How to make her feel better?

shoe*diva79

McKneff wrote: »

Im sorry about your news but you have not said how bad this cancer is. More people now recover from cancer nowadays than die from it.


I know so many people who have survived it, one or two who sadly haven't.


Bide your time and don't presume he has got terminal cancer.

Fair point. We dont know how bad yet. Despite having been in pain since August my uncle only went to the doctors 2 weeks ago. Had a chest xray and some other tests Friday last week and we found out on Tuesday this week.

He has to have another scan to see if its anywhere else in his body, if its secondary etc and then look at what treatment he can have.

The general feeling is he has left it so long from being in pain to seeing the doctor that it will be more advanced. I looked on NHS website and it said that 1 in 3 people with Lung cancer are still alive after 1 year

Im not afraid to admit I am scared and thinking the worst.

NewShadow

My ex-OH's gran was very poorly one year and they were all very scared for her.

I couldn't make them feel better, but I could make cups of tea.

Seriously though.

Be there to listen but don't force conversations.
If she wants to talk, ask what he was like as a child, how did he make her laugh, what did they do together.

If you can, cook her some meals and keep body and soul together.
Picking bit up from the supermarket if she needs them, ask if she wants to come shopping with you.

If you think she needs distracting, is there anything she can do for you to make her feel that she's done something good - I asked the ex-MIL to show me how she makes her welsh cakes... didn't take long, but she felt good doing something else, and then we ate tasty welsh cakes

If it is bad news, chances are it'll get worse before it gets better - Remember the most important thing - if you don't take time to look after yourself - you can't look after anyone else.

Best wishes for a successful treatment and let us know if we can support YOU.

growler834

Firstly - your nan is very lucky to have such a caring granddaughter & I'm sure she will be happy with anything you decide to do for her.

Secondly - if nan lives with your parents I suggest you sound them out regarding taking your nan to see her son. They may be able to give advice as to how nan might react & how to deal with it etc.

As already mentioned, a diagnosis of cancer doesn't always mean the worst. Until the results are in nothing can be predicted (been there myself & with my mum - I survived, she didn't). So I personally would try & keep things 'light' and 'open-minded' with nan (if she wants to talk about it) and with your uncle when you see him until those results are in. If the news turns out to be bad, just be there for nan - to talk if she wants to or to divert her mind for a while from the worry & hurt. All the best to you & your family for what lies ahead.

fivetide

I think your road trip idea is a good one although knowing what stage the illness is at will be important.


With that in mind, Christmas is coming up and might provide a nice opportunity for a family get together as people can forget about their other concerns at that time and just enjoy spending some time together.


I am sure that something like this will make the whole family focus on the importance of spending quality time together and it is a great excuse to do so. I wouldn't have though a Christmas do would be overwhelming either because it isn't like you are just doing something for the sake of it.


Good luck OP

downhillfast

I'd say what you need to avoid doing is acting as though your uncle has died or has a death sentence looming.
Your gran is his mother and as such will probably be worried that she is unable to help him. I would be inclined to mention that you are going to go and see him and ask if she would like to go with you to cheer HIM up and see if HE needs anything. If she feels she is doing something for him then it will help her deal with what might be ahead.

hazyjo

We lost my dad a couple of years ago when cancer finally spread to his brain - but he also had lung cancer and that was very much under control. He'd had an operation to remove some spots of it, and it was on the other lung, but they said he would have gone for years.


(It started off as bowel cancer 6 years before which was caught very late and much more damage had already been done and it had spread.)


As above, don't presume the worst, and don't let your nan think that either. Positive thoughts.


Jx

Gigervamp

I have cancer and my mum lives in London. As she's in frail health herself, she hasn't been able to visit me at all.

She's told me that she feels really bad and guilty for not being able to be there for me, so I agree that a visit would be a good idea.

It doesn't really matter what the prognosis is, she'll want to spend some time with your uncle even if he's cured.

I wish your family all the best.

trailingspouse

Sometimes you have to accept that you can't 'make it better'. Your gran will be upset, and rightly so. It's her own hell that she has to go through, and there's nothing, really, that you can do to make it go away.

You can, however, give her opportunity to talk if she wants - or to do something else if she wants. Be guided by what she wants.

And practical help is always good - does she need help getting to visit him, or someone to cook/shop while she visits?

When my son died I just wanted people to relate to me 'normally' - I didn't want the sober serious voice and the 'How are you coping?' conversation. When my OH was in hospital with cancer (he made a full recovery) I needed someone to make sure I was eating properly, and practical things like enough change for the car park and re-charging my mobile. My SIL turned up one day and changed my bed for me - didn't ask, just did it. That woman is an angel.

Errata

The most important thing you can give your gran is your time - it costs nothing and is priceless.

TBagpuss

HPoirot wrote: »

So sorry for your news.

I think that's a good idea, do start off gently by asking if she would like to go up to see him maybe?

Also consider whether he is up for visitors at present. He may need some time to come to terms with his diagnosis. I would suggest saying to him that you are willing to bring you nan up if he would like her to vist, before you suggest it to nan.

depending on his relationship with his mum, and how he is feeling, he may feel that he would be supporting and comforting her is she came, and he may or may not be in a position to do that right now.

That aside, letting her talk about him and her concerns if she wants to , and practical support when she needs it, are good.

Do remember that she may find it harder to talk to you than to someone closer to her own age - you may find that the best practical help is for you to help out you mum or dad with practical stuff like cooking, to free up your mum or your dad to talk with her. Of course you are an adult, but you're also your nan's grandchild, and she may still think of you, at some level, as a child who should be protected, rather than as an adult who can give support. That is not any criticism of you, (or her) but do think about how the various family relationships in your family work.