Advice: ending a relationship

man-on-a-mission

theoretica wrote: »

On the financial side, is she eligible for ESA or disability payments?

She claimed something for a month or 2, it might have been disabillity, and she was stressed the whole time as she had to keep going to the doctor, then she had to go to an ATOS assesment thing, she had to get a taxi there as the bus and journey stressed her, she had diarrhea for a week before and hardly slept, then had the assesment, and the result came back that she was perfectly fit, that was 2 years ago, she simply doesnt have the fight or mental health to deal with appeals and interviews now, she has all but given up.

Sh should have been on disabillity the whole time, but what can you do, ATOS know best.

thats one of the reasons we are in so much debt, we only have my income.

bagpussbear

man-on-a-mission wrote: »

i dont want to seem heartless, but i need to be happy, an im simply not at the moment, but i do love her, so am now trying to decide wether i should just stay to give someone i love a chance of any kind of happiness, or just walk away and get myself happy again, the thing is i dont think i could leave knowing what it will do to her, she and i would be devastated.

But you are doing that now, and it's not working. You are deeply unhappy. And it doesn't really sound like she is doing well either.

I do feel for you and I don't think you are heartless, but being realistic about how you can keep coping, and for the future.

If you don't feel that you can leave at the moment, then could you at least reduce your living expenses in order to reduce your hours eg. move to a smaller place, or rent if that would be cheaper?

But the benefit situation for her needs to be addressed. She HAS to claim. Perhaps you need to bring in her family more to help, and you need to seek more help from the mental health professionals.

Things need to change OP, otherwise you will drive yourself into an early grave.

pmlindyloo

man-on-a-mission wrote: »

Hi there, thanks for the replies.

i get on well with her family,but they are at the end of their tether with her, her sister has depression, and anxiety problems so stays away as they set each other off, her mother has anxiety problems, but wants to help her, but her father has his own issues, id say he has diagnosed bi polar, but drinks a lot to bring him down when hes up, but due to her refusal to take a job, he shouts at her and it sets her off and they argue constantly.

We are both in DRO through step change, but, we are still in the same financial position we were a year ago, paying £50 per month, but that wont make a dent.

As for her getting help, whe was prescribed with meds, but refused to take them, refused treatment, refused to be diagnosed, but after another breakdown 6 months ago, she is takign the meds, but at a lower dose that she should.

This is a really useful article.

http://www.helpguide.org/articles/bipolar-disorder/helping-a-loved-one-with-bipolar-disorder.htm

If you are in a DRO then that means that your debts will be written off. Did you mean this or did you mean a debt management plan since you mentioned £50 a month? You may need to speak to stepchange and look at a different solution if you are in a debt management plan.

Put your details into the benefits calculator on https://www.entitledto.co.uk and see if you are entitled to any help benefit wise. Your partner should certainly be claiming PIP. CAB would fill in the application for your partner.

If you are doing overtime and it is voluntary then, personally I would stop doing it. (put your details into the benefit calculator without the overtime)

It is essential that you look after yourself and you do not neglect your own emotional health as well as your physical health. That means that you need to exercise regularly, eat healthily and socialise.

From what you have said you are focussing on your partner at the expense of your own well being. You need to accept that she has an illness which is not going to get better but can be controlled.

The article gives useful information about how to approach this and how to get your partner to the doctor plus where to get support.

Your doctor may be willing to speak to you about your partner. Some will, some won't - worth asking.

I won't prattle on as most of what needs to be said is in the article.

In the end only you can decide whether you have reached the end.

After reading the article you may want to try out some of the ideas but if you decide that you cannot cope then you will have to walk away.

It is possible to live with someone with this disorder but it does take a strong sense of determination and character on their part.

If you can separate the issues and consider whether you could stick with the relationship if...................

you had no debt
you could manage financially
you didn't have to work such long hours
your partner would get some help from professionals

then you might be able to deal with them one at a time.

At the moment everything is wrong and you, in a way, can't sort the wood from the trees.

