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Advice: ending a relationship
man-on-a-mission
Posts: 8 Forumite
Hi there, i need some advice, and felt this forum would give me a better response than most as both i and my partner have debt issues.
This goes on a bit, so sorry....
I have been in a relationship with my partner for around 15 years, we have moved around the country together working (in different jobs) in each place we moved to.
I have always worked full time, not great money, but it was regular and we never had debt.
She started her own buisness around 10 years ago, her buisness isnt like a shop where money trickles in every day, she gets "a job" and earns maybe £500 for that job, and most of the job involves her sitting at a computer at home designing stuff, so she could go months without "work".
Anyway, she was working full time and doing the occasional job for her buisness for some extra money, then she was let go from her full time employer for having a "bad attitude", she got a part time job, which she did ok, it was a struggle financially as we had a good bit less money left every month, and her buisness wasnt bringing in much, she started getting stressed.
I got a credit card as a backup, just so it was there if we needed it as sometimes we would struggle.
Eventually we decided that where we were living at that time was too rural an area for her buisness to be viable, also we were both far from our family, so we moved to her hometown, so she had her family around and i was nearer my family.
She travelled there as she had a job, i was to come up a month later once i had god packing aranged, but she was working silly hours, canvasing door to door, company to company, i think she did almost 80 her first week, but it turns out she wasnt getting paid as this was their recruitment process, she was self employed and her boss jumped in at the last minute and stole her sales, i looked it up later and apparently its a scam, and the company has changed names a few times, anyway.
This was around christmas time and she wanted to be with me for christmas, and bokked a flight, but she was exhausted with all the hours and missed the flight, she then got a taxi costing £400 to where i was, but only got halfway there, and suffered a mental breakdown in the taxi, she had to be taken to the police station halfway up the UK and held in a cell as she had accused the taxi driver of something in a service station.
I then drove over night christmas eve.christmas day up to collect her, and we spent all christmas with her in bed trying to sleep, with no TV as it scared her.
She was rarely getting sleep, just nodding off here and there, i just tried to keep the peace and be calm, so sat in silence all christmas week, after a while she felt better, but couldnt go out alone.
But we finnished packing , and when she seemed well enoughm i decided we should book a holiday to de stress, then when we got back we would be in a new place at home with her family around.
Anyway, the holiday was good, and she seemed ok, so we get to our new home, i start work, she gets a part time job and starts trying to get her buisness established.
Her job lasts 6 weeks and she is let go as they dont like her attitude, im now thinking her losing her job at the previous place is related to her mental health and i just hadnt noticed.
She is now becoming more eratic, spending longer and longer in bed, then sitting at her computer doing things, rarely getting out the house.
She then starts refusing to do lots of jobs and says whe wants to do her buisness full time, she gets a few jobs over the coming months, but no where near enough to split the bills.
Cut to now, 4 years later....
Over the last 4 years i have moved up pay grades, i do a very stressful job with long hours just so we can stay afloat, i hate the job, but feel trapped.
she is still in the same position, at home all the time, sleeping in until 5pm sometimes, and i wotk 60 hours per week.
She has no developed a snobbish attitute to people she thinks are beneath her, people wotking in certain jobs she looks down on, this causes so many arguments and its the same sector i work in, and i and my friends are this people she is talking about, i now realise she has mental health issues, and that is affecting her judgment, but it still angers me that she looks down on them for doing a job, when she is sat on her !!!!.
she has i'd say an average of 3 jobs per year, so has next to no income, we both now have around £15k of debt which we ar both doing a DRO for.
In the last 4 years she has had 4 breakdowns, and has now been diagnosed a bi polar, hse was sectioned during one of her breakdowns a year or so ago.
She really cant handle any stress, and lack of sleep or stress "sets her off"
she does still do the occasional job, but its peanuts compared to the debt we are in.
On a personal level, we dont really have a relationship anymore, i love her, and cant think about not being with her, but i dont love her in the same way i did before all of this, we havnt had sex in 4 maybe 5 years, we are effectivly friends living together, but im paying all the bills, and giving her half of all the money i have left after bills.
I love her, i really do, but i cant go on like this any more, i work 60 hours a week, am overweight, stressed and up to my neck in debt, with no end in sight.
I have family getting married, funerals etc, which i cant attend as i have no money, i feel like im letting life go by while i keep my head down and struggle on.
I know myself i should have done this long ago, but as my housing contract up january, i was thinking i should move to a room, and start paying off some of my debt.
But, im worried sick at what this will do to my partner, she has as much debt as me, she wont have a house, and no job, i think it will break her me leaving, but i cant handle this situation any longer.
