very long post...advice needed **update**

chocolatelover80

geminilady wrote: »

I think it would be cruel to make her stop seeing her stepfather,he has been her dad for all of her 6 years by your choosing,of course tell her the truth as gently as you can but if she still wants to see him you should let her.

Yes this is another dilemma, im not considering not letting her see him for biology purposes, its the fact that hes using her to get to me and playing with her like shes a toy because he knows it will hurt me, he doesnt seem to care that its hurting her too.

The agreement was he has her overnight every 2nd saturday and after school 1 night per week because thats the times he has off work but he is not sticking to it at all. He has been going out partying instead each day off he gets and expecting me to make up excuses for him.
Last saturday he cancelled having her in order to drive over to a womans house and stop there the night (over and hour away) that he'd met on the internet the previous week. My daughter was sat here bag packed sobbing her heart out, the week before that he was going out all night with the lads and the same the week before that so all in all over the past month hes only managed to see her the odd hour here n there squeezed in a t ridiculous times before school etc.

Then there is the issue of him being irresponsible eg he refuses to wear a seat belt, feeds her on sweets and rubbish and wont respect bedtimes set plus he badmouths me to her and blatantly lies that its me stopping him seeing her.

FBaby

chocolatelover80 wrote: »

and the reason I chased him for csa was because a) husband got me in thousands of debt and i was in crisis i needed the help and as he kept pointing out he wasnt her dad so hes not paying a penny and b) i didnt know how else to contact him as i didnt have details and thought that this would be a way to start contact so that i can let him know that he is safe to begin a relationship with his daughter if he so wishes.

I know people will have different views, but the way I see it, you had an agreement. You say that you and your partner met with the biological father and agreed with the plan that he would have nothing to do with the baby. It suited you then but when you suddenly needed money, you decided to change the plan to suit you again.

I feel for the guy who thought he had an agreement to give up his right, which he did for the benefit of another man, but then he gets to pay for the child whilst the other man gets to continue to play dad and pay nothing.

Did you contact him then to ask if he wanted a relationship with his DD? What did he say?

FBaby

The agreement was he has her overnight every 2nd saturday and after school 1 night per week because thats the times he has off work but he is not sticking to it at all. He has been going out partying instead each day off he gets and expecting me to make up excuses for him.

Biological fathers do that too, my ex certainly did, but that doesn't make them less a father to the child.

chocolatelover80

FBaby wrote: »

Biological fathers do that too, my ex certainly did, but that doesn't make them less a father to the child.

Yes I no some fathers do that hes not the only one but then is it reasonable for her to keep getting hurt hoping he will turn up and he doesn't and letting him use her to get to me and the odd time he does turn up he puts her at risk with his irresponsibility or is it better to cut ties now and let her have a relationship with her real dad? He has flatly refused to have supervised contact so that I know she is safe and he has also said if i introduce her to her real dad or tell her about him he wants nothing to do with her. Again everything is on his terms

As for her biological father he did want to have a relationship with her, he even suggested at one point that he has custody that was before he was intimidated by my husband, we then moved house so i have no idea what happened next, i wasn't aware my husband attacked one of his family until recently. I made the application for csa and he accepted it with no argument, i do think given the chance he would like a relationship with her but i do not know how to get in touch with him, that's another issue.

Mojisola

chocolatelover80 wrote: »

Yes I no some fathers do that hes not the only one but then is it reasonable for her to keep getting hurt hoping he will turn up and he doesn't and letting him use her to get to me and the odd time he does turn up he puts her at risk with his irresponsibility or is it better to cut ties now and let her have a relationship with her real dad? He has flatly refused to have supervised contact so that I know she is safe and he has also said if i introduce her to her real dad or tell her about him he wants nothing to do with her. Again everything is on his terms

As for her biological father he did want to have a relationship with her, he even suggested at one point that he has custody that was before he was intimidated by my husband, we then moved house so i have no idea what happened next, i wasn't aware my husband attacked one of his family until recently. I made the application for csa and he accepted it with no argument, i do think given the chance he would like a relationship with her but i do not know how to get in touch with him, that's another issue.

Your daughter might know him as her Dad but it could be for the best if he walks away - a controlling person can be very difficult to have in your life.

Don't rush into any decisions at the moment. Things will take their course - if he's only interested in your daughter to mess you about, he'll stop if you can keep on an even keel and don't let him see if you're upset.

If you have concerns about your safety, contact Women's Aid and talk things through with them -
http://www.womensaid.org.uk/

FBaby

No one can say whether your DD is more at emotional risk with her father letting her down, or with cutting total contact. At 6, she is not a baby any longer and you can't dictate who she can get emotionally attached to. You would now prefer that she cut contact with her father and start a fatherly relationship with her biological father but you can't erase the past, the fact that she loves a man who might not be the best father for her, or that she might not be interested in getting attached to a man who is a stranger to her just because she shares his genes.

I would have thought that if the biological father was interested in contact with her, HE would have made an effort to get in touch with you now, especially after you applied for maintenance. How do you know that even if he did care, that he would be more reliable than her adopted father?

The situation is a mess and what is best for your daughter isn't black or white but full of 'if's. One sure thing, you shouldn't act on the back of you wanting to punish your ex husband for the control he is trying to gain over you. He is being immature about it, don't do the same.

chocolatelover80

yes i understand what you're saying, its hard to know what to do for the best, if i make the wrong decision now it could have irreversible consequences

meritaten

I tend to agree to tell your DD sooner rather than later. you honestly do NOT want to be saying all this to a teenager! much better now while she is six and you can just say it was a 'mistake' on your part and you know her real dad is 'so and so'. they accept so much more at that age - that a teen wont.
stop worrying - its very rare for the GRO to prosecute and under the circumstances they probably wont.
it sounds to me as if you have 'grown up' a lot in the last couple of years - maturity means taking responsibility for your actions and making amends. Start now. and you don't really know if your DDs biological father wouldn't want a relationship with her - he may, but may be scared and wont approach you.

chocolatelover80

**updated **

lulu_92

I don't want to post and run but his sexual preferences aren't anyone elses business and you can't really do anything about that unless there's proof that it would be putting your DD in danger.

I'm sure there's plenty of parents who have the same, if not bigger, kinks..


Drugs, of course, are a deal breaker.