108 spiders are a girl's best friends

Msmoneyspider

Day 73 and raring to go:-

I started as before – gazing into a candle. It was a rose scented Diptique candle, smelling heavenly, my fig one has not arrived yet.

I was reflecting on my 33 pound fat suit and decided I am shedding it like a snake does. It has served me very well, but it is time to cut the ties. I am continually visualising myself unzipping it and walking out. I am shedding beliefs and habits that I have outgrown – so liberating.

On an MSE front I am going to spend one focused hour from 9.00 am until 10.00 am today collecting money owed from a local council, confident that it will be in my bank account by month end.

Yellow_mango

Hi! I have read through much of your diary this morning and found it very inspiring.

I have been thinking a lot recently about how I am often tied up in my thoughts and mindsets, and need to find a way to break away from these patterns. Whilst I do not consider myself spiritual at all, I found a lot of what you talk about resonates with me.

Maybe a bath with a lovely candle would be as good a way to start as any :-)

I will be following you benevolently through the next stage of your journey xx

Msmoneyspider

Day 74

Good morning, Yellow Mango, it is lovely to have some company and this is so much cheaper than counselling! Please feel free to post anything you want, it is good to see things from other people's perspectives.

The first day of the benevolences was actually worse than black widow day, it was like car crash TV. I kept thinking, 'Is this for real?', but something has switched in me. It is either the peace of God or the numbness of grief, take your pick. I very calmly dealt with everything that was hurled at me, took a two hour lunch break at a fabulous Japanese restaurant and smelled every rose. In the midst of it, I sorted the council money out, which will help enormously with cash flow.

I was given a large, home made scone with jam as a thank you from one person and an enormous bottle of my favourite wine from another, so the stage was set for a comfort binge, but I did not succumb, I really did feel like the calm at the centre of the storm. One has raged all night, but I slept soundly through it.

I did have a lucid dream and I have this theory that if a dream is vivid enough for me to be thinking about it when I wake up, then it is my subconscious telling me something. I had my bath this morning, lit my candle and asked, "what are you trying to tell me?". It was an airport dream. I had 33 pounds of excess and prohibited baggage and I was trying everything to get the attendants to let it through, including the 'I've just lost my mother card', but to no avail, I was getting fined as a repeat offender and no sympathy.

Then a man appeared in my dream, who has been a God send in real life and he said you only need to take a nightie through, leave the rest behind, and that is what I am choosing to do. I am cutting the ties that bind.

MSE plan for today is to go through my statement of affairs and see where cut-backs can be made and post them tomorrow..

My healthy living plan is to stay at the centre of this storm, note when I am out of balance and what causes it, while eating mindfully, smelling the roses. On that note, my favourite orange rose, in the front garden has just burst into fragrant glory 'Rosa Alchemist'!!

Msmoneyspider

Day 75

As planned, I looked at our combined SOA and by taking dear son out of that we break even. He is getting a student loan from September and has enough money to see him through the summer, so my aim will be to encourage self sufficiency and budgeting in my DS. He is on board with this.

The SOA will thereby focus on my business and August's plan is outlined below. I have cut it to what I can reasonably manage cost wise and will focus on staying in the budget and achieving my £15.00 a day challenge. My office, paperwork and training all need to be in order for the end of August, so no new business until that has been all sorted.

Plan for August
Income
£3,223.00 (after all salary related costs)

Expenditure
£750.00 Contribution to joint account (household expenses)
£450.00 Food
£100.00 Entertainment
£126.00 Charity
£15.00 Web
£120.00 Accountant
£340.00 Office costs (includes Heating/Lighting/IT/Water/Rates)
£9.00 Insurance
£18.00 Bank costs
£75.00 Diesel
£15.00 Mobile Phone
£120.00 Gym costs (family - halving from October)
£100.00 Hair and nails
£160.00 Insurance and professional costs
£175.00 Training and compliance costs
£2,573.00


£650.00 Profit
£450.00 Make £15.00 a day challenge.
£1,100.00 added to account at month end taking reserves to £16,000.00

I saw where I nearly went out of balance yesterday. I have a relative who owes me a substantial amount of money, while they waited for bonds to mature. I know they have the money now, but they are making excuses and not paying me back. I have the agreement in writing, but I don't want to have to enforce it.

The thing that has been causing me resentment is that I did this out of love and concern, but I have been repaid with selfishness and indifference to my needs. There is no justice here. I see a repeating pattern of me being the rescuer and taking responsibility for another person's mistakes and then getting shat on, while they learn nothing except that it pays to exploit.

I took this dilemma to my candle this morning and envisaged the money coming back to me in abundance, and everything else that is owed to me, like a giant vortex that could not be resisted. I made the following decision:-

If I have not got the money in my account by Monday, I will go around to his house and sit with him while he makes the online transfer.

I will never lend this person money again after that reconciliation date - he is untrustworthy. I will also not take responsibility for another persons mistake and rescue them. I will however be prepared to help another, help themselves in a win/win situation.

For far too long I have been a sponge that gets rung dry and a drained battery. My brother-in-law called me a wet wipe recently, always cleaning up others people's excrement for no thanks. He was right. I am nolonger a wet wipe, I am a winged lion.

Today I am going to spend the day at my new office organising my filing. I will take my lunch and drinks with me and it will be a no spend day. I have an amazing picture of a winged lion that is going on my wall.