I know this is long winded, and a bit of a rant, but any advice is welcome, thanks.
This goes on a bit, so sorry....
I have been in a relationship with my partner for around 15 years, we have moved around the country together working (in different jobs) in each place we moved to.
I have always worked full time, not great money, but it was regular and we never had debt.
She started her own buisness around 10 years ago, her buisness isnt like a shop where money trickles in every day, she gets "a job" and earns maybe £500 for that job, and most of the job involves her sitting at a computer at home designing stuff, so she could go months without "work".
Anyway, she was working full time and doing the occasional job for her buisness for some extra money, then she was let go from her full time employer for having a "bad attitude", she got a part time job, which she did ok, it was a struggle financially as we had a good bit less money left every month, and her buisness wasnt bringing in much, she started getting stressed.
I got a credit card as a backup, just so it was there if we needed it as sometimes we would struggle.
Eventually we decided that where we were living at that time was too rural an area for her buisness to be viable, also we were both far from our family, so we moved to her hometown, so she had her family around and i was nearer my family.
She travelled there as she had a job, i was to come up a month later once i had god packing aranged, but she was working silly hours, canvasing door to door, company to company, i think she did almost 80 her first week, but it turns out she wasnt getting paid as this was their recruitment process, she was self employed and her boss jumped in at the last minute and stole her sales, i looked it up later and apparently its a scam, and the company has changed names a few times, anyway.
This was around christmas time and she wanted to be with me for christmas, and bokked a flight, but she was exhausted with all the hours and missed the flight, she then got a taxi costing £400 to where i was, but only got halfway there, and suffered a mental breakdown in the taxi, she had to be taken to the police station halfway up the UK and held in a cell as she had accused the taxi driver of something in a service station.
I then drove over night christmas eve.christmas day up to collect her, and we spent all christmas with her in bed trying to sleep, with no TV as it scared her.
She was rarely getting sleep, just nodding off here and there, i just tried to keep the peace and be calm, so sat in silence all christmas week, after a while she felt better, but couldnt go out alone.
But we finnished packing , and when she seemed well enoughm i decided we should book a holiday to de stress, then when we got back we would be in a new place at home with her family around.
Anyway, the holiday was good, and she seemed ok, so we get to our new home, i start work, she gets a part time job and starts trying to get her buisness established.
Her job lasts 6 weeks and she is let go as they dont like her attitude, im now thinking her losing her job at the previous place is related to her mental health and i just hadnt noticed.
She is now becoming more eratic, spending longer and longer in bed, then sitting at her computer doing things, rarely getting out the house.
She then starts refusing to do lots of jobs and says whe wants to do her buisness full time, she gets a few jobs over the coming months, but no where near enough to split the bills.
Cut to now, 4 years later....
Over the last 4 years i have moved up pay grades, i do a very stressful job with long hours just so we can stay afloat, i hate the job, but feel trapped.
she is still in the same position, at home all the time, sleeping in until 5pm sometimes, and i wotk 60 hours per week.
She has no developed a snobbish attitute to people she thinks are beneath her, people wotking in certain jobs she looks down on, this causes so many arguments and its the same sector i work in, and i and my friends are this people she is talking about, i now realise she has mental health issues, and that is affecting her judgment, but it still angers me that she looks down on them for doing a job, when she is sat on her !!!!.
she has i'd say an average of 3 jobs per year, so has next to no income, we both now have around £15k of debt which we ar both doing a DRO for.
In the last 4 years she has had 4 breakdowns, and has now been diagnosed a bi polar, hse was sectioned during one of her breakdowns a year or so ago.
She really cant handle any stress, and lack of sleep or stress "sets her off"
she does still do the occasional job, but its peanuts compared to the debt we are in.
On a personal level, we dont really have a relationship anymore, i love her, and cant think about not being with her, but i dont love her in the same way i did before all of this, we havnt had sex in 4 maybe 5 years, we are effectivly friends living together, but im paying all the bills, and giving her half of all the money i have left after bills.
I love her, i really do, but i cant go on like this any more, i work 60 hours a week, am overweight, stressed and up to my neck in debt, with no end in sight.
I have family getting married, funerals etc, which i cant attend as i have no money, i feel like im letting life go by while i keep my head down and struggle on.
I know myself i should have done this long ago, but as my housing contract up january, i was thinking i should move to a room, and start paying off some of my debt.
But, im worried sick at what this will do to my partner, she has as much debt as me, she wont have a house, and no job, i think it will break her me leaving, but i cant handle this situation any longer.
