very long post...advice needed **update**

chocolatelover80

**update at bottom of page ...if you make it that far well done lol

Ok before I explain my dilemma I would ask that you try not to judge, I am aware I have made some bad decisions and i'm certainly paying for them now. It's a long story so I shall try to keep it as brief as I can.

I met my husband (soon to be ex husband) 11 years ago. I was vulnerable at the time (wont go into detail) and looking back I got too involved too quick. We were both young and he was smoking cannabis quite regular with his friends and brother. I stuck by him and managed to help him break free of that lifestyle, i gave him lots of encouragement and motivated him into getting a job and building himself up. I also spent a fortune on him and paid for all his driving lessons etc and car and put myself at the back of the list making sure he had everything he needed/wanted. Looking back i was very silly, there was never equality in the relationship and I allowed that to continue, probably even encouraged it sometimes.

As the months progressed I became aware that he had a nasty temper, he couldn't handle not being in control. He was a very large man (23 stone) and when he lost his temper it was scary, he would smash thing up (my stuff usually) and punch walls etc. He never hit me, not back then anyway but he was verbally and emotionally abusive always putting me down. I had no friends or family due to earlier life experiences and I kind of became needy, he was my world, i felt without him I would have nobody and I was suffering depression at the time. As with all abusive relationships he had a good side too and i lived for the good times.

The years progressed and i became stronger, I wanted to try and meet new people and use my education to get me a good job but everything had to be about him. Eventually after 5 years together I kicked him out, he smashed things up etc but finally left.

I met another man and I fell pregnant by him, it wasn't planned but our contraception failed. My ex cant have children and so when he found out he was hurt, not just about the baby but it was a sign id moved on. The months passed and he was begging me to get back with him, he took an anger management course called think 1st and he genuinely seemed to have changed. Things began to fizzle with the guy i was with, his heart wasn't in it and he didnt want a relationship with me and so called it a day (or atleast thats what i thought). I didn't want to be a single mum and eventually agreed to get back with my ex.

At 1st things were really good or so i thought, back then i wasn't aware of a few things that had happened behind my back. We spoke about the baby and he wanted to bring it up as his own with his name on the birth certificate and telling his family it was his. We spoke to the biological dad who agreed with this and said he didnt want anything to do with the baby, i was shocked and hurt by that and didn't want my baby to grow up without a dad and so agreed with this plan. I didn't know back then what i know now and that is that the reason he split with me and wanted no contact is because my soon to be ex husband and his mates had been round threatening him and told him what would happen if he didn't do as he was told.

After this things were good for a long time, the baby was born and this seemed to be the making of my ex or so i thought. he loved her instantly and couldn't put her down. We put his name on the birth certificate and as silly as it now sounds we really didnt realise that this was a breech of the law or that we could get into trouble for it. He passed his driving test and we bought a car. When my daughter was 6 months old we married.

3 months after we married I felt something was wrong, my ex was always disappearing with his phone and going out lots in the car. 1 day he left his old phone laying around and I checked it, my suspicions were right. He was having an affair with his ex. My world fell apart and i got very low, i still had no real friends or family and just felt broken.

Again i forgave him after several months of talking and we moved area for a fresh start. Life carried on but was never really the same, i'd lost my trust for him. The years went by and we drifted further apart, everything was about him, he had to be the one working, the one going out, the driver etc, i had no life and i would become frustrated and trya and tell him and we would end up arguing. He would then bring up my ex (my daughters father) and how i betrayed him and call me a s**g, over the years he would get more abusive with his name calling and put downs. I went out perhaps 3 times in the whole relationship and each time i was accused of all sorts so didn't bother after that it wasn't worth the arguing.

Things got worse, he was under stress at work and i had decided enough was enough and i wanted a job too and a life and if he wouldnt compromise i would have to leave him. We had a huge row and he spat on me and head butted me (not full on just enough to knock me back onto the bed but still enough for me to realise enough is enough). I made him leave, not before he smashed up my stuff and got me into alot of debt though.

