divorce advice please

burlington6

sunshine_shell wrote: »

i'm lucky enough to earn a decent wage as a teacher, my beautiful little girl is 20 months old, i just can't bare the thought of her thinking that how her daddy behaves is normal! I am very very frightened of losing everything i've spent the last 10 years building up.

I'm quite happy to pay my share, but staying in here with him is getting harder and harder.

At least you're honest!

warmhands.coldheart

Sad how at the end of the day when people do get divorced, all common sense and willingness to compromise goes out the window, solicitors & courts get involved and it ALL then comes down to personal gain, egos & Money !!!...

REMEMBER THERE IS A CHILD INVOLVED IN ALL OF THIS!!

Why do you feel you have some right to own a house? Why not rent?

How about sitting down and talking things through and making some compromises..
eg for example
He gets his £40,000, you get your £10,000.. remainder split 50/50
on the condition....
You will be solely entitled/receive all child related benefits, tax credits etc ....
He claims childcare vouchers through his work for future childcare for your child [he saves on tax (about £1000) and uses them to pay for your child's childcare so you are up about £3000 per year while it's only costing him about £2000]
He agrees to pay every single penny of child maintenance he is required to pay... No negotiation. No messing about..
He agrees to pay half of all additional "extra" requirements the child may have in regards to clubs, after school activities, school trips etc..
He agrees to open a child's bank account for your child and put in a set amount every month... even it's on £50.... that way he's giving the money to your child and not you!!

Talk it all through... COMPROMISE....

rpc

warmhands.coldheart wrote: »

He agrees to pay every single penny of child maintenance he is required to pay...

He is self-employed. If he chooses to, it is entirely likely that he can ensure his assessed maintenance is roughly £0 under the CSA rules.

You will be solely entitled/receive all child related benefits, tax credits etc ....

PWC would always be the one who can claim this, it isn't up for negotiation. Claiming benefits must align with govt rules and they assign these to the PWC.

He gets his £40,000, you get your £10,000.. remainder split 50/50 on the condition....

It's been 7 years, original deposit payments are neither here nor there (unless accounted for in a deed of trust that is considered binding). Then they got married and his share became their share, her share also became their share. The house is a marital asset, it starts from 50:50.

It might be different if they were not married, but that isn't the case. I never like using £ figures anyway - you give up cash for equity. If there's negative equity your suggestion falls flat because you simply can't extract the £50k.

warmhands.coldheart

rpc wrote: »

He is self-employed. If he chooses to, it is entirely likely that he can ensure his assessed maintenance is roughly £0 under the CSA rules.


PWC would always be the one who can claim this, it isn't up for negotiation. Claiming benefits must align with govt rules and they assign these to the PWC.



It's been 7 years, original deposit payments are neither here nor there (unless accounted for in a deed of trust that is considered binding). Then they got married and his share became their share, her share also became their share. The house is a marital asset, it starts from 50:50.

It might be different if they were not married, but that isn't the case. I never like using £ figures anyway - you give up cash for equity. If there's negative equity your suggestion falls flat because you simply can't extract the £50k.

I was just giving an example... the jist of it is COMPROMISE. Give & Take.... Keep it amicable, act like adults not kids!!

sunshine_shell

yes you are right with the my daughter comment and i didn't mean to offend anyone and i am sorry for that, but about 10 minutes before i posted my reply, he told me he regretted having her and that he didn't realise how hard it would be. So i was very upset.

I am quite happy to compromise warmhands.coldheart and in response to your question, why shouldn't i want to own a house? I bought my first property when i was 23, I've never rented, i wouldn't know where to start. I want to give DD a secure home i wouldn't want to be moving every couple or years.

when i posted on here i just wanted a bit of advice, he cornered me for two hours last night ranting about how he had spoken to people and that if i was going to make it difficult he would make it just as difficult, his behaviour and attitude are appalling on Saturday he went missing for 25 hours, he left to go to football at 9.10 on Saturday morning and turned up back home on Sunday past 10 am this is a regular occurrence and he openly tells me that he doesn't see 'what my f**king problem is'

Also told me that he's rather kill himself than spend anymore time in the house with me and DD than he has to........ this is the man who i thought i would grow old with

i have made an appointment with a solicitor and am researching collaborative law. Thank you so much for the responses I am really grateful that you have taken the time to reply

warmhands.coldheart

sunshine_shell wrote: »

...Also told me that he's rather kill himself than spend anymore time in the house with me and DD than he has to........

