108 spiders are a girl's best friends

Whitefeather8

Well I am going to start my final 40 days tomorrow as I've been aching all over and suffering from a bad headache for a few days and I have not felt like doing anything.....


Tomorrow is another day though:).

sassychick2014

Hey hon

Good to hear that you've lost weight over Christmas, that in itself is a huge achievement!!

Hope you feel better tomorrow xx

sassychick2014

Sassy knocks gingerly on the door and notices that Whitefeather is still MIA. Hope all is well and we hear from you soon xx

Msmoneyspider

Spider Step 70

On my last post I wrote:-

"Well I am going to start my final 40 days tomorrow as I've been aching all over and suffering from a bad headache for a few days and I have not felt like doing anything....."

The bad headache turned out to be encephalitis and I was hospitalised for 6 weeks and off work for a whole year. I had to rebuild my brain as my memory was completely shot and my confidence was zero.

In the following year, March 2016, I did get a job at a University, which I really loved, but I left that after four months to take care of my aunt, now diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. The move led to my setting up a care business, which has generated an income, for me, in excess of £25,000 each year.

My husband now works three days a week and my son is doing very well at University and is in Greece at the moment..

I want to finish those 108 steps now, as I feel I am approaching another pivotal stage in my life and at the end of that period, I will know what way to steer this ship, what port I am headed too. I have been feeling lost at sea for so long, living other people's lives and drama's, I crave my own soul's purpose now,

“Enlightenment is man's release from his self-incurred tutelage. Tutelage is man's inability to make use of his understanding without direction from another. Self-incurred is this tutelage when its cause lies not in lack of reason but in lack of resolution and courage to use it without direction from another.

― Immanuel Kant, An Answer to the Question: What Is Enlightenment?

My mother died on the 1st July 2019 and her funeral is next Thursday, it feels like a release of some sort, sad on one level but very liberating on another.

I keep looking to others; God, higher self, husband, church, son, culture, books …. endless books to write the script of my life, afraid to follow my own star, the core of me that knows what I really want, what I truly believe, I am off to follow that internal star.

Will check in tomorrow.

Msmoneyspider

Spider Step - 71

Updated Statement of Affairs and Personal Balance Sheet - 15th July 2019

Household Information
Number of adults in household........... 3 (Son at University - living at home)
Number of children in household......…0
Number of cars owned.................... 2

Monthly Income Details
Monthly income after tax................ 2083.33
Partners monthly income after tax....... 1350
Benefits................................ 0
Other income............................ 0
Total monthly income.................... 3433.33

Monthly Expense Details
Mortgage................................ 287
Secured/HP loan repayments.............. 0
Rent.................................... 0
Management charge (leasehold property).. 0
Council tax............................. 198
Electricity............................. 60
Gas..................................... 60
Oil..................................... 0
Water rates............................. 0
Telephone (land line)................... 35
Mobile phone............................ 26
TV Licence.............................. 12.25
Satellite/Cable TV...................... 0
Internet Services....................... 0
Groceries etc. ......................... 600
Clothing................................ 100
Petrol/diesel........................... 120
Road tax................................ 12.08
Car Insurance........................... 58.33
Car maintenance (including MOT)......... 60
Car parking............................. 20
Other travel............................ 80
Childcare/nursery....................... 0
Other child related expenses............ 400
Medical (prescriptions, dentist etc).... 20
Pet insurance/vet bills................. 0
Buildings insurance..................... 20
Contents insurance...................... 10
Life assurance ......................... 50
Other insurance......................... 20
Presents (birthday, christmas etc)...... 50
Haircuts................................ 60
Entertainment........................... 100
Holiday................................. 300
Emergency fund.......................... 200
Business Bank Charges................... 18
Office Costs............................ 320
Gym..................................... 60
Charity................................. 200
Web support............................. 15
Licences................................ 100
Professional Insurances................. 100
Accountant.............................. 120
Total monthly expenses.................. 3891.66


Assets[/b]
Cash.................................... 30000
House value (Gross)..................... 225000
Shares and bonds........................ 1300
Car(s).................................. 20000
Other assets............................ 2000[
Total Assets............................ 278300


Secured & HP Debts
Description....................Debt......Monthly...APR
Mortgage...................... 36000....(287)
Total secured & HP debts...... 36000.....

Unsecured Debts
Description....................Debt......Monthly...APR
Total unsecured debts..........0.........0.........


