Learning how to make actual friends, need help.

Better_Days

kloana wrote: »

I'm sure you're very aware of the following, Better Days But - it seriously wouldn't occur to your sister to ask how you are. It's not to indicate that she cares any less, or that she's unaware of your struggles and issues, only that it's an extremely un-Aspie thing to do, to enter into the 'how are you...?' conversation. Apparent ignorance of others' wellbeing is a hallmark, textbook trait.

For me there are three main reasons why I won't ask, 1) It literally doesn't occur to me, 2) It does occur to me, but I'm not equipped to cope with the answers (emotional outpouring, even from close friends/family), 3) I don't actually care (doesn't apply to loved-ones!)

The point that I was making was that because she doesn't ask how the people around her are it gives the impression that she doesn't care and that is a barrier to friendships (and maintaining family relationships). If she wants to maintain friendships and family relationships then an effort needs to be made.

If she doesn't want to change her behaviour, for whatever reason, that is fine, but non Aspie's may well not understand, and that does have consequences.

My sister behaves in a totally uncaring way and after many many years it is difficult to see what the point is in maintaining contact. I have supported her for years through her difficulties and earlier this year, for the first time ever, I asked her for help with a family issue that had been troubling me deeply. She emailed me back (we communicate via email as she doesn't like to talk on the phone) she had too many problems of her own to bother with mine. Aspie's may be smiling to themselves and understand completely, but what also needs to be understood that from a non-Apsie POV this behaviour is incredibly hurtful.

However understanding I can be there comes a point when it is just not worth it anymore. One thing I have learnt is that if you put yourself out for genuine friends and for family then that strengthens the relationship. That effort is more than repaid, but my sister is not prepared to make any effort or adjustment at all.

I find it difficult to see what she wants out her relationship with me - is it just to dump on me with long rambling emails when she feels down, and come and stay when she fancies a change of scene. I just feel used and I'm fed up of it.

Going back to the OP, for friendships and family relationships to work long term, both sides have to get something out of the relationship. If my sister was a friend I wouldn't have persevered so long. But I am at the stage now where I can't see any point in continuing contact.

Better_Days

The impact of depression on relationships was discussed on a recent thread. What sticks in my mind is that one poster observed that when his partner is low she makes comments that are hurtful. A couple of hours later she is feeling better and wants to snuggle up on the sofa, but he is still reeling from the impact of her hurtful comments.

Understanding why a person behaves as they do does not negate the emotional effect of hurtful comments or those that appear to be blunt, uncaring or thoughtless. The person who made the comment may have moved on and possibly forgotton what they said but the effects remain like a ripple in a pool. Understanding is not an emotional painkiller and this is one of the reasons why even with complete understanding relationships can fail.

onomatopoeia99

Tiffany_Aching wrote: »

I also have high functioning autism and social anxiety and find this friendship thing very difficult.

Is "social anxiety" an actual medical condition? It's a serious question, because even simple things like making a phone call, or asking a friend for help, or going to a social function where I know few or no people can give me the absolute terrors (to the point where I simply don't do them), which I always put down to being very shy.

Kitty777

onomatopoeia99 wrote: »

Is "social anxiety" an actual medical condition? It's a serious question, because even simple things like making a phone call, or asking a friend for help, or going to a social function where I know few or no people can give me the absolute terrors (to the point where I simply don't do them), which I always put down to being very shy.

I believe so...and I totally understand and feel the same way. But the loneliness is really getting to me.

I am getting to the point where I want to just post a thread on here saying SOMEONE TALK TO ME, I AM LONELY in particular days that go by and I haven't had a conversation with anyone but my mother....-sigh-...

ThriftyShelly

Kitty, I read your post and had to respond, you come across as a lovely, quirky person and I hate that you feel lonely but can understand what you mean. I work with a lot of people and often feel 'alone' in a crowded room.
One of my children has been diagnosed with Aspergers and he has a lot of associates but no close friends, he is only 8 and says I am his best friend which is lovely but I would like him to have a best friend his own age who would come round and play.
I myself only have three close friends. I think I too am on the spectrum and when I was younger I worried a lot that people would think I was strange, as you get older you don't worry so much about what people think and self confidence increases (in my case anyway)
I think it would be a boring world if we were all the same.
What I would say is celebrate your quirkiness, sod people that ignore you or don't seem to like you, I am sure you will find 'your people' in time, maybe over the internet or as part of a group that you join up with, if you meet people you like try not to do what I do and talk too much out of nervousness and do show your interest in them by asking questions about them, their families, pets etc- most people like to talk about themselves and this will take the pressure off you feeling self-conscious too.
Please let us know how you get on x

Kitty777

ThriftyShelly, Hello and thank you for your post
I hope your child finds his place in the world - I have faith that he will do. You seem to be very supportive of him and that is all he needs. Someone to push him out into the world, but also be there if he needs to come running back and feel comfortable. I hope I have said that right..

Talking about pets, and video games is a way that I can communicate with people...I love animals!!
I did 18 months of volunteering work as an one on one youth mentor/worker...and it wasn't until then it dawned on me how hard I found it to communicate informally!! After a few sessions I was fine...but I was wishing I had a mentor for the first few hours! It wasn't nice...and I don't feel ashamed anymore for saying that.

Your post, a long with others, has cheered me up today. Thank you and take care!!

Primrose

Kitty, do yiu find making spontaneous convsrsation with people difficult? Do you enjoy reading? If so try reading several sections of the newspaper every day and remember some of the more unusual or interesting topics discussed. Then you will always have somethng you can pull out of the bag for discussing if the conversation seems to flag or you are faced with those uncomfortable silencex which occur. " Did you hear/read abiut X/Y/Z. Is often a usedul way of getting things moving, can lead to other things and help you discover whether you have something in common with somebody which might lead to you having more contact with them

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katsu

Can you maybe try some groups? You could try a knitting or crochet group - you should be able to find local ones on Ravelry and can read their forum pages before attending. Or maybe a photography club, model railway or other model making group, a games playing night in the local independent shop, games workshop have miniature playing evenings... You also had the book group and WI suggestions. What sort of things do you like doing or might you like to try?

Or voluntary work: a charity shop, outdoor conservation, first aid, guides/Brownies/scouts or other youth leadership. Church groups?

a running group or rambling?

Meet up groups?

Or try a class. Maybe a Saturday day class or a few weeks? Maybe painting, crafts, photography baking etc? Might be easier to get chatting to people ina class with shared tasks and breaks? Or an exercise class? Get to recognise regulars?

I'd say think of a thing you would like to try and then give it a go for a while. See who you meet.

All the best with whatever you decide.

Giraffeseeker

Kitty, I am assuming you are female so I'd urge you to have a look at the Ladie's Circle website and see if there is a club near you (or I can tell you if you say where you are based).

It is a brilliant way to make friends and the evenings are planned a long while in advance so nothing spontaneous. No need to attend everything either so you could choose what you are comfortable with. Circle nights for me recently have been yoga, self defence, a meal out, jewellery making, golf - usually an activity so the "chat" comes from whatever you are doing. Circles have anywhere from 3-15ish members, so not a huge group and most meet twice a month.

Check it out x

Kitty777

Thank you everyone for your responses yet again, Sorry if I don't reply to all of you!!

I will try the ladies circle website...may be a good thing for me. I just have a fear there won't be anyone my age? I am nearly 23.

I just looked at the website and the idea terrifies me...what if I walk into the wrong group of people? :P It isn't just conversation but being social in general that I struggle with.