support for Rape Victim

Devastatedmum

I am devastated - my daughter (she is 18) has told me she was raped last night by someone she thought was a friend. she is in pieces but is adamant she will not let me call the police.

She was sexually assaulted when she was 14 and was so traumatised by the whole police interview etc she says she can't go through it again.

she is covered in bruises but says she is not hurt otherwise. I have got her an emergency dry appointment at 5pm Which she has very reluctantly agreed to.

I have tried rape crisis but can't get an answer from them but have managed to get her to talk to someone from victim support but she is still adamant no police.

I am so torn I really want to call the police so that this low life can be brought to justice but she gets hysterical when I talk about it and I know she will see this as an utter betrayal if I do.

where do I go from here, what else can I do to support her - I'm heartbroken that this has happened to her again

I have tried for a while to get her to agree to counselling from the assault but she has steadfastly refused but the previous assault left her with a number of issues which have resulted in self harming. she has started cutting again this time on her stomach where She thought I wouldn't see I'm so scared this is going to push her over the edge and am desperate for her to agree to see/ talk to someone but she is absolute in her refusal of this.

Life is so cruel and I feel as if I have failed to prepare her/protect her from the real world not once but twice.

love_lifer

so sorry to hear about your daughetr's horrific experiences. and can totally see your dilemma. can you keep trying rape crisis? and see what other support there is in your area- in west yorks there is a police based service called Star, I imagine there are similar elsewhere


hopefully someone knowledgeable will talk to you about options

love_lifer

and please don't blame yourself- the people responsible are the abusers not you nor your daughter. no one can prevent another person being hurt by vile individuals

Raksha

Please dont blame yourself. You are doing and have done all you could, but sometimes as a parent we have to accept things are out of our control. Likewise, your daughter may be feeling that the decision to not contact the police at the moment is something that IS in her control. In time she may feel different. It took me 30 years to report my attacker, but i didnt have a supportive family around me so hopefully it wont take her so long...
Big hugs to both of you.

Devastatedmum

Thanks for the reply love lifer yes I will keep trying rape crisis - I have googled support services but there doesn't appear to be anything near us and am hoping the dr can point us in right direction. my immediate concern is get her checked to make sure she doesn't have any other injuries and see if he can help persuade her to accept help. we also need arrange emergency contraception and get her checked for stis although she is in denial oover this one, not surprisingly.

onlyroz

Would she consent to you taking some photographs of her bruises?

love_lifer

also, mumsnet is a fantastic site for support- lots of very knowledgeable people on there, you might find more people who've been in a similar position to you

Devastatedmum

thank you Raksha, I feel so helpless but know that she has zero confidence in the police from her previous experience at the moment she is still refusing any help and says she can cope with it herself, something I know she was already struggling with before last night.

I want someone to wave a magic wand, make it all go away and take her pain away and I think you are spot on with your comment about control. she has already admitted to me that she self harms because she feels this is the only thing she can control.

puppypants

I can't say anything constructive to help but just wanted to send you and your daughter a HUG, and hope everything works out for you. xx

bargainbetty

If she really feels like she cannot speak to the local plods, some of whom genuinely are well-meaning but really don't know how to deal with rape victims, she could put in a call to the Operation Sapphire team. I had to deal with them a couple of years ago and they couldn't have been kinder or more supportive. Specialist team for such incidents.

She might feel differently in a day or two. Sounds grim, but could you collect her clothes from that night fr biological evidence? Just in case she changes her mind?

DUKE

Try Women's Aid - http://www.womensaid.org.uk/?gclid=CN-V_oTbmsECFQpk2wodryUAMA

mum, I'm so sorry that you & your Daughter are going through this hell. Maybe in time your daughter will come forward. x