A little advice re neighbour please.

HPoirot

Some people you gel with, others you don't. Nothing wrong with carrying on as before with the "hello, nice weather" thing. If Maria mentions meeting up again though, I guess I would say something along the lines of, that would be really nice let me see when <daughter> will be here on her break. Or if that is too rude in the circumstances, I would say yes we should but be non-committal about arrangements.

Peter333

meritaten wrote: »

um Maria used to have her parents living with her - but they moved out in June so she is suddenly on her own and feeling lonely? Maria has always been housebound taking care of parents?
I really don't get this 'angst' - a neighbour has made friendly overtures. previously she probably couldn't take part in community things, but now she is on her own she is trying to make friends.
you don't have to become 'bosom buddies'. just offer a lift into village now and then. perhaps invite her over for a coffee and biscuits.
or better still - your wife rings her up and invites herself over for coffee. as your wife is the one who doesn't want visitors.
the way I read it is that your neighbour is suddenly lonely and wants to make friends. your wife doesn't. even though its your next door neighbour.
up to you really. either you respond to her friendly overtures or you don't. I don't think you care how this other woman feels, so if you and your wife aren't interested in making friends, then just carry on waving hello and ignore her. she will get the message.

I don't think you read my OP very well. I said "Maria is a child-free professional who has a degree, and is a vegetarian and an animal rights activist, and she likes diving and surfing and has travelled to a lot of countries in the last few years."

Maria works full time and is a professional, and is not in that often. She certainly isn't housebound, and didn't nurse her parents. They simply lived with her, after they sold their big 6 bed house. It just ended up being 5 years. They are only in their early 60s, and have now moved up to Scotland. They lived with her, she wasn't their carer: as I said, she is a full time working professional woman, and even since her parents left - 3 months ago - we have seen about 5 or 6 different people visit her, including one woman who stayed 3 days.

And I'm sorry, you don't 'get' my wife's angst? I am not sure what you mean by that. I can assure you that it is very much real, and is very much there. I do hope you don't have this 'get over it' 'pull yourself together' 'stop being silly,' 'what have you got to be depressed about' attitude that some people have. The reason I say this is because you seem to be implying that the angst is not real or is trivial. As I said, my wife was fine up to about 10 years ago, but struggles badly now (since her mid 40s..) with having people visiting our home. Especially people who are virtually strangers. I don't want to go into the reasons why.

Also, my wife doesn't have Maria's number to 'ring her,' and also, Maria doesn't need us to give a lift, as she has her own car, and also, we are puzzled as to why she suddenly wants to get to know her/us after over 2 years. I know her parents left 3 months ago, but still, as I said, she never bothered much before, she is a full time working professional, and she appears to have other friends. So it's all very puzzling.

Mojisola

Peter333 wrote: »

We both go to several activities in the village a few times a month too. Plus, we go to the pub once or twice a month.

She is OK if she pops out to meet people (for example at the pub or a local meet-up group,) because she can leave when she wants, but she finds it hard when people come to us, because it makes her very stressed.

Maria never goes to any of the groups or activities that we go to, and we never see her at the pub. We have never seen her in anything involving the village activities at all.

If it's bothering your wife not to reciprocate, she could tell Maria that such-and-such is on in the village and that you'll both be going.

Other than that, wait until your daughter is home and she could drop round for a chat with Maria.

Peter333

pollypenny wrote: »

Big fuss over nothing.

Just say hello, although maybe your daughter will be more friendly to her.

Thanks for the constructive reply. I did expect at least one response like this though. There always is on this forum. (And usually from the same posters.)


Thankfully, most other posters have been quite helpful and not so demeaning and sarcastic.

Peter333

Mojisola wrote: »

If it's bothering your wife not to reciprocate, she could tell Maria that such-and-such is on in the village and that you'll both be going.

Other than that, wait until your daughter is home and she could drop round for a chat with Maria.

Thanks Mojo. That idea in the first paragraph does sound like a fair idea.

But as for the second one ; my wife literally does not want to bother again, and she certainly doesn't want to sit there for 2 hours again, while Maria spends 80% of the time talking to our daughter.

Ideally, Maria could just have a coffee and a chat with our daughter, as they seemed to have more in common, but when we mentioned to her if she wanted to go around to see Maria when she came home in a few weeks, she just said 'nah, can't be bothered really; too busy.'

Tricky one.

Mojisola

Peter333 wrote: »

Ideally, Maria could just have a coffee and a chat with our daughter, as they seemed to have more in common, but when we mentioned to her if she wanted to go around to see Maria when she came home in a few weeks, she just said 'nah, can't be bothered really; too busy.'

That's what I meant - just for your daughter to see her but that's obviously not on the cards.

Peter333

HPoirot wrote: »

Some people you gel with, others you don't. Nothing wrong with carrying on as before with the "hello, nice weather" thing. If Maria mentions meeting up again though, I guess I would say something along the lines of, that would be really nice let me see when <daughter> will be here on her break. Or if that is too rude in the circumstances, I would say yes we should but be non-committal about arrangements.

Thank you

Sounds like a good idea. (if Maria 'does' say something.) But as you say, don't make any firm plans.

As someone said earlier, maybe she thought we had little in common and feels the same.

We have seen her 4 or 5 times since - in passing - and she has just waved and said hello.

My wife just feels awkward though, and that she will cause offence if she doesn't ask her, but at the same time, she is anxious about it, as she doesn't want the relationship to develop further as she feels they have nothing in common.

Neither one has done anything wrong. It's just one of those things.

(I have a feeling Maria won't mention anything though.)

Mojisola

Peter333 wrote: »

but when we mentioned to her if she wanted to go around to see Maria when she came home in a few weeks, she just said 'nah, can't be bothered really; too busy.'

Peter333 wrote: »

My wife just feels awkward though, and that she will cause offence if she doesn't ask her, but at the same time, she is anxious about it, as she doesn't want the relationship to develop further as she feels they have nothing in common.

Your wife needs to take some lessons from your daughter.

The problem really isn't Maria - it's your wife getting anxious about the situation. Has she ever had any counselling or other help to deal with her anxiety?

Peter333

Mojisola wrote: »

That's what I meant - just for your daughter to see her but that's obviously not on the cards.

No I don't think it is. I think Maria and our daughter got on OK, and as I said, she seemed to have more on common with Maria than my wife did, and Maria did ask our daughter a lot about herself, (a lot more than she asked my wife.) But at the end of the day, our daughter is not likely to want to be her 'friend,' as Maria is 43, and our daughter is a uni student! And almost a quarter century younger!

Peter333

Mojisola wrote: »

Your wife needs to take some lessons from your daughter.

The problem really isn't Maria - it's your wife getting anxious about the situation. Has she ever had any counselling or other help to deal with her anxiety?

Oh I agree 100%. As I said above, nobody has done anything wrong; it's just a awkward situation. I think my wife SHOULD just be as casual and laid back as our daughter! And just not worry so much about not asking her back. I doubt Maria even cares!

No she hasn't had counselling. She never would. Not in a million years.