End of marriage, practical steps

SquirrelSmall

Ampersand, your intuition is good. I am well-connected in the legal space and indeed one of my calls today has already given me pointers of who to represent me. That said, I've still to pick up the phone.

If you can take the rent on solo, are there Clauses which forbid flat-share?
I accept that in your current situ, you may prefer to be alone for a bit. However, you'd have control over any prospective co-tenant, perhaps a Mon>Fri academic, or similar?

I believe the tenancy agreement does exclude flatshare, however, I am in a peculiar position of being (through a circuitous route) personal friends with an employee of the company that owns the flat. So there is possibly room for a little latitude, on the basis of personal goodwill. But I can't bank on that. Equally, having the spare room (STBExOH's office) available for friends to stay has huge benefits itself.

In the past 72 hours, I've had friends from all angles being rocks to me, despite lack of contact on either side for years in some instances. I'm feeling (feelings, terrible things, curse of the human race) a bit more centred and with sight of a way forward. Doors open, and one I never expected opened today, which could open my career in a way I just would never have imagined. So it isn't all doom and gloom, just practical matters to be dealt with as pragmatically as possible.

SquirrelSmall

So, having now reset my password (my ordinarily well ordered brain doesn't seem to be able to cope with yet another password) I'm back.

My brief update is as follows:
I am in contact with a family law solicitor, who did an admirable job for my brother in his infinitely-more-complicated situation some 18 months ago.
I have plans to be away to see friends and for work when STBExOH is next over, for the majority of the time. However, crucially, not for my birthday
I've been advised not to send the rationally written email telling him I want to take the tenancy over - apparently, this would be more appropriate coming from a lawyer.
I am being chased by email and text from STBExOH as to "how I am" which I am ignoring. My one qualm here is whether by failing to respond, I am inadvertently drawing friends in (or worse yet, drama-queen mode, whether I have the flat door knocked in by police who think I'm dead, and I'm clearly not) because of my lack of communication.

I want him out. I will be civilised. I won't pillage his cash. But I want out.

ampersand

All well done thus far, SS.

May I make a reinforcing plea?
NO emailing.
All letters 'official'.

'I've been advised not to send the rationally written email telling him I want to take the tenancy over - apparently, this would be more appropriate coming from a lawyer.'
-absolutely correct, as is all such communication from now on.

'I am being chased by email and text ......... which I am ignoring.' - also correct.

You will know which friends merit that status and, from them, which friends know about this change in both your lives, and to what degree, and when.

Police will not break down your door save in extremis, which could be your failure to answer the door and reassure them, were they to be propelled to this by OH pressure.

Make no mistake, I do not underestimate the power and sway of a certain type of well-moneyed, Establishment-glossed male persona, albeit cloaking control and management of SS as 'concern'.

'I want him out' and 'I want out' - just remember at all times that the first applies to your flat, the second applies to your marriage. Those are your goals. All else is flimflam and distraction is a known technique. Your brother's recent experience is fresh enough to keep you on the qui vive and you will stay civilised.
:bdaycake: - in advance:)

duchy

I wouldn't see any harm in a very brief text.... Fine and busy.
If he replies with trying to start a conversation those are the ones to ignore.

Keeping things civil (doesn't mean friendly just accord the level of civility you would a stranger) can save thousands in legal fees. It may also stop him trying to draw mutual friends into the situation because he is "concerned about you"

SquirrelSmall

Last night I received an email telling me that he has added extra funds to the joint account, over and above the usual amount we both put in, as he is keen that no rental payments are missed. I responded (sorry, but I did) to say "No rental payments will be missed" - nothing more. He then responded that he has done this as he doesn't know what my plans are.

I'm feeling very confused and wobbly as part of me just wants to getting on with the relatively straightforward (I hope) process of transferring the tenancy into my name.

Given that he's so rarely in the UK and that I live and work from the flat, is there any way he can force me out of the flat? Whilst I can afford the rent on my own, I can't afford to get a place on my own and pay half the rent on this place on top...

Pollycat

SquirrelSmall wrote: »

In brief, my husband and I mutually agreed to separate.
I don't want to fight it (I instigated the conversation) and believe that it is for the best, for both of us.

