Learning how to make actual friends, need help.

Kitty777

Tiffany Aching - Sorry I didn't reply to your post. You must of posted while I was writing my reply!!! I am glad you are pleased that I started this thread, and maybe you can see autism comes in all shapes and sizes...Iguess it is about perspective and seeing how well we are doing for ourselves....I have graduated from uni, I can drive a car and keep down a job....things I never thought i'd be able to do


Edwardia- there has been times were strangers have said bits to me, and I have just smiled...and by the time I have plucked up the courage to reply it is too late...so I just don't bother. But I may try it...may get my confidence up elsewhere

Jitterbug123

Yes you have to feel normal. Although not autistic I am very introvert a lot of the time.

I have friends from School, and some have dropped off. But the people I still love are the ones who are ok with me being quiet, or that I can still laugh with if I want to.

When I moved back to my home city, I used meet up to join a book club. I found it was a very nice way to socialise and meet people. And I actually ended up meeting my boyfriend there.

But you shouldn't feel you need to feel comfortable with people. My boyfriend is far more sociable than me, and I often decline invitations and he'll go out because I'd rather spend time alone.

kloana

Kitty777 wrote: »

Hello

I have always found it difficult to make friends, since the start of school. I suffer from high functioning autism, social anxiety and just generally awkward around new people in a informal setting.

I get on VERY well with my work colleagues, but this seems to be only while I am at work and I seem very uncomfortable talking to them outside of work - and never have met up with them or been asked too outside of work.

I have Aspergers (diagnosed mid-20s, though the signs were there since baby-hood), and you're describing my life here However, I found it very easy to make friends at school (mostly because we were all dragged along in the same boat for a long time - primary, secondary, 6th form). Two of my (relatively few) friends are friends from wayyyy back (school). But, I lost (drifted apart from) lots of friends when I left school, because like many ASD people, I'm horrendous at maintaining friendships! If I had just been better at that, I'd be swimming in friends. I lost touch with people whom I was very close with, and it's sad to think of sometimes (the vast majority don't know I'm on the spectrum, just probably have me down as a snotty/ignorant cow). I do have a few other people (I have 5 true friends), but the friend-making process has been extremely long, labourious, and wrought with difficulties and misunderstandings.

My partner seems to have loads of friends, and they do 'like' me and try to include me. But a barrier seems to come down and I guess I feel I am making a fool of myself all the time!!

My husband has lots of friends too. Mostly males, and I've always been extremely socially awkward around males - but that extends to their female partners too. We've been out (for meals, etc.) a few times, and I've just totally clammed up in the conversation/interaction department. The last time we met, I was having an extremely Aspie day, and I don't think I looked at - let alone spoke to - any of them. Since then, I know my husband has explained to some people that I'm on the spectrum. Funnily enough we've not met as a group since. To "out" yourself (or be outed by someone else) as having an ASD can open up a can of worms, I've found.

...Sorry, no suggestions on how to make friends, as I'm terrible at it (I literally would have no clue, and it would never cross my mind to intentionally put myself into a friend-making situation anyway). But you're definitely not alone in your thoughts and experiences

Better_Days

OP, sorry you are feeling lonely, that's not a nice place to be.

I wonder if you might find it helpful to consider what you want out of friendships and how much work you are prepared to put in to make friends and to maintain the relationships.

IME there are two main factors - the first is just luck, some people you 'click' with and some you don't. The second factor is more within your control. This is how much time and effort you feel you can devote to friendships. I don't have many friends, but the friendships that have endured are those where, on both sides, an interest is taken in what is important in our lives. It could be remembering a friends children's birthday, supporting the friend through health issues, asking about their work life, and that of their partner. The interest needs to be genuine, and intially you may find it hard work. But when friendships work you are repaid a hundredfold in support and understanding for interest and concern you have shown.

Now, my sister has recently been diagnosed with Aspergers and she has great difficulty with personal relationships. She comes across as aloof and condesending. She also struggles because she expects those around her to understand her difficulties and make adjustments when she is not prepared to make adjustments herself. It is hard, I appreciate, but behaviours can be learnt which smooth the way if you want something badly enough.

