I am so angry and upset, but it's my fault.

HPoirot

Agree, the sister may already know. Plus, I can understand it is a burden for you to bear OP, but for now you can chalk it up to your BIL being the bad egg your family already knew he was; another facet revealed and nothing to change your general opinion of him. For now, you are in his home and need to concentrate on your sister, so you should mentally leave him to his own devices so to speak.

Jagraf

OK if this were me, I would totally ignore it.

1. You don't know the circumstances of their relationship
2. It's none of your business (meant nicely)
3. Your sister is poorly, and that is much more important
4. You could make matters worse
5. You are there as a sister, not to judge your sisters relationship.

Look after your sister as promised. Be nice to her husband, let the, get on with their own lives.

You are in the positn of "behind closed doors" and most relationships would surprises most other people if we knew the intricacies! X

belfastgirl23

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

Seriously?! I think that is an awful way to approach it. I can't believe that anyone who takes their wedding vows seriously would do such a thing. How can anyone even contemplate looking for a new partner while the current one is lying seriously ill in hospital? If my husband was seriously ill, I'd be beside myself, not lining up husband no:2.

Granted, who knows what problems are occurring in their marriage, and unfortunately affairs do happen. But to be even "looking" on a dating website just incase the worst should happen is a really horrible thing to do IMO....if that was the case of course.

OP, I'm with those that say gather as much evidence as possible. You then have it if you need to use it in the future. But now is not the time.

I hope your sister is on the road to recovery very soon. X

I agree, I really hope your sister recovers soon.

I do think that women and men approach these things differently. Men often have a more pragmatic 'what would I do' approach. I'm not advocating that if your partner is ill you should join a dating site. But at the same time I wouldn't want to judge the partner of someone who is seriously ill for doing so (I would feel a lot differently about them actually dating though!). My feeling is that until you walk in someone's shoes you can't really judge them. And having just watched a couple of close friends go through the death of a partner I know at times they have been totally irrational and they have done and said some pretty crazy and unpleasant things whilst under the terrible stress of losing someone they loved. Whilst I could see their behaviour was totally unacceptable in the normal frame of reference, boy did they deserve the benefit of the doubt.

I'm just saying this OP because you do really need to reframe this in your own mind so that you can set it aside....

Carmen

Thank you all for your kind words, comments and advice.

I have no intention of telling my sister, (I know she would believe me and he would not deny it) at the moment her health is at the top of my priority list. If I went to the trouble of 'gaining evidence' I would really feel deceitful. I have no intention of breaking up their marriage, I think that will come without my help.

A couple of years ago he left a !!!!!! site open on the computer and I'm not sure if he was trying to shock me or just forgot, I ignored it and never mentioned it (not my business)

My sister knows just enough about computers to hit the accept button on Skype.

To be honest he knows which side his bread is buttered and would not risk my sister giving him the push. He stands to gain a lot if (god forbid) my sister does not pull through. I just angers me that he could be looking for his next carer already.

I have to add I am talking of a 70+ year old man and 24 years of marriage. I know my sister was happy with him until the last 10yrs. She wanted to move with me but did not quite have the courage, now she would leave at the drop of a hat.

Thankfully I have a kind and loving family who understand that I need to stay with my sister until she and I are both happy that I can leave her to cope.

Sorry to prattle on.

Thanks again.

Carmen

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

I agree, I really hope your sister recovers soon.

I do think that women and men approach these things differently. Men often have a more pragmatic 'what would I do' approach. I'm not advocating that if your partner is ill you should join a dating site. But at the same time I wouldn't want to judge the partner of someone who is seriously ill for doing so (I would feel a lot differently about them actually dating though!). My feeling is that until you walk in someone's shoes you can't really judge them. And having just watched a couple of close friends go through the death of a partner I know at times they have been totally irrational and they have done and said some pretty crazy and unpleasant things whilst under the terrible stress of losing someone they loved. Whilst I could see their behaviour was totally unacceptable in the normal frame of reference, boy did they deserve the benefit of the doubt.

