Competitive Mums

macca1974

this used to irritate me when my eldest (now 11) was v.small as she was a lazy !!!!!! and didn't start walking until she was 18 months or so. She's now super active and doing pretty well at school. My youngest is almost 3 and because she had a big sister was inspired to be like a big girl and did things much more quickly.

I also always used to think that I'd never been asked at an interview "how old were you when you first spoke / were toilet trained" so if the kids develop in their own time it doesn't really matter. I'd also suggest that life goes on for quite a long time, so there isn't much point peaking at 3 months!

Money_maker

You get it on here too (none of the above replies, though). Particularly the regular poster who bragged her child was potty trained at a ridiculously young age. Good grief!

lostinrates

I'm not a mother, but love friends children. My most recent 'borrowed kid' I've been borrowing since he was six months old and he just started school this year. Honestly, I was a bit worried when he was so late talking, ( though kept my opinion to my self) he clearly understood things said to him but was not fussed about trying him self. Then, one day, very late, he started speaking missing out the cute baby talk bit and going mostly into complete phrases and sentences. So..he was just waiting till he had a full grasp of how language worked I think. He wouldn't talk outside his near circle of people until he was pretty much perfect at speaking. He's quite a fastidious person.

People are just different. I am at awe at his patience, my niece were both far to keen to be heard to wait at all and were yabbering away Imperfectly early.

I understand my sibling and I both met all targets early....but you know, its nothing I ask friends, have asked people on dates, nor have ever been asked at interview. Nor does it mean anything for health or future sadly.

TBagpuss

it is difficult, but I think as others have said, the thing is not to get drawn in.

If she boasts about her child, say something mildly positive and move on. if she asks about your son, then a few things you can try:
- If it's in the way of "My daughter has just started to walk, is your son walking yet?" then the reply can be "Not yet - isn't it amazing what a difference a month makes at this age. I'm hoping he isn't too quick to start - it'll be so much harder to keep up with him when he's mobile" which sends the message that you are not concerned, not interested in competing, and don't see whatever it is as necessarily being a big deal.

If it is more "your son is 3 months- when my daughter was 3 months she was already talking. Isn't your son doing that yet?" then it can be "Yes, he's just turned three months. My health visitor is really pleased with his progress, he's meeting all his milestones and he's always such a cheerful baby" (or whatever - you are not actually answering the specific question, you're just sending out a 'he's doing fine and I'm not worried' message)

think of it as a tug of war. You do;t want to play tug of war, so you don;t pick up the rope. Then it doesn't matter how hard she pulls, she's just going to fall over backwards!

If she starts, you change the subject.

I agree with those saying she is probably insecure, so giving her some praise for her baby, rather than getting drawn into comparing them, might well be enough.

(If you feel you can pull it off, you an also joke about it - for instance, if she suggests that your son is developing slowly, then you can always say something like "well, if he is a little behind I'll take it as a good sign - did you know Einstein didn't speak until he was 4" or "no, but the cleverest people are often slow developers, so I'm not worried" (the thing about Einstein may well be an urban myth, but that isn;t important- what you'd be doing is sending a message, in a non confrontational way, that you are not bothered and not interested in playing at one upmanship.

Birdie85

A month is a big gap at this age so I wouldn't worry. Babies do everything at their own pace and it's nothing to brag about as there's so little you can actually do to make them reach these milsetones quicker so there's nothing brag-worthy in their development IYKWIM! My DS is 8 months and has been crawling for well over a month (not bragging, just stating fact! ) whilst his friends born in the same week aren't anywhere near as mobile as he is. I know that I don't have some magic mum skills so it's nothing to do with me (my nephew was the same so it's just genetics I guess) and I don't see the point in bragging. He laughed later than his friends. He started on solids later than they did. He rolled later than one of them. What does it matter, really?

If this woman can't just be happy that she has a happy, healthy child without comparing them to others then that says a lot about her and I'd pity her as she's clearly insecure and needs constant reassurance that's she's doing it 'right'. Next time she brags just say 'Ooooh how lovely. I'm looking forward to that' and move on. Don't worry about it and try to avoid her. Blimey, if she's already competetive at 3 months, she'll be a nightmare by school-age!

barbiedoll

You get this everywhere when you're a parent. One of my closest friends was the worst, she would call me up every single time the school reports came out and she'd spend half an hour bragging about how well her son did (to be fair, he is a hard worker and does well at school) then she'd finally ask me how my son did. I didn't feel that comfortable discussing my son's school performance on the phone with someone who isn't family, so I always said, "Yes, we were very happy with his report" (which was true). Mind you, she asked me how much my engagement ring cost (on the day that I got engaged!) so I think that she simply doesn't have any idea of what is socially acceptable when it comes to these sort of things!

When I used to talk to competitive mums at playgroups etc, they would go on about how their little darling was speaking several languages, painting masterpieces and not only using the toilet but cleaning it afterwards etc etc etc, I'd just shrug and say "Oh no, mine doesn't do anything like that, he's a real thicko"...they'd be so horrified, they'd just shut up immediately!

Counting_Pennies_2

She sounds insecure to me too. She might also be waffling on in order to make conversation.


Maybe try talking to her and turning the conversation to other things. Are you on Maternity Leave for long? What job do you have? Do you have family nearby. Anything just to take the attention off the babies. Sometimes people lose themselves into their offspring that they forget to look at the wider world.


Sadly though, I am afraid to say the competitiveness does not go away it just mutates into different forms. The 11+ results have just been announced locally, the lions den of the playground bites. Avoiding the question of your child's score is hard work

Starrystarrynight

This woman sounds very insecure. She's probably making it all up!

bylromarha

I remember one particular mum at a toddler group I went to years back.

She ALWAYS had to have the most advanced child - I used to deal with her in the Monty Python style above, but she just didn't get the hint.

One time she was telling her birth story about how short it was at 3 hours, and how dramatic it was as they'd only just got to the hospital half an hour before baby was born.

Everyone looked at me, and one of the group announced proudly "that's nothing...have you heard how little Byl was born?" I then had to give the story of how DD was born in the car on the way to the hospital. I caught her as OH drove.

Braggy woman looked at me, took a breath and "That's nothing, my sister..."

Just ended up tuning her out ever time she spoke. Don't understand why people feel they have to be this way.

Luella-14_2

It's because of this that I stopped going to baby groups.
I was just pleased that I'd managed to get the babies out of the house by 9am, I didn't really feel up to comparing their sleeping patterns and ability to roll around. Tbh, those conversations really bore me, I'd much rather have had non-baby related chats.