I was doing well without him and he didn't like that. I put in a claim for csa with my daughters biological father (i explained the situation to csa) to help with finances and i met another man who treated me so much better. My ex continued to see my daughter but did use that as a means to try and control me.

I separated from the man I was with because i was under alot of stress from my ex and i was feeling low, my heart wasnt in a relationship, i wanted to find me and get myself a life. When this happened my husband seemed happier, even though i wasn't with him i wasnt with anyone else so he was happy. That was until i discovered i was pregnant, my ex husband hit the roof. He was hurt that he could not give me a child and that this may mean id get back with my ex.

In short my ex husband and I talked and discussed getting back together but i just couldn't forgive him or trust him again after his behaviour and i didnt want another child bringing up into arguing etc. I stayed single for some time keeping in touch with the babies father. i became stronger and more motivated and the low mood eventually lifted. The babies father moved in with me 2 weeks before i gave birth and we have been together since, he is everything my husband isnt, he looks after me, he's great with the kids and he respects me, we are equal.

My soon to b ex husband always banked on us getting back together and so he didn't tell family and his friends that we had split and he'd moved out, he instead told them he was the babies father in the hope id do what i did 1st time and get back with him and add him to the birth certificate. Obviously i didn't.

The baby is now 3 months old and my ex has finally realized we will never be getting back together. To save face he has told all his work friends and family that ive been having an affair and he thought the baby was his etc and he came home to find us together..... absolute rubbish of course but they dont know that (he was tested years ago and it came back that he cant have kids of his own so not sure why he thinks his family would believe that). I'm now the topic of conversation on his face book page. I am not bothered what any of them think of me really, i have plenty of message conversations that can prove what he did to me over the years and the truth but i have no desire to enter into arguing with them all I just want to get on with my life.

Now for my dilemma!! My daughter is now 6, I am aware that the name on her birth certificate is not her biological father even though she has only ever known him as a dad and when he makes the effort they are close. However, the only reason the real father isnt involved is because he was intimidated by my ex and then we lost touch, he does pay maintenance through csa.

My ex husband is playing with my daughters feelings and i feel sometimes uses her to get at me, he is meant to have her every 2nd saturday when hes off work but he has been putting new girlfriends and nights out partying ahead of that and shes left crying and upset, then when he wants to know her he'll be telling me when hes having her and expecting me to alter anything i have planned to accomodate his wishes. She is so desperate to see him she will do just about anything and when he does have her he purposely does the opposite of what i ask him e.g feeding her lots of sweets and giving her junk food all weekend, some of his behaviour is very irresponsible too such as driving with no seatbelt.

Having said that he does love my daughter and he can be a really good dad and they are close. He has never harmed her like he has me although she has witnessed some arguments between us.

I am torn as what to do for the best, I know for as long as he is involved he will continue to try and make me feel bad with his little digs and play with my daughters feelings to get at me and try and turn her against me.Also everytime he has a new woman or night out, that comes 1st for him and my daughter is left crying. I also do not want her to hate me when shes older for lying to her about her real dad and not giving her the chance to get to know him. So my dilemma is, now that I have escaped this man do I leave the situation as it is or is now the time to tell my daughter about her real father and contact him to give them a chance to get to know eachother, also should i seek to get my ex husbands name taken off the birth certificate and even if i try what if he doesnt consent to a dna?

I know its long and complicated but please try not to judge me i just need some outside advice.