I'm just saying this OP because you do really need to reframe this in your own mind so that you can set it aside....

Thank you for your comments, but actually I can judge him because of his behavior toward my sister and a lot of their friends over the last 10 years especially.
I know he will be very upset if the unthinkable happens but I know that will only last until the attention is off him.

I must stop know before I get into the nitty gritty, as I always believed there are three sides to a story his, hers and the truth!

Thank you

dandelionclock30

If I was the sister I would want to know. I would tell my sister when she was well enough to cope with the news. If she going to die then I wouldnt bother as theres no point in upsetting people when they are very ill.

System

you will be damned if you do, damned if you don't. I would pretend you haven't seen it.

If the marriage its going to self combust it will without your help anyway.... but when it does. don't let on about your discovery because she will probably be mad at you for not telling her.

Georgiegirl256

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

I agree, I really hope your sister recovers soon.

I do think that women and men approach these things differently. Men often have a more pragmatic 'what would I do' approach. I'm not advocating that if your partner is ill you should join a dating site. But at the same time I wouldn't want to judge the partner of someone who is seriously ill for doing so (I would feel a lot differently about them actually dating though!). My feeling is that until you walk in someone's shoes you can't really judge them. And having just watched a couple of close friends go through the death of a partner I know at times they have been totally irrational and they have done and said some pretty crazy and unpleasant things whilst under the terrible stress of losing someone they loved. Whilst I could see their behaviour was totally unacceptable in the normal frame of reference, boy did they deserve the benefit of the doubt.
....

I've known and know people in that sort of situation, and I can't imagine any of them doing such a thing. I really can't get my head round it because I know if I was in that situation, I'd rather be with my DH than searching the internet for a possible replacement.

I can judge and I would judge. In my eyes it's totally unacceptable behaviour.

Anyhow, that most probably isn't the case here. By the sounds of it the BIL is not a very doting husband and hasn't been for a long time.

farmeress

I went through something similar a couple of years ago with my SIL and her DH.
This was her second marriage, and had been together over 10 years.
SIL was diagnosed with terminal illness, and eventually was bedridden. One day I was keeping her company so her DH could run some errands, she was in bed and I was doing some work on the computer. When I fired the computer up, a document opened and when I read it, she had typed her own will. I closed it down, although I did see the contents.
A couple of weeks earlier My OH had received a phone call from SIL's husband upset that SIL had wanted to do a will, (at this time SIL and hubby hadn't told us she was terminal) and emphasised that we should keep her in a 'positive attitude', so OH spoke to his sister and told her 'not to worry about a will', 'she would get better' etc.
Well 2 months later SIL sadly passed away. We all rallied to support her grieving husband and children. 2 after SIL's funeral, her husband flew to a foreign country and purchased a property... none of our business we thought. 2 weeks after she passed away he rang to ask my OH's permission to take a young lady out (20 years younger so it turned out), OH expressed that he felt it was a bit soon, but he would not cause any problems. Well
SIL's children phoned one day asking if we knew if their mum had a will... OH told them about his conversation with her husband and didnt think she had made a will.. they explained about policies their mum had told them about whilst ill, and they were to inherit a fair amount from them...well at this point in time, I, rightly or wrongly decided to tell my OH about the will I had seen on the computer a couple of months earlier.... after a lot of thought we decided to tell SIL's children..
They managed to access the computer, found the will, which SIL stated every thing she owned was to be split between her children.
Whilst using the computer they also found 'saucy' photos which had been sent to SIL's husband from the 'young lady' 2 months before their mum passed. It turns out SIL knew what was going on, but hadnt confided in anyone... so sad she had to endure this through her last days.
Sorry for the long post, but in hindsight I would have firstly made sure I helped her with her will....and in your position I would download evidence...I hope your sister will recover fully, then maybe you can give her a good reason to leave and be with you!

lazer

The dating profile could be nothing. Some cashback sites over cashback for signing up to some dating sites - so this could be a reason for the profile.