Possibly some mental health or other issues going on there??? Quite harsh to say you'd rather be dead!!

meer53

sunshine_shell wrote: »

yes you are right with the my daughter comment and i didn't mean to offend anyone and i am sorry for that, but about 10 minutes before i posted my reply, he told me he regretted having her and that he didn't realise how hard it would be. So i was very upset.

I am quite happy to compromise warmhands.coldheart and in response to your question, why shouldn't i want to own a house? I bought my first property when i was 23, I've never rented, i wouldn't know where to start. I want to give DD a secure home i wouldn't want to be moving every couple or years.

when i posted on here i just wanted a bit of advice, he cornered me for two hours last night ranting about how he had spoken to people and that if i was going to make it difficult he would make it just as difficult, his behaviour and attitude are appalling on Saturday he went missing for 25 hours, he left to go to football at 9.10 on Saturday morning and turned up back home on Sunday past 10 am this is a regular occurrence and he openly tells me that he doesn't see 'what my f**king problem is'

Also told me that he's rather kill himself than spend anymore time in the house with me and DD than he has to........ this is the man who i thought i would grow old with

i have made an appointment with a solicitor and am researching collaborative law. Thank you so much for the responses I am really grateful that you have taken the time to reply

He sounds like a right plonker. You'll be better off without him in your life. Drama queen or what ?

My ex threatens to kill himself, even now, 12 years after we split. As his brother and father both actually did commit suicide, then i was always worried about these threats, but now i just think, ok, if thats what you want to do, then off you go. Trying to control someone by making threats like that is emotional abuse. I'd suggest to him that if he's so upset about your divorce then he should seek help for his depression. Don't let him upset you and your daughter, thats exactly what he wants. He's trying to control you.


I always refer to my daughter and son as just that, mine. It's a natural thing to do, don't worry about it. People need to know what your OH is saying, if this comes across as negative, then thats how it has to be. You can't dress things up to protect him, make sure that you keep a note of things he says and when. If he wants to go missing for a day, let him, don't let him see that it bothers you, i'd smile sweetly and ask if he's had a good time

Your DD will have a secure home, whether it's rented or not, as long as you're there it doesn't matter where you live, or for how long. If he says he doesn't want to spend any more time in the house with you and your daughter, suggest he moves out for a while ! Might focus his mind for a while. Does he have family he can go to ? If this situation is just a blip, maybe he needs time away to think about things, and to decide whether this is what he really wants ? It would also help you to think too.

It's OK saying compromise, sometimes it's just not possible. All you can do is try. It took me 2 years to summon up the strength to stand up to my ex, even after he'd moved out, it's even harder when you're still living together. I so wish i'd been able to do it right from the start, my daughter was 2 when it all kicked off, she doesn't remember any of it so don't worry about your DD. She will be fine. One day she will make her own mind up about her Daddy, mine has.

Good luck

purpleshoes_2

The can't wait to be away and the disappearing acts, possible he's seeing someone else. He does sound like a complete idiot, you need to protect yourself and your child from him and his angry outbursts.

sunshine_shell

i think its more dramatic effect than actual mental health issues, its entirely possible that he could be seeing someone else, He actually accused me of cheating and as i learnt on maternity leave Jezza says you only accuse when you have something to be guilty of!

Ergh I guess i just need to get my questions right in my head and down on paper for my appointment. My mum is having DD then we're going to cheer ourselves up by going round the Christmas market

sunshine_shell

the solicitor was very helpful, went through the options and took a copy of the paperwork to see if it was legal.

She's got back to me. It's worthless so he can bully me as much as he likes 50/50 is in her words 'the best he can expect'