****update****
My daughter now knows the situation regarding her birth father and she took the news very well to be fair she was just a bit concerned that she might not be able to see my ex who she knows as dad. i was all set to set contact back up and give him a stern warning about letting her down and using her to get to me when i came across some new information....its knocked me for 6. I will cut it short....my soon to be ex husband has come out as bi-sexual although he hasnt come out as such hes hoping nobody he knows will find out, thats fine each to their own preference but then i found out (and saw) hed been messaging an old woman (late 50's hes 28 and not being rude but she looks like a man) asking if he can join her and her husband for fun, then he joined a swingers site and has wrote about some sexual fantasies which are quite disturbing. Then he wrote messages how he regularly takes cocaine and other stuff. I am very concerned now and as bad as it was before i really dont feel comfortable leaving this man with my daughter. I really believe now that he is disturbed after the things ive read, hes on a downward hill. He did suffer abuse as a child at the hands of his mother that could explain some of his ways but either way how the hell do i tell my daughter she cant see him what do i say. The violence and controlling was bad enough but now added drugs and strange disturbing sexual fantasies to the mix i just cannot allow unsupervised contact. How am i going to word it to her, he wont agree to supervised and is ready to walk away from her life if i dont give him unsupervised. How do i tell a 6 year old girl that?

RAS

You do not need your ex husband to agree to a DNA test as far as I know; you do need your child's bio father to agree, however.

Poppie68

Your ex wouldn't need to do a DNA test to prove he is not the father as parentage would be proved by the biological father doing the test. Your daughter deserves to know the truth regardless of who gets hurt, telling her now while she is young we help her in the future and not leave her to deal with the issue later in her childhood when teenage angst has got a grip on her.

lulu_92

Poppie68 wrote: »

Your daughter deserves to know the truth regardless of who gets hurt, telling her now while she is young we help her in the future and not leave her to deal with the issue later in her childhood when teenage angst has got a grip on her.

This. My friend found out something like this when she was 13 and it messed her up (her own words) for a very long time and blamed her mum for a lot of it.

chocolatelover80

But how do I go about getting a dna done, I have no details for him now and not sure he would even agree to it. I rang csa and they will not do a dna as im already claiming maintenance for her so there's no need for one from their end, I cant claim csa from ex hubby (just to force him to do a dna and get his name removed as I no for a fact he wouldnt pay csa so would agree to a dna in those circumstances) as im already claiming it from the biological father so how do I enforce a dna to get his name removed and the right name on there. Ive made such a mess of everything

Mojisola

https://www.gov.uk/correct-birth-registration
Removing the wrong father’s details
You can only apply to change who the father is if a DNA test proves (or a court order says) that the man named on the certificate isn’t the natural father.
You must apply to the GRO for this type of change.

RAS

You really do need to start talking to your daughter sooner rather than later.

In my family two brothers grew up and married thinking that a man who hit them was their father; their sisters knew he was a step-father and married in their real names.

Are there any books in the library about step-parents?

Given the increasing importance of genetics in medicine, even if you say nothing, there is a chance it will come out. And there is always the risk that your ex will blurt it out one day.

chocolatelover80

What if she hates me for it and blames me, as soon as I tell her she will want to speak to him for confirmation and comfort and no doubt he will use that opportunity to try and turn her against me. Mojisola it says You must apply to the GRO for this type of change.... who is the GRO?

TonyMMM

To change the father's details on the birth certificate you will need a court to rule on the paternity issue - a DNA test from the biological father will obviously be the best evidence to support that, but other evidence could be used - e.g. that he is paying maintenance via the csa.

You would then contact the registrars who hold the original birth registration, and they will have to get the change agreed by the Registrar General.

Technically, you committed Perjury when you registered the child, although GRO (General Register Office) seldom take action in such cases.

Mojisola

chocolatelover80 wrote: »

What if she hates me for it and blames me, as soon as I tell her she will want to speak to him for confirmation and comfort and no doubt he will use that opportunity to try and turn her against me. Mojisola it says You must apply to the GRO for this type of change.... who is the GRO?

The General Register Office - http://www.gro.gov.uk/gro/content/

You have to use an approved company to do the DNA test so don't start anything until you've taken advice.

Poppie68

It might be a good idea to make yourself an appointment with a family law specialist solicitor, even just for a free initial appointment. Also worth having a word with your health visitor, my daughter's helped her immensely when she needed help.