for a few days , Yes you are right , She felt that my colleagues were being invasive when they first met her , she is a very private person and couldn't understand why I would pick up things (for my colleagues) whilst shopping for myself, didn't help that one of the girls phoned me whilst I was out shopping with the girlfriend !!
we've had a long chat though and joining me tonight for dinner at the bosses house .