Learning how to make actual friends, need help.

Kitty777

Hello

I have always found it difficult to make friends, since the start of school. I suffer from high functioning autism, social anxiety and just generally awkward around new people in a informal setting.

I get on VERY well with my work colleagues, but this seems to be only while I am at work and I seem very uncomfortable talking to them outside of work - and never have met up with them or been asked too outside of work.

I have a few friends, but rarely meet them and we do text eachother but it seems to stop at that. Due to the way I am, I like to plan things in advance and not a sort of person who can text on the day for a spontaneous meet up.

My partner seems to have loads of friends, and they do 'like' me and try to include me. But a barrier seems to come down and I guess I feel I am making a fool of myself all the time!!

A lot of the time I feel like I just want to stay with my own company - but that brings loneliness and isolation.

Has anyone else ever felt like this? I just wondered how anyone else has overcome these problems? As I said, I am fine with formal situations, but rubbish at informal.

I will never forget an arguement with my Mother a few months ago, when she said 'I am going to tell everyone that your best friend is a cat!!'...and to be honest, due to my autistic traits...I think she is right

mattc1

I can relate to this, im awkward around people when in informal setting
Is it worse in large groups?, than with a few people as I find that im better then.

I also can relate to how you have a partner and get on well with people yet still feel like you dont have friends, feel the same.

Sorry I dont really have any answers because stuck in similar situation but know where you coming from.

PasturesNew

You need to find some hobby that you're interested in, that has a club, where you can operate alone, but in a group ... and give it a go.

That way nobody's relying on you (team sports are awful) .... and you can wander away a bit, then rejoin a bit, throughout the meetings/events. I'm thinking something like Ramblers, or kayaking. Something where there can be spontaneous invites to do the activity outside of club night.

That way you can get used to it all, slowly.

Don't do anything teamy .... or anything that can only occur on clubnights.

Kitty777

I just never seem to be able to 'connect' or like...keep a conversation going.

I can honestly see myself just sitting in a corner, doing nothing. I wouldn't go to anything in clubs and pubs as that is the worst for me..

I need to see what my hobbies/interests are...as I have a few BUT struggle finding new ones.

Thanks

kitrat

I feel just the same, though as far as I know I'm not autistic. I would say that my confidence has grown since being in full time employment for some years with the social contact that it brings. I'm better able to make 'small talk' however I struggle to make closer relationships than that. However I do have a boyfriend and I'm fine with him.

I think there's a lot to be said for faking confidence when talking to people, making an effort to appear relaxed and not too shy.

I think as a quiet introverted person I just tend to look for friendships in similar people, I have a couple of friends from work however we don't see each other outside of work as often as I'd like and I hardly ever text, I'm not good at just small talk by texting.

Edwardia

Kitty777 - first off, don't let other people (family included), make you uncomfortable in your own skin. You don't have to live your life the way they think you should or be the person they want you to be. You as yourself are good enough. You've proved that anyway because you have a partner who loves you for yourself.

If YOU feel that you want to have friends, then if you're not comfortable starting conversations I suggest baby steps.

You could, for example go out with partner and with that comforting presence, practise starting conversations with his friends, choosing the ones you know less well perhaps.

Then again with him around or nearby, you could try what worked with the friends on strangers, be that in a queue, at a bus stop, on a station platform, in a market, at a pub.

If people are abrupt or unfriendly, don't take it to heart. The person might have learned that their test results at hospital weren't good, found out that OH has been unfaithful, been made redundant or simply had a horrible tiring day. The reason why some people won't engage might have nothing to do with you personally.

Once you feel comfortable having short conversations on your own, then you could think about maybe adult education classes or a book club (many Waterstones have them) or WI if that appeals, or helping out as a volunteer for a charity.

The more you practise, the more natural it will become and then one day you'll realise that you have friends from book club or gardening society or film club or creative writing course or WI or that beginners' Italian course or yoga or the charity shop - whatever.

PlymouthMaid

I think that having friends can be a bit over-rated anyway. Some of us were not made to have loads of mates to hang out with. Try to find one or two people who you enjoy doing things with. I can honestly say that at present I do not have a single person other than family who I could pop round and visit. Used to have some but they have moved away from the area and not been replaced.

Tiffany_Aching

Kitty777 wrote: »

Hello

I have always found it difficult to make friends, since the start of school. I suffer from high functioning autism, social anxiety and just generally awkward around new people in a informal setting.

I get on VERY well with my work colleagues, but this seems to be only while I am at work and I seem very uncomfortable talking to them outside of work - and never have met up with them or been asked too outside of work.

I know exactly how you feel I also have high functioning autism and social anxiety and find this friendship thing very difficult. In my mind, it is like people belong in boxes - pigeon holes, if you like. Work people, parents from scouts, people who work in the Coop...they all have a place where I am used to talking to them and I can get on ok. Pick one of them up and put them in a different place and I stumble over words and things to say and feel a rising panic and discomfort. Sounds silly to some, I know, but that's how I have always been.

I often feel like I should have friends, but I - like you OP - find the whole thing awkward and often rather overwhelming.

I am afraid that I can't offer any help, but I can tell you that you are not alone with this I also want to thank you for starting this thread - I wouldn't have felt very comfortable doing so, but I hope that I also will be able to find help in some of the replies you get.

Kitty777

Thank you everyone, you have made me feel a bit more...'normal' haha

Edwardia: I understand what you say, and do not try to take peoples responses to heart...I understand that not everyone is having a good day.
Sometimes I want to make small talk with people, about the weather or about an item they are looking at in a shop etc. It is on the tip of my tongue, but i am scared what they will think. Is it normal to talk to strangers? I have no plans on being a stalker weirdo lol..but I just mean the odd comment.

kitrat- we sound very much alike. It feels good that someone else feels this way...maybe we could make a club for people like us? And just sit in silence? Haha.

PlymouthMaid- I understand that friends are often 'over rated', and I do love my own company...Just sometimes I get lonely and feel isolated. I just don't know how everyone keeps up which everything!! It all gets too confusing for me. I start to feel a bit of a failure, when doing something as simple as making friends is such a chore for me..

I am planning to go and stay with my boyfriend while he at uni for a night or so a week (about 15miles away from me) and maybe go for dinner with some of his friends...a few of them say they 'adore me' but..I just don't see how lol! I have a reputation for being a little quirky I think. Just going to have to push myself

Aldeney

I'm afraid I don't have any words of wisdom just wanted to say I know how you feel. I don't have autism but I do have severe social anxiety and it can be incredibly isolating. I don't get lonely because I have a great husband and mum (and my cat is my best friend) but it would be nice to feel more at ease around people. I can't even say hello to my neighbours so they probably think I'm eaither rude or weird (or both!)

You seem to be able to function on some social level and have a supportive partner which is great. I know that with social anxiety, as with most phobias, exposure is the key so maybe the more you interact with people the easier it will become.

Feeling like you are making a fool of yourself is a common fear amongst social phobics, I know that from bitter experience, but I do hope it all becomes easier for you over time.

Edwardia

Sure, it's perfectly normal to have snippets of conversation here and there with people. Brits are more reserved than some other nationalities but if you people watch you'll see examples of ppl who look approachable and friendly and ppl who look er unfriendly and decidedly grumpy !

But there's no rule that says you have to talk to people nd you have to have friends. My mother has zillions of friends but seems to spend more time moaning that X wants to go out for lunch Y wants to borrow a DVD and Z kept her on the phone for an hour than saying anything positive abt them.

If partner's friends adore you for being quirky that's great. Quirky is good, Quirky is an individual. Quirky is never boring.