I'll give you a couple of examples of why my sister struggles. A while ago she emailed me and said she was fed up of living in London, she didn't like the people she house shared with, and couldn't get a job. So she wanted to come and stay with me and my husband for a break in the countryside. But at no point did she say 'it will be lovely to see you to catch up with your news', or 'when would be a convenient time to visit' or 'I hope it won't put you out too much if I come and visit'.

That is a 'one off' example but an ongoing issue has been just having the courtesy to ask how I am. I was retired on ill health grounds when I was in my mid 40's and am still poorly. My sister emails long rambling messages about her health issues, and her unhapiness with life in general, but until I pointed it out to her never bothered to ask how I am coping. Family relationships are not exactly the same, but they do suffer enormously in these circumstances.

So what I suppose I am saying is that worthwhile friendships do require work, and you may find it more difficult as you have Aspergers. You may decide that it is not worth the work or feels way too uncomfortable, but I would urge you to try, as in your OP you suggest that you want things to change. It sounds as if you have a supportive partner - why not talk to your partner about it, and find out what your partner does (probably without thinking) to maintain friendships. Also bear in mind that conversations may founder because the person you are speaking to is also shy and a little unsure around someone they don't know that well.

Finally it may be worth having some 'stock questions' in mind to get converstations going or to ask when things flag. This could include asking about someone's job, were they brought up in the area, have they travelled, where did they go on their last holiday (was it great or a disaster), what food do they like (could they recommend a good veggie (or whatever) restuarant), do they have pets - if so what? (I'd avoid politics - but a good news story or something like the 'Darwin Awards' or the like which may tickle you may be worth keeping in mind) If you cast your net wide enough there is much chance of it working and time will fly.

I know I said finally, but one other thing.....I have different depths of friendship with different people. Some are more casual, and that's fine, and a very few are long term 'forever' friends. Put the work in but don't open up too soon about personal stuff. Some people are 'fair weather' friends and there are the odd ones who are very needy and will want to take more than you can give. Every friendship that is begun is a leap of faith, some work and some don't. But you have to try to find out

Hope it goes well for you whatever you decide to do.

pickledonionspaceraider

Large groups do my head in where conversation is expected - like big family gatherings etc - where there are two or more conversations going on in the same room, I always end up feeling totally out of it

catkins

I don't really have any friends. I actually usually find it fairly easy to make friends at places like work but, like you, I find away from work I struggle to make conversation even though we don't just talk about work when there!


I can feel very uncomfortable in places like restaurants, pubs even coffee places with people other than family or OH and I don't really like people coming to my house (not sure why) so really it is down to me that friendships never really continue.


OH is my best friend and I love spending time with him and never get bored of him or run out of things to talk about. I sometimes worry that if something happens to him I will be lonely but it's silly really to worry about something that may not happen.


It's weird in some ways because I chat to lots of people - at bus stops, on the bus, in shops etc and when I walk my dog I am always talking to people (some I know but lots I don't). A few other dog walkers have suggested meeting up for coffee and a couple of years ago there were about 8 of us that used to take our dogs to the local park every morning and one suggested going for a meal at Christmas I always make an excuse though as I feel panicky at the thought of it!

Kitty777

@kloana
I love the way you said apsie day…That is a brilliant way of putting it!! Somedays I just wake up and I cannot function…I am in my own world. I almost have to stop every hour and reconnect my brain and control my emotions and function again. It is very difficult.
Most of my partners friend’s do know I am a bit different…my partner, a few friends and I do make ‘jokes’ about my autism at times…it seems to lighten things up and I know these individuals well enough to make these comments. But I only meet them with my partner, and the thought of meeting them alone makes me shudder…

@Better Days
I am sorry to hear you are struggling too with things – your sister will be thinking of you and your problems it is just that sometimes autism means we struggle to interpret emotions and know how to ask how you are…I think maybe with her sometimes you shouldn’t wait to be asked…just say a comment how you feel or email her first .
I just struggle to meet up with people because I have to be organised and certain timetables of things (for example, eating meals at certain times etc)…it makes it very difficult but the change in times can bring me to tears.