How sure are you that the decision is mutual?

From these extracts of your posts, could he be trying to save the relationship?

SquirrelSmall wrote: »

I am being chased by email and text from STBExOH as to "how I am" which I am ignoring.

SquirrelSmall wrote: »

Last night I received an email telling me that he has added extra funds to the joint account, over and above the usual amount we both put in, as he is keen that no rental payments are missed. I responded (sorry, but I did) to say "No rental payments will be missed" - nothing more. He then responded that he has done this as he doesn't know what my plans are.

I'm feeling very confused and wobbly as part of me just wants to getting on with the relatively straightforward (I hope) process of transferring the tenancy into my name.

SquirrelSmall

To address Pollycat. Whether it is right or wrong, I had a brief conversation with him today. He is not attempting reconciliation - "I have too many other things on my plate to think about trying to work things out with you". He also said that he cannot practically remove his possessions from the flat before Xmas (which, knowing his schedule and his challenges vis-a-vis mother, kids, work etc) I can kind of understand. So. Stalemate. I'm seeing the lawyer on monday.

I feel cold. But also starting to see closure.

SquirrelSmall

I spoke to the Samaritans this evening. Doesn;'t make it any better or any worse, I guess. But I am struggling.

ampersand

SS - it's time to put the kettle on for hwb[than which no greater comfort at such times], sort out a good book[maybe even an old fave, not a kindle], hot milky drink or similar[+tot of Little Brown Bird if you fancy], good choc. hit, The Wireless....

re: 'He also said that he cannot practically remove his possessions from the flat before Xmas ' - storage facilities exist for this purpose and I infer funding is not an insurmountable problem for OH. A brief para in letter arising from your Monday appt can offer this sensible arrangement, or delivery to an address OH elects + end date.

You now start to re-populate your soul and your space in large ways and lesser ones.

Of course you will be tripped from time to time, as right now, when you least expect it,when you have been forward-propelled in determined action mode, buoyed by imperative and resolve. It is no more than normal re-grouping, especially at day's end - another reason why big decisions, or irrevocable ones, are best taken in the clear light of day after adequate rest.

You have arrived at the end of an intense week, this time due to more than the high octane pressures of your work.

Tomorrow, set at least one indoor hyacinth over water on a window-ledge or sill. You'll watch it grow. It will bloom for Christmas and fill your flat with scent every time you come home.

Thinking about flat-share seriously, financially, practically, is something to sound out with trusted friends or colleagues - and not too many. Again I suggest the Mon>Fri professional/academic/post-grad,/Ph.D student catchment pool.

You may have nothing to hand at this very second, but now is the time to apply concentration to entirely unrelated activity. If you've never crocheted or knitted - decide to master one of these skills. We'll all help you up your first length of scarf:-) - and think, a year from now, how and where you and it might be.

R4x and 5live through the night are the right sort of soporific.

Tonight's a bump - it hasn't been the first, won't be the last, but recognising this delivers its own coping mechanism, however limpingly at first. Doesn't matter how - even keep playing a particular game of patience until you get it out, tray on knees in bed.

No social networking. Your mind and body need the repair and sense of proportion that sleep will bring when it is good and ready. Just give it every chance - screens and images run counter to this[Tavistock and Addenbrookes studies have all the research on this, abundant, current and cohesive.] If you end up reading the night through, fine. You'll doze.

Finally [Green Gables cynics, blench now] there's worse than closing with Anne: 'Isn't it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it?'

SS, is that kettle boiling yet? Off you go...nighty-night and gentle dreams..

Pollycat

SquirrelSmall wrote: »

To address Pollycat. Whether it is right or wrong, I had a brief conversation with him today. He is not attempting reconciliation - "I have too many other things on my plate to think about trying to work things out with you". He also said that he cannot practically remove his possessions from the flat before Xmas (which, knowing his schedule and his challenges vis-a-vis mother, kids, work etc) I can kind of understand. So. Stalemate. I'm seeing the lawyer on monday.

I feel cold. But also starting to see closure.

That's fine, then.
It was just something that occurred to me reading through the posts I quoted.

Good luck with the solicitor.

You sound a very clued-up lady anyway but I would make a note of all the important questions you need answers to before you go.