Monthly Budget Summary
Total monthly income.................... 3,433.33
Expenses (including HP & secured debts). 3,891.66
Available for debt repayments........... -458.33
Monthly UNsecured debt repayments....... 0
Amount short for making debt repayments. -458.33

Personal Balance Sheet Summary
Total assets (things you own)........... 278,300
Total HP & Secured debt................. -36,000
Total Unsecured debt.................... -0
Net Assets.............................. 242,300

Msmoneyspider

I have compared my SOA to the earlier one in this thread and our net assets have gone up from £167,058.00 to £242,300.00.

In fairness my business was recently valued at £120,000.00 and we are due about £90,000.00 from mum's estate, after probate, so it has in real terms gone up from £167,058.00 to £452,300.00

Staring at that gold candle really did work !! Considering that I was off work for a year, my husband cut his income by 2/5th's and from July 2018 to July 2019, I have been on a sabbatical, not taking on any new business. I am quite amazed and impressed by that figure. Thank you/me

The SOA has highlighted the issue I have now, and why I am back. I was working from home, which kept costs low, but the SOA above factors in expenses related to the new rented office that I have set-up and which will hit me this month.

Mum's protracted demise (she has been in palliative care for a year) necessitated repeated air trips to see her, sell her house etc, and I have not been able to focus on my own business for a year, I took a kind of sabbatical getting the qualifications that I needed to run my business (SVQ 4's etc)..

I intend to return to work properly on the 1st September 2019, working a condensed four day week and the next 40 days on here are to figure out ways of generating an income in excess of £3,500.00 a month and to start losing weight again organically.

I will check in tomorrow.

Msmoneyspider

Spider Step 72

BLACK WIDOW DAY

Yesterday was the mother of all horrible days. It started when I went to my aunt's house to find that her live-in carer had fallen badly down the stairs, necessitating an ambulance call. It wound down hill, all the way to rock bottom, culminating with a very upsetting What's App exchange with my grieving sisters.

All my clients and my live-in carer were in various hospitals, that deadly day, in differing states of disrepair. It was my first day back from a holiday that had also begun very badly with mum's demise.

The grim reaper is working overtime in my life.

I started this diary on the 8th October 2014, at a pivotal moment in my life, when things were collapsing around me, and I was seeing spiders everywhere. History is repeating itself an octave higher as I knew it would.

Mum's funeral is bringing to the fore issues in the family that have not been resolved. I am looking at the worst aspects of us all, reflected back at me through the mirror of my life. Corrosive bitterness rivalling that of Dorian Grey.

"Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die".

I really thought that this time they would let go and love, but it is not happening and I refuse to collude in their version of history any longer. I have my own subjective perspective and it will not be buried at the expense of my health and well being to bolster up their viewpoint which is keeping them stuck. I am moving on and rejoice at the prospect..

How do I deal with it this time? What lessons do I need to learn? Do I have to repeat past mistakes in an endless cycle of despair and inertia and ill health?

Last time I reflected with a gold candle and it has brought money, lots of it, and a viciously intense amount of cleansing and processing. This time it is not about money it is about balance and finding a way of harmonising all sorts of conflicting themes, while dancing to my own tune, and not anothers, joyfully and gratefully. Life is not a test for me anymore but a gift.

I have been living grandly and as a final flourish, before I return to a more balanced mind set, I bought myself a luxury Diptqyue, green fig tree candle for £62.00, in a nod to my mother whose motto was - "If You Have Two Loaves of Bread, Sell One and Buy a Lily".

I had two smart watches. I returned one for £199.00 and bought my candle, netting a profit of £137.00.

I am going to reflect and plan using my fig tree candle. I chose this because it resonated with me. I want to lose weight and run a very profitable business, but I want to do this in harmony with my environment, thereby helping to create a world and life more aligned to my noblest soul values, which I aim to discover.

I was also thinking of the parable of the fig tree at Luke 13. The fig tree was mercifully given one year of being nurtured and fertilised to bear it's sweet fruit. I am giving myself that year, it is my time to flourish. I truly believe and have faith, through prayer, that everything will work out for the greatest good. Amen.

Msmoneyspider

Msmoneyspider reigns benevolently.

In helpful synchroniccity I have just read that the Chinese believe there are 36 beneficial stars and 72 malevolent stars, their sum constitutes the sacred number 108.

The 36 benevolent stars begin day 73, which will be Tuesday 23rd July 2019 (Leo). Onwards and Upwards - I am cutting the ties that have bound me and sending them off to pursue their own destinies. I am free and I am me x.

