We'd like to remind Forumites to please avoid political debate on the Forum. This is to keep it a safe and useful space for MoneySaving discussions. Threads that are - or become - political in nature may be removed in line with the Forum’s rules. Thank you for your understanding.

Should I just accept my lot? advice needed

Options
13»

Comments

  • IceAngel
    Options
    The problem with being in a relationship like this, as you said, is that you do forget what a normal, healthy relationship should be like.

    I want to share something with you. My mother does not do conflict. Even when I was a toddler - and I can remember this - if I did something wrong, I would be ignored. For days. It made me physically ill. I am now 34 with a severe generalised anxiety disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder and depression, largely as a result of this treatment. I struggle to deal with conflict myself. Being around people like her make me more anxious, and his behaviour is probably making yours worse.

    I know how hard it is to leave, but you need to think about your health and sanity, and that of your children. And so that they don't think that this is normal or healthy.


    Thinking of you.
  • Tommelise
    Tommelise Posts: 133 Forumite
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker
    Options
    IceAngel wrote: »
    The problem with being in a relationship like this, as you said, is that you do forget what a normal, healthy relationship should be like.

    I want to share something with you. My mother does not do conflict. Even when I was a toddler - and I can remember this - if I did something wrong, I would be ignored. For days. It made me physically ill. I am now 34 with a severe generalised anxiety disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder and depression, largely as a result of this treatment. I struggle to deal with conflict myself. Being around people like her make me more anxious, and his behaviour is probably making yours worse.

    I know how hard it is to leave, but you need to think about your health and sanity, and that of your children. And so that they don't think that this is normal or healthy.

    Thinking of you.



    Good advice above.


    I still remember my father not talking to me for 3 -4 days when I was 16 - He wanted me to say I was in the wrong.


    It is a horrible way to act, and I cant begin to think what your husbands behavior does to your daughter and what message he is sending to your boys.


    From your posts it seems he has adopted his parents way of being a parent, even if it is clearly not working.


    If he is not willing to change or talk about the problems I strongly advice you to leave for your daughters sake. Self harming at the age of 12 has to be taken very seriosly.
  • transistor
    Options
    To me, whatever else, whatever the reasons, your husband sounds depressed. He may not want to get help for that, but even if he doesn't you should be aware of the possibility because things that might "work" on someone who is not depressed will not work with someone who is.

    Also I think maybe you and him could really do with a break. Without the kids, without pressure to talk about "feelings" or anything like that. Something fun that you can do together without the pressures of everyday life getting in the way. At this point neither of you seem to have much of a relationship with the other, you need to actually try and get to know each other again in a relaxed environment.

    I don't really approve of divorce (except when someone is at risk of physical harm - and even then I'd stick with separation) - at one point in your lives you bound yourselves together, and doubly so after having children together, but you were young at the time - it's natural that both of you are going to grow and change and that growth can put a strain on the relationship, but bonds between people never really break, they just become to painful to confront.

    What drew you two together in the first place? What did you like about him? What did he like about you? What kind of things did you do together? Is there anything that you to share still? Taste in music?

    There is also a possibility you need to work on your own interests and desires on your own for a bit, rekindle a bit of mystery, improve yourself and be interesting. You mentioned he said you never finish anything when you completed the first part of an OU course - well, is it true? I am totally like that, I start projects but I get bored easily and I just leave them undone. But a few times I finished something and it felt really good - so prove to him and to yourself you really can finish something. Get your OU degree and then don't go running to him for approval, just quietly enjoy the feeling of doing something good.

    It's interesting that you're talking about leaving this guy because he is not giving you this or that - but he won't give you those things if you leave either. A relationship is often described as about give and take, a unity in which both parties end up better off - but really it's more complicated than that, sometimes you have to give and give and get nothing. Sometimes you just take and take and feel "I don't deserve this". Sometimes you have no choice but to withdraw.

    A serious question you need to ask yourself, not your partner, is "why has he not left me?" - he sounds extremely unhappy, so why has he not decided to leave? What does the relationship offer him? Or is he just too scared?

    As for your kids, if your husband's coldness and harshness is adversely effecting them, maybe instead of focusing so much on "fixing" him (if he really is depressed there is not really much you can do) you should focus on reinforcing that they are loved, and if your husband is depressed you could explain it to them like that - it is not that he doesn't love you, but he is sick and he cannot access that part of him that lets him feel positive emotions right now and that makes it very hard for him to handle his temper. Then do stuff with them to make them feel special.
  • eveie189
    eveie189 Posts: 301 Forumite
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker
    Options
    Thanks transistor and everyone who posted their advice. As an update we are still together. I have been suffering from panic attacks for some time but shortly after I started this thread i basically had a nervous breakdown . Throughout this time DH has been amazing, understanding and actually showing he cares. We have really talked about what has happened with us and the children and I am hopeful things will continue to improve. I don't know if what I am doing is right but I hope it is for all our sakes.
    April GC 9th-7th may £0/£320
This discussion has been closed.
Meet your Ambassadors

Categories

  • All Categories
  • 344.8K Banking & Borrowing
  • 250.6K Reduce Debt & Boost Income
  • 450.4K Spending & Discounts
  • 236.9K Work, Benefits & Business
  • 610.8K Mortgages, Homes & Bills
  • 173.9K Life & Family
  • 249.7K Travel & Transport
  • 1.5M Hobbies & Leisure
  • 15.9K Discuss & Feedback
  • 15.1K Coronavirus Support Boards