I know this is long winded, and a bit of a rant, but any advice is welcome, thanks.
0
Comments
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How do you get on with her family? Can you say to them that you can['t cope at the moment and ask for their help? (I don't mean financially, I just mean a problem shared is a problem halved...):heartsmil When you find people who not only tolerate your quirks but celebrate them with glad cries of "Me too!" be sure to cherish them. Because these weirdos are your true family.0
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is she getting any help for her bi polar?The only people I have to answer to are my beautiful babies aged 8 and 50
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What care is she receiving for her bi-polar? Has it been diagnosed? Bi-polar is a condition that is extremely difficult to deal with, both for the sufferer and the people close to them. It is utterly exhausting and I can understand that you've reached the point you feel you can't do it any longer.
However, bi-polar can be managed medically. It can take quite some time though, trying and testing the best medication, dosage, and then managing stress and the rest around it, counselling etc...
All I can say is that a close friend of mine suffers from bi-polar. I met her when she was ok and she was a fanatastic friend. Then the illness hit her and she became an absolute nightmare, unpleasant person. She was aggressive, angry, challenging, lazy, etc.... but I knew deep inside, my lovely friend was still there. She suffered a lot, attempted suicide a few times, and then finally, she was put on a different drug and oh my God the change it made in her. She just returned to be who she really is. She met a lovely supportive man, got married and even decided to try for children (scary as needed to come off the drugs), but she did it with counselling and the support of her psychiatrist and even as a mum of two young ones in her mid-forties, she is doing fantastic. I am so proud of her.
It is so hard to decide what is best to do in your situation. Probably no right or wrong way to go about it but I wish you good luck.0 -
Hi there, thanks for the replies.
i get on well with her family,but they are at the end of their tether with her, her sister has depression, and anxiety problems so stays away as they set each other off, her mother has anxiety problems, but wants to help her, but her father has his own issues, id say he has diagnosed bi polar, but drinks a lot to bring him down when hes up, but due to her refusal to take a job, he shouts at her and it sets her off and they argue constantly.
We are both in DRO through step change, but, we are still in the same financial position we were a year ago, paying £50 per month, but that wont make a dent.
As for her getting help, whe was prescribed with meds, but refused to take them, refused treatment, refused to be diagnosed, but after another breakdown 6 months ago, she is takign the meds, but at a lower dose that she should.0 -
It may sound harsh, but you have done your best, she won't take her meds, so I would think about tackling the practical (debt) issues, sorting out a repayment plan, and then walk away.
Let her family handle it.
You appear to have no joy, affection or happiness in your life, whatsoever, and although I, being disabled, am all for partner support, you can only help them that help themselves.
That's my advice, others may not agree.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
Lin
You can tell a lot about a woman by her hands..........for instance, if they are placed around your throat, she's probably slightly upset.
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Thanks for the help so far.0
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On the financial side, is she eligible for ESA or disability payments?But a banker, engaged at enormous expense,Had the whole of their cash in his care.
Lewis Carroll0 -
man-on-a-mission wrote: »As for her getting help, whe was prescribed with meds, but refused to take them, refused treatment, refused to be diagnosed, but after another breakdown 6 months ago, she is takign the meds, but at a lower dose that she should.
Sorry to hear you are having such a sad an rough time. May I ask, why is she taking a lower dose - is that her denial that she needs higher and going against the doctor's advice? or you disagree with what the doctor has prescribed?
I think the crunch question is do you think your relationship would significantly improve if the medication was correct? Is it salvageable if she started 'getting better' or have you simply had enough?0 -
bagpussbear wrote: »Sorry to hear you are having such a sad an rough time. May I ask, why is she taking a lower dose - is that her denial that she needs higher and going against the doctor's advice? or you disagree with what the doctor has prescribed?
I think the crunch question is do you think your relationship would significantly improve if the medication was correct? Is it salvageable if she started 'getting better' or have you simply had enough?
If we were a few years back then maybe, but the stress both financial and our lack or proper relationship for 4 years now has pretty much made me numb to it all.
All i can think now is im heading to 40 years old, im overweight, doing too many hours, with no life, with no way i can think of of this getting better, as nothing i do will improve our finances, and i dont think she is capable of improving her own.
I think the relationship has been damaged beyond repair now.
i dont want to seem heartless, but i need to be happy, an im simply not at the moment, but i do love her, so am now trying to decide wether i should just stay to give someone i love a chance of any kind of happiness, or just walk away and get myself happy again, the thing is i dont think i could leave knowing what it will do to her, she and i would be devastated.0
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