End of marriage, practical steps

SquirrelSmall

I'm a long time lurker, but the events of Saturday mean that I've finally taken the decision to come out of the shadows.
In brief, my husband and I mutually agreed to separate. We've been married just over 3 years, together for about 4 1/2 years. When we got together it was a whirlwind, and he left his wife of 23 years to be with me. I also left my ex of 15 years. So, a high stakes game to begin with.

The relationship has been strained for months; there are added complications in that his mother is terminally ill, his son has depression and his daughter is reluctant at best to see me (and him). I've been told I'm a "rubbish wife" and that's about the limit of communication. Certainly, that was how the conversation ended on Saturday. I don't want to fight it (I instigated the conversation) and believe that it is for the best, for both of us.

He works away in another time zone constantly, and flew out again yesterday, not returning until Halloween; no communication from him since then. We rent a flat, with a 12 month rolling contract that doesn't expire until next summer. Fortunately, we both earn well so cash isn't a particular issue.

I need to be away whenever he's back (his stipulation) so his work isn't interrupted. However, I work from home so will need to disappear for the 5-7 days at a time that he's back.

How do we move forward? My friends (some of them are mutual, but he doesn't see them/speak to them as much as I do) are being legendary in supporting me and checking in on me. I am comfortable initiating the legal piece, however, have no desire to have him pay me maintenance. Is that avoidable? I remember from his divorce from his first wife the angst that money causes and really don't need the aggro or the cash.

Are there ways of breaking a 12 month rental contract? Or would even trying to do so antagonise him further.

And, with my very first post, I shall also apologise for being lame, needy and selfish. I just recognise that the collective wisdom and experience of MSE may have other approaches that my lovely friends and I haven't yet spotted.

So wade in. What have I overlooked, and am I an utter idiot?

Pollycat

SquirrelSmall wrote: »

however, have no desire to have him pay me maintenance. Is that avoidable? I remember from his divorce from his first wife the angst that money causes and really don't need the aggro or the cash.

Of course he doesn't have to pay you maintenance.

In fact, spousal maintenance is not the 'norm' nowadays AFAIK.

A friend of mine whose husband left her with 2 small children and a 10 hour a week job earning minimum wage was told by her solicitor that she wouldn't get spousal maintenance so - as you 'earn well', I can't see it being an issue, especially as you don't want it in the first place.

SquirrelSmall wrote: »

In brief, my husband and I mutually agreed to separate. We've been married just over 3 years, together for about 4 1/2 years. When we got together it was a whirlwind, and he left his wife of 23 years to be with me. I also left my ex of 15 years. So, a high stakes game to begin with.
I remember from his divorce from his first wife the angst that money causes and really don't need the aggro or the cash.

What a sad situation less than 5 years on.

TBH, there's no wonder his first wife caused some angst over money if her husband of 23 years left her for another woman.

Personally, I'd be off like a shot to get proper legal advice.

kazwookie

gGet some legal advice

Look at your retal contract what does it say about giving notice, also whos name is it in.

Personally if I worked from home, I would not put up with being told I had to be away for 5 days at a time when your soon to be ex comes home.

How many bedrooms does the property have? it is possible for you to be in one and work and he the other?

I would also tart to look at where locally you could rent etc.

blueneleh

Hiya,
I agree with the above posts - getting legal advice is your best way forward then you know exactly where you stand.

If you are able to get out of the rental contract early I'd say that would be the best bet - how dare he tell you to leave the flat you both rent for 5-7 days so it doesn't affect his work!! What about your work??

If it's definitely over (and you don't think couple counselling would help) I'd also say to start looking at divorce proceedings ASAP to make things more clear cut. You can do this yourself fairly easily.

Wishing you the best.

Gigervamp

Have a look at your tenancy agreement to see if it has a break clause. If not, and you both want to end the tenancy early, you'll probably have to pay fees for finding another tenant and pay the rent until a new tenant is found.

As for your husband demanding that you leave the home whilst he is back, stuff that! You have as much right to be there as he does.

Morglin

See a solicitor.....do not cut corners, see a solicitor.

Only way.

Lin

SquirrelSmall

Thank you to all who've taken the time to reply; it is very much appreciated.

The tenancy has no break clause, so per Gigervamp, we'd need to source new tenants/pay fees/stay until it times out. Which has led me to play with numbers and realise that I can afford to pay the rent on my own. And that, in its own right, makes me realise that you people are right. He has no right to push me around and make me disappear of to friends/wherever when he's back in town. He has mates of his own to stay with and it would be simpler and cleaner to get him out asap.

I'm definitely going to take legal advice this week. Slightly manic work schedule but it is a huge priority to fit that in. Thank god for living a fairly frugal existence and having a substantial cushion of cash for the first time ever. It might have been intended for my early retirement, but that ain't going to happen now.

RAS

Do you have any joint bank or savings accounts?

Do either of you have second cards for accounts?

Note legally if he is on the tenancy agreement you cannot stop him entering the flat/house if he wishes.

You may well be advised to collect together all legal and financial papers that are important and get them somewhere safe.

Not least as the basic for a divorce settlement would be a 50:50 split in assets including both pensions and all savings. SO you need to know what the total comes too.

Blackpool_Saver

SquirrelSmall wrote: »

I need to be away whenever he's back (his stipulation) so his work isn't interrupted. However, I work from home so will need to disappear for the 5-7 days at a time that he's back.

Well that shouldn't be happening for a start, let him rent a room, damned cheek of him :eek:

SquirrelSmall

He is on the tenancy agreement, but I will be speaking to the managing agents to take him off (he'll need to sign that, but the wheels need to start turning).

As regards joint accounts - we have one for bills etc. It isn't a slush fund by any stretch of the imagination.

Regarding splitting assets, I know that he has a very substantial amount in savings and still a sizeable pension pot (wife 1 got an awful lot). I'm not intending to be malicious or grasping, I'm always more comfortable being self-sufficient (brought up on benefits and I know the value of money) than owing others. My paperwork is beside me on the dining room table and will shortly be moving to a friend's flat for safekeeping.

The penny has really dropped that I'm here nearly all the time, he's here for about 3 days every 3 weeks. Therefore, I'm going to take the high ground, moral or otherwise, and suggest that he might wish to grow a pair and stop messing me around for once.

ampersand

op -

Just want to wish you well. re:

'And, with my very first post, I shall also apologise for being lame, needy and selfish.'

You have not been so, so 'thought dismissed' :-).
Please especially note each and every one of RAS's points,#8 and go with Morglin's #6.

Amicable or no, it is the wise, the only, way to do things, regardless of any subsequent posters who may relate otherwise. It is clean slate time and you both need this.

If you can take the rent on solo, are there Clauses which forbid flat-share?
I accept that in your current situ, you may prefer to be alone for a bit. However, you'd have control over any prospective co-tenant, perhaps a Mon>Fri academic, or similar?

I suspect several posters here cannot help but think of another Thread where a decent person is being wrung out in a nightmare scenario, purposefully prolonged.

Regardless of starting attitudes and mutual assurances of remaining 'civilised', things can turn - and fast - all the more so when solicitors, the only guaranteed earners from any such situ, are involved. I intuit you are more than wise to this and may move in circles where good current legal advice and current names are on tap.

As others have said, don't move from what is also your workplace. Agenda setting and obeisance are not among his present diktats: they also appear unlikely in the long term..

You will know this last bit of Bossy:-), but it's easy to let an occasional missed bit of caring-for-self become too frequent. You'll need all your resources for this. Past experience is not this current one.