SOME good news is though, I was walking my partner’s dog the other day and I came across a friend from work who was also walking her dog. She seems to know I am a bit withdrawn, and I did panic when eye contact happened. My heart almost sank when she recommended we walked together!! But with a few simple questions about work…we were chatting away!! She seems such an understanding person…and we spoke/walked for about 10mins…I felt pleased with myself
Thank you for everyone’s input..you lot are such thoughtful people

kloana

I'll give you a couple of examples of why my sister struggles. A while ago she emailed me and said she was fed up of living in London, she didn't like the people she house shared with, and couldn't get a job. So she wanted to come and stay with me and my husband for a break in the countryside. But at no point did she say 'it will be lovely to see you to catch up with your news', or 'when would be a convenient time to visit' or 'I hope it won't put you out too much if I come and visit'.

That is a 'one off' example but an ongoing issue has been just having the courtesy to ask how I am. I was retired on ill health grounds when I was in my mid 40's and am still poorly. My sister emails long rambling messages about her health issues, and her unhapiness with life in general, but until I pointed it out to her never bothered to ask how I am coping.

I'm sure you're very aware of the following, Better Days But - it seriously wouldn't occur to your sister to ask how you are. It's not to indicate that she cares any less, or that she's unaware of your struggles and issues, only that it's an extremely un-Aspie thing to do, to enter into the 'how are you...?' conversation. Apparent ignorance of others' wellbeing is a hallmark, textbook trait.

For me there are three main reasons why I won't ask, 1) It literally doesn't occur to me, 2) It does occur to me, but I'm not equipped to cope with the answers (emotional outpouring, even from close friends/family), 3) I don't actually care (doesn't apply to loved-ones!)

kloana

Kitty777 wrote: »

@kloana
I love the way you said apsie day…That is a brilliant way of putting it!! Somedays I just wake up and I cannot function…I am in my own world. I almost have to stop every hour and reconnect my brain and control my emotions and function again. It is very difficult.
Most of my partners friend’s do know I am a bit different…my partner, a few friends and I do make ‘jokes’ about my autism at times…it seems to lighten things up and I know these individuals well enough to make these comments. But I only meet them with my partner, and the thought of meeting them alone makes me shudder…

I liken Aspergers/HFA to speaking the same language as everyone else, but in a markedly different dialect. Or being in the same universe, but on a slightly different planet. I've used those very words to get through to people I'm close to, who have taken exception to my mannerisms and ways.

It took many years to get through to my partner (we're now happily married) that I'm wired differently to him. He's a jokey guy, and very sarcastic. I find it hard to explain to him that I take his sarcasm literally, and am prone to be upset by it (because I think he's being serious...I don't 'do' jokes and banter).

And it's only in recent years that my mum has realised that I'm not being rude if she asks me a question fishing for compliments, and I say no! (i.e., do you like my top/my new wallpaper/my cooking?).

When you combine innate bluntness with a dose of social anxiety (or just general social awkwardness), it usually spells trouble with all but the best of friends...When I 'pretend' to be something I'm not (i.e. force myself to be unnaturally sociable - excruciating!), I'll go home and retreat into myself for days, and will spend a prolonged period being 'worse' (autism-wise) than I would have been if I had just acted naturally. Acting naturally may not be a friend-winner, but it comes with a lot more comfort.

Do your workmates know you're autistic (I'm guessing not)? It's easy to just be written off as shy/not interested in making friends. The situation could be different if they knew (note: it could potentially be worse, too, from my experience).

getmore4less

Friends take time, lots of time,

Sometimes you click quickly but time is the test.

One issue is over time we drift in different directions for various reasons so friends come and go and can come back, I have a few older friends not seen for years but I suspect we could recontact if circumstances converged again

Hanging out with people needs some common ground, for some it will be work/hobby/interest or common people like kids, partners.

With the dog person there is an opportunity to culture a potential interests which may or may not develop further although work can be a barrier to making friends(eg never be on facebook with people at work.

If the dogs get on you have a dog sitter/walk sharing opportunity to work on