Msmoneyspider

The funeral was profound and perfect. All mother's surviving old friends were there and the love was palpable. Lots of hatchets were cremated with mother.

My mother was one of lives great eccentrics and she dared to be different, RIP and thank you, it is my turn now.

A great fan of poetry and a writer and poet herself, she left me these verses:-

"But I would cherish existence
Loving the beast and the bubble
Loving the rain and the rainbow
Considering philosophy alien.

For all the religions are alien
That allege that life is a fiction,
And when we agree in denial
The !!!! crows in the morning.

If only I could wake in the morning
And find I had learned the solution,
Wake with the knack of knowledge
Who as yet have only an inkling.

Though some facts foster the inkling -
The beauty of the moon and music,
The routine courage of the worker,
The gay endurance of women,

And you who to me among women
Stand for so much that I wish for,
I thank you, my dear, for the example
Of living like a fugue and moving.

For few are able to keep moving,
They drag and flag in the traffic;
While you are alive beyond question
Like the dazzle on the sea, my darling

I associate my mother with the magpie. There has been a solitary magpie that has been very prevalent in my life in the last year, signifying good and bad to me.

At her wake, we were sitting in the gardens of a glorious manor house, enjoying afternoon tea, and two magpies were the centre of attention, they played endlessly, on the grass, putting on a show for everyone to see. Two for joy. Who would have thought that mother's funeral would be the best day of her life.

Everytime I see a magpie now, I will answer the question, "what is the blessing in this curse", that is the lesson my mother's life has taught me.

On Tuesday, I am going to write the next fugue and be the dazzle on the sea. I will have three days of rest and mourning now and then I will rise and shine, and dance through the following 36 days x.

Msmoneyspider

The Plan - 5:55 - Do all of this in harmony with MSE principles.

Thoughts become things - choose the good ones

1. Shed my 33 pound fat suit, moving from 188 pounds to 154 pounds. one pound a week

- Two bottles of water a day
- 10,000 steps a day through walking/cycling
- Primarily low carb/saturated fat mindful eating with a focus on nutrient rich foods
- Exercising three times a week - Swimming/Zumba/Pilates
- Keeping stress levels down by sticking to my weekly plan/prayer and art

2. Build a world class, ethical, very profitable business working a 30 hour 30 minute, four day, compressed week (Monday to Thursday). A win/win/win/win business which supports the environment, clients, workers and myself/family in a harmonious and just manner.

- Monday 8.00 until 6.00 with an hour for lunch (9 hours)
- Tuesday 8.00 until 6.00 with an hour for lunch (9 hours)
- Wednesday - Art in morning and then 2.00 until 5.30 pm (3 hours 30 minutes)
- Thursday - 7.00 am until 5.00 am with an hour for lunch (9 hours)

3. Friday to Sunday - co-create, with husband in joyful, gratitude.

In my studies to find truth this is what I currently believe:-

"With the loss of the archetypal sacred union between the masculine and feminine and the vengeful wrath of the son against the mother, the genetic predisposition of the ensuing progeny of Earth’s hybrid population evidently lacked the ability to invoke and hold the vision of wholeness, synergy, and verdant abundance necessary for the successful expression of a gene pool.]Humans today are not only handicapped by the genetic inhibitors bred into them in order to suppress certain natural characteristics of our humanness, they are also burdened by a childishly rageful, guilt ridden, mother complex that is the negative genetic heritage of our forefathers, and the guilt ridden, grief -full, unfulfilled frustration of our foremothers.

I am manifesting that highlighted vision of unity and abundance

Humans are doomed to play out this tragic scenario, (despite various rescue attempts by (male) saviors such as Buddha, Jesus Christ, Mohammed, Krishna etc.), until a critical mass of humans gather to dream of something new. The dream of the divine union of sacred masculine and feminine (both inner and outer relationships) that comes from the restoration of the Divine Mother principle to the Earth; the synergy of that unity; and the order and fecundity that rises from such sacred conjugation is presently denied to us as humans by the very genetic heritage that created us.

Our evolutionary imperative compels us to keep searching - a quest of the highest aspiration - for resolution to this human dilemma, in order that we may find spiritual maturity and emerge into our natural inheritance." This is my interpretation of the holy grail.

The 36 benevolent days start tomorrow at 5:55 am - Today was like last Monday - carer back in hospital and dad too, bleeding heavily. Outlook for them both is good though. I am grateful.

I have to make the most of this window in the storm of time, and thereafter stay in the eye of the tempest that rages.