Msmoneyspider

Day 76

I got a text from my relative and he has promised the money will be in my account Saturday afternoon.

My office is gorgeous, with fabulous views over the surrounding countryside and an easy drive from where I live, just what I had visualised.

There is a huge demand for care services, of all types, in this area. I could have sold my business last month, but the person ideally wanted one that banked a minimum of 5,000 billable hours a month at a 30% return per hour and for that they would pay £2,500,000. They asked me to grow it and said it's foundations were very strong.

Primary Mission Statement

I have determined that in 3 years time (26th July 2022), my business will bill 6000 hours a month, at a 30% return and will be worth 3.3 million. It brings joy, harmony, creativity and gratitude to my life and that of the many others that it touches..

I am envisaging a rainbow around my life and business and those that enter this sacred space will be enveloped in those energies above.

I am having today off, too hot to work! Pilates class planned for this morning and then I am going to the beach for a swim in the sea and I will dream of how the business will be structured.

“Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world.”—Harriet Tubman.

Msmoneyspider

Day 77

I enjoyed my day of rest and dreaming yesterday and I did some candle gazing this morning too. I am pruning my life significantly to make room for new growth.

Today I will productively work through all the outstanding items on my to do list.

Msmoneyspider

Day 78

So, my relative did not pay me as promised …… I am not concerned as I have a way of getting the money back, more very disappointed.

It made me realise that I have some real weaknesses, that I must watch, if I am going to run a business that does not cause me and others too much stress.

I have a big heart and always give when I see a need, but for some reason this does not benefit me, why? I am too soft, and many people see this as a weakness and exploit it. I become a mother figure and when I get irritated by a person’s repeated inability to be responsible and work in harmony with me, I become their target.

What am I going to do to change this? I have been doing too much giving and not enough receiving. I am striving for balance now.

I commit to myself today, that before I make any decisions of any import, I will think about them for 24 hours and then act.

A lot of my problems have stemmed around not having a very strong administrative base, with agreements properly thought out and put in writing, terms being strictly adhered to.

Creativity and money making ability is wonderful, but without proper legislative underpinning, it can become a prison rather than a paradise.

I am employing a person to help me get this foundation right. I will give her three months’ probation, on her contract, and if it is not truly a win/win situation at the end, we will part ways. I will make this very clear to her at the start and visualise exactly what I need from her. I am going to work very hard when we are together. (Work hard, play hard).

I also have another situation where I have been rescuing a young person in tremendous need, who is not my responsibility. I don’t regret it, but there will need to be a firm agreement there too, as they are repeating a pattern that will lead to their being homeless shortly and I can’t keep bailing them out.

I need to clearly work out a plan for another lady who works with me, to maximise her abilities.

Today I am pulling up my big girl knickers and thinking like an organised, fair, professional business owner, achieving what I need to. I have been a bit of a flaky pastry lately and that will not work any longer!!:

savingholmes

My condolences on the loss of your mother.

I love your writing style and have just caught up on the rollercoaster that has been your life in recent years. I want to wish you all the best and congratulate you on all you have achieved.

A book that is helping me deal with my boundary issues currently is called B0undaries by J0hn T0wns3nd & H3nry Cl0ud - you may find it eye opening.. I listen in short bursts though as it is also uncomfortable...

I love your quote near the start of your diary

"I am a conscious dreamer.

“All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes to make it possible."
— T.E. Lawrence
Seven Pillars of Wisdom

One of the things I've been catching hold of is the idea that we are are likely to be the same person in x years minus the people we meet and the books we read...

Msmoneyspider

Day 79

Thank you savingholmes, that was an extremely helpful post. I read the blurb on the book and it brought a tear to my eye, resonating very strongly. I have ordered it and will have a good read!

And you are right, the same person is there. When I shed this 33 pound skin, I will be a leaner version of the same me, with a lot less baggage, still asking the same questions.

Who is this core me though? Why have I been looking for answers, all my life, to the questions most people don't seem to ask?

This time though I am going to keep my feet very firmly on the ground, while my head is in the clouds, where it loves to be!

After yesterday's post, at an unearthly hour, I phoned my relative and waited on the phone while he transferred the money. No negotiating at all. He was hungover, caught by surprise, did exactly as he was told and I have my money back.

I don't like managing people. I am not a fan of hierarchies and prefer people to work with me and not for me. For my business to really grow, I now know, through experience, that I will need to employ a lot of people in a very traditional way, because this is what they want ……….

I have been pondering over this dilemma for a while. The husband of my new admin assistant is a brilliant manager of around 50 persons, in a very diverse workplace. He is firm but fair and commands a lot of respect. He has an entrepreneurial streak and sees the huge potential in my company and my roadblocks, and he is frustrated where he is.

He wants to work with me in a consultancy role and is going to take on the management of the young girl, above, who is actually 25 and an excellent carer. He thinks that within a year, he will have generated enough income to leave his current job and manage all my workforce and support me with strategy ……. different dreams merging. He is relatively young (30) and hungry for success and a change. He is my polar opposite in many ways, just what I need. We will draw up a draft agreement on Thursday.

Today I am heading to the office, with my new assistant and we are going to organise all my files.

savingholmes

Well done on getting your money back and on ordering the book. Great jumping spider steps.

In your shoes I would be tempted to make sure in the agreement you are writing that there is a clear exit plan / clause if its not working out...

Have a great day