How to make her feel better?

RAS

shoe*diva79 wrote: »

Im not afraid to admit I am scared and thinking the worst.

Ok - both you and nan need to deal with what is not catastrophise (sp). Uncle has cancer and no-one knows the extent.

Respond to that and not to the uncertain future.

Once you know next week, that is time to respond to what is known.

I had two friends diagnosed with the same type of cancer roughly the same time although one did not tell us for 3 months.

The other was immediately told it was already inoperable.

He LIVED for 6 years from the time of first symptoms. He was out with mates doing what he enjoyed three days before he died at home. Once he got over going into the hospice the first time for help sorting out pain relief (about 4 years in), he was able to enjoy life to the full.

The other friend was able to have surgery but spent most of the second year in hospital drifting between pain and sleep, occasionally able to enjoy visits.

You just cannot know how things will pan out.

It may be that your parents find it easier to ask uncle what he wants but this may be the time to make plans for those who want to spend time together to do that. Apart from helping nan directly, maybe looking after nan whilst your parents visit uncle would be appreciated?

Rachylou1981

Hi Shoediva

This could be my thread and I am tearful reading it.

My grandma lost a son to suicide about 11 years ago. Then just this year she has lost a daughter to cancer and we had one month to digest the news and then lose her (long story but she had been neglectful of her health and it was too late for treatment and this is not the case with everyone).

Assuming worst case scenario with a poor prognosis, I would advise that you and/or the family take her to see him no matter what it takes as she will want to spend as much time with him as possible, even in the later stages when they are not responsive. My grandma just wanted to hold her daughter's hand at the end

Also, do not exclude her from any information no matter how bad it is (unless she doesn't want to hear it). Sometimes keeping them in the dark because they are old and have their own health problems etc is infuriating to them as they feel powerless in the situation.

After my auntie's death, I got out all of my grandma's photos and went through them discussing when it was taken and the talking about stories which also involved remembering her son. She loved this and was able to talk with happiness rather than sadness.

Hope this helps.

RuthnJasper

downhillfast wrote: »

I'd say what you need to avoid doing is acting as though your uncle has died or has a death sentence looming.
Your gran is his mother and as such will probably be worried that she is unable to help him. I would be inclined to mention that you are going to go and see him and ask if she would like to go with you to cheer HIM up and see if HE needs anything. If she feels she is doing something for him then it will help her deal with what might be ahead.

Totally agree with this. When my mum was first diagnosed with the Big C, this was precisely her concern. The look in peoples' eyes. They don't mean to do it or to be unkind; they probably don't even realise they're doing it - but some people DO treat a cancer patient as though they are already all but dead and something to be pitied. A bit like when they might meet a couple where one person is in a wheelchair - they automatically turn to the standing person and say "Would she like a cup of tea? Is she allowed tea?" :think:

The advice offered in all the above posts is brilliant. I, too, think that your gran is lucky to have such a lovely granddaughter. All I would suggest is that you say to her exactly what you wrote in the original post on this thread, and let your gran's responses be your guide.

All the very, very best to you and your family. xx

DUKE

I'm really sorry to hear about your uncle shoe*diva79, just spend some good quality time with your nan, she'll appreciate you being there when it mattered. Also do join the Macmillan Community if you fancy a chat, they're a great bunch & are really supportive http://www.macmillan.org.uk/Home.aspx

shoe*diva79

Thank you to each and every one of you for your help, suggestions and kind words.

I spoke to my mum this morning and suggested a visit to my uncle but she said its already been suggested to nan who responded that she does not want to at the moment as she feels there isnt anything she can do for him right now.

So really its carry on as normal (whatever that is!) whilst we wait for further news in the next week or so.

My thoughts with those who have gone through, are going through or suffering this terrible disease themselves.

margaretclare

I think, realistically, that there is nothing that *you*, or for that matter, anyone else, can do to make this poor lady 'feel better'.

All you can do, really, is to make her aware that you are there for her. Whatever she wants. She may want to talk, or not talk. She may want company or to be alone. Just do your best to 'be there for her' and be flexible.

My very best wishes to all of you.

meritaten

shoe-diva - never ever assume the worst! I used to work for a cancer charity and we had client who had survived cancer, those suffering from it and 'recovered' clients. one client had had lung cancer 30 or so years back and lost one lung. she recovered, then had another form of cancer - recovered from that too! she was 80 when I knew her and was just recovering from breast cancer! she used to boast that cancer wouldn't get her - it had tried three times and failed!

I can only say that a positive attitude (while being realistic) is beneficial, not only to the patient but to the family. amongst almost ALL our recovered clients - they say it was down to the support and positivity of their families, along with medical and nursing support.
and the families DO need support! its not just the patient that is suffering (the charity I worked for offered support to family and friends too), their families/friends need advice and help too.
the charities name is cancercareline - here are their details - they offer a 24 hour helpline which is answered by a volunteer.

www.cancercareline.co.uk

don't be put off by the home page saying they offer support to people in the borough - they don't really care where you live - I have taken calls from overseas and all over the UK.

TBeckett100

Take the old girl away for a weekend. They love a change of scene. Say you know she has had a tough few years and you thought a change of scene may be good.

gettingtheresometime

I've often said that I wouldn't tell my mum about any health issue I had unless I knew the diagnosis, prognosis and treatment plan

if only so that I didn't have to worry about her worrying about the above - and its served me well over the last 12 years.

Your Uncle may be the same - he may know alot more than he's letting on but needs to get his head around it before he can spread the info.

Don't think that its a death sentence but just be there if your nan wants to shout at someone.

Better_Days

Try and keep a balance between realism and positivity.

Avoid saying 'do so and so and then you can concentrate on getting better' as this can imply that the person who is poorly has more control over their illness than they actually have. Also if they don't improve the implication is that they didn't try hard enough to get well.