very long post...advice needed **update**

chocolatelover80

I have rang the free family law advice line. They said as i'm not in touch with the biological father i will need to apply for a c63 declaration of parentage form, the court willthen write to my husband instructing a dna test and if he refuses they will assume he is not the parent as he's refusing dna and so will make an order that he's not the parent, i would then need to take that order to the general register to make the amendment.

Am i likely to get into trouble? It was a very silly thing to do i realize that now. I'm just starting to get my life on track, i've started driving lessons and on the way to finding a good job at last, if they prosecute me I will never have a career.

Also what will I tell my daughter, how do I word it and do I continue allowing her to see my ex husband or would it be best to put a stop to it once i've told her the truth. She is going to be very upset and more than likely blame me

RAS

Do not tell her anything immediately.

Start by introducing the concept of a step parent; and by defination the converse idea of a biological parent. And that someone does not have to be a biological parent to "bring you up".

Once she has that idea, you can start to explain that ex is her step-parent.

You say you now know that your ex told her biological parent to co-operate with the decision to record the child in his name? How do you know that?

You are not going to get into trouble; both you and her father were under duress.

FBaby

I think you need to leave the birth father alone. He made it clear that he wanted nothing to do with the child. You say he was frightened by your ex, but surely he had plenty of time to come around this and contact you for a relationship with his daughter if that's what he wanted. I'm very confused as to why you decided to go the csa, surely if you were happy for him to have nothing to do with your DD why going after him for money?

I think you need to tell your DD, but don't stop contact with the person she sees as her father. You picked him as a father for her and that's what he is now, whether you like it or not. It can be up to her to decide if she wants no contact with him.

lulu_92

FBaby wrote: »

I think you need to leave the birth father alone. He made it clear that he wanted nothing to do with the child. You say he was frightened by your ex, but surely he had plenty of time to come around this and contact you for a relationship with his daughter if that's what he wanted. I'm very confused as to why you decided to go the csa, surely if you were happy for him to have nothing to do with your DD why going after him for money?

I think you need to tell your DD, but don't stop contact with the person she sees as her father. You picked him as a father for her and that's what he is now, whether you like it or not. It can be up to her to decide if she wants no contact with him.

I agree with your second paragraph and some of your first one.

Whilst I agree that OP should not be asking for money for DD from the biological father, he has chosen to not have anything to do with DD but must still support her so I have to kind of agree that OP was right in chasing it up (plus I got the impression that he's okay with paying it)

Either way, you have a part in creating life, you don't get to shun any responsibility, whether that be financially or by actually being in their life.

My dad never paid a penny in maintenance and chose to not see me again, many years ago.

chocolatelover80

RAS wrote: »

Do not tell her anything immediately.

Start by introducing the concept of a step parent; and by defination the converse idea of a biological parent. And that someone does not have to be a biological parent to "bring you up".

Once she has that idea, you can start to explain that ex is her step-parent.

You say you now know that your ex told her biological parent to co-operate with the decision to record the child in his name? How do you know that?

You are not going to get into trouble; both you and her father were under duress.

My ex husband told me during an argument when we separated, Ive managed to get in touch with a mutual friend of both mine and the biological father who has also confirmed this and apparently after we moved area my husband and his brother attacked a family member of the biological father to give them a warning, I was not even aware of this until recently.

Standing back from the situation and reading it all written down I really don't think its in anyones best interest for my daughter to keep seeing my ex husband after I tell her, I dont think I can trust him not to try and take her or something and I don't believe he is capable of putting her feelings first, its all about control to him and he knows hurting her will hurt me, but how do I explain to a 6 year old that not only is the man shes known as dad for 6 years isn't actually her dad but shes not going to be seeing him anymore. Ive made such a mess of things she's going to hate me for sure

chocolatelover80

and the reason I chased him for csa was because a) husband got me in thousands of debt and i was in crisis i needed the help and as he kept pointing out he wasnt her dad so hes not paying a penny and b) i didnt know how else to contact him as i didnt have details and thought that this would be a way to start contact so that i can let him know that he is safe to begin a relationship with his daughter if he so wishes.

Claire_A87

You've got to stop focusing on what the impact will be on you! You've said things like 'she's going to hate me' about 3 times now - start thinking about the emotional impact on her, and stop wimping out because you're scared of how this will effect you. She's 6! Of course, we should give young children credit for being more switched on than we remember being, but a 6 year old needs her mum, and what she especially needs is her mum doing the right thing in the long run and not worried about whether they won't be pals for a while.

If she reacts badly, it won't last forever. But the older she gets the more she'll remember and the more she'll hold on to. You need to try and be objective and do what you know is right.

Best of luck with it.

Mojisola

chocolatelover80 wrote: »

I have rang the free family law advice line. They said as i'm not in touch with the biological father i will need to apply for a c63 declaration of parentage form, the court willthen write to my husband instructing a dna test and if he refuses they will assume he is not the parent as he's refusing dna and so will make an order that he's not the parent, i would then need to take that order to the general register to make the amendment.

I would check this - it doesn't sound right.

In other threads that have been on here, if the possible father refuses to take a test, the CSA have assumed that he is the father. While your husband's name is on the birth certificate, he has parental responsibility for the child.

RAS

You really really need to slow down and stop catastrophising.

You need to start educating DD about different types of parent.
Once you are fairly confident that that is in place, you can complate the C63 form.

Once you have filled that ion, you need to talk to DD about the fact that ex is her step-father (do not say "not your real father or anything like that). Father but a different sort.

Explain you have to tell her because you have filled in some court papers and it may be that her step-father is upset by them. So until you and the court know how he feels about it, it may be better if he does not see her.

You can always ask that contact is supervised if he ask for it later. That may well be the end of the matter. Or he could force matters through the courts.

I do think that once the dust settles it may be appropriate to let the bio father know the situation. It would be for him to decide if he wants to take it any further.

geminilady

I think it would be cruel to make her stop seeing her stepfather,he has been her dad for all of her 6 years by your choosing,of course tell her the truth as gently as you can but if she still wants to see him you should let her.