Please get some help from one of the support groups in the article.

lexington013

Hi, I'm sorry you are having such a tough time, it sounds very difficult. For what it's worth my circumstances were similar. To put it in perspective, I struggled on for another 6 months with a partner who had issues (don't want to go into too much detail, but similar, own business, mental health issues, alcohol dependency and mounting debt). As much as I loved and cared, for my own sanity and my families I left (with very little) and started again at the age of 40. I still see her occasionally though not to speak too.
My life is better, calmer, healthier. I hope whichever decision you come to that it works out.

meritaten

if she has been diagnosed as bi-polar, you really need to speak to her Mental Health Nurse or team. YOU cannot live the rest of your life as her carer if you have no longer have any feelings for her. and it WILL be the rest of your life hun. the pressure for you is enormous - I can see it is there now.
It sounds cold-hearted, but if you feel that you cant take any more - then for your OWN well-being you must end it.
many bi-polar people manage perfectly well on their own - they aren't that different from the rest of us! you cannot sacrifice yourself because you are afraid of how someone else will cope. but I would suggest you get help and advice from THIER MH team on making the break in the easiest way for them.
from your perspective - I feel this relationship is very damaging to you. you have done enough and its maybe time to say goodbye?

persa

When my ex and I broke up, I was devastated. However, six months down the line, I'm happier, I'm healthier and we're even on speaking terms. Sometimes you do turn from lovers into friends and acknowledging that is really hard. All breakups are difficult - that shouldn't be a reason for not leaving.

The big question is, are you still in love with her? Is she still in love with you? If that is still there, the rest is stuff to be sorted out.

Leaving her might be the prompt she needs to actually listen to her doctor and start taking her meds properly. The end of a relationship isn't always a negative thing.

Would a trial separation be a possibility? Sounds like even if you end up staying together, you could do with some breathing space? Might help you figure out if it's the situation making you unhappy or your OH. Wood for the trees and all that...

You have my sympathies - please do what's right for you and don't worry about coming across as the 'bad guy'. You've been struggling for so long, you've earned the right to put yourself first for once.

man-on-a-mission

Thank you everyone for the advice, it has helped.
Thanks again.

Kaye1

You are not being harsh- you have hopes and dreams for the future like everyone else. You are allowed to consider those.

man-on-a-mission

thank you all again for the advice, i have decided that it really does need to end, but now i a, trying to decide how to do it.

The lease on the place i rent (its in my name) just now expires in january, i then have the option of a rolling contract.
I intend on moving out, and moving in as a lodger with someone, paying maybe £300-£400 per month bills inc, then start paying my debt off.

But i dont know whet to do about my girlfriend, i would like to sit with her today, tell her how i feel and that we have simply drifted apart, and i am deeply unhappy with my life and need a change, really i dont mind her staying with me until january to give her time to sort stuff out, but given her mental fragility, i can imagine this being a nightmare few months.

Her taking over the house isnt going to happen she wont have the money, and isnt officially living here anyway.

I would like to help her out once i am debt free, to try get her on her feet as well, but i dont know if just severing all links would be best for her in the long run, rather than me still popping up now and again.

what does everyone think?

thanks again

RAS

man-on-a-mission wrote: »

The lease on the place i rent (its in my name) just now expires in january, i then have the option of a rolling contract.

really i dont mind her staying with me until january to give her time to sort stuff out, but given her mental fragility, i can imagine this being a nightmare few months.

Her taking over the house isnt going to happen she wont have the money, and isnt officially living here anyway.

Hi

This is really kind and considerate but you need to be aware that you are in a bit of a legal minefield.

Does your partner have a CPN? If not you need to speak to her GP. Possibly very shortly before or after you tell her the relationship is over.

Because your partner is living in the house, if you move out and she tries to stay (even if only because she cannot get it together to find an alternative), you remain liable for the rent.

I would suggest you speak to Shelter and I suggest that your GF is going to need help finding alternative accommodation BEFORE you move out.

Otherwise you could get into a real pickle financially covering both lots of rent and even bills.