Am I being unreasonable?

joyofjoys

Hi. I have registered under a different username just in case my ex's family members read this forum.


I would really like your help and some outside advise on if I am being unreasonable here. I will try and not make this too long and try to stick to the facts and not get overly emotional about it.
Basically, my ex's mom asked if she could take the kids on holiday over Christmas. Their aunt (her daughter) would also be going. Now I have always had the kids for Christmas and New Year because she always worked during those times but always made sure she visited the kids Christmas morning.
My problem is their dad who has never been on holiday with his kids has said that he will go a week before the kids and may only spend a few days with them if that and he would not be there for Christmas day. This will be his first time going to this country where his nan and granddad now live and will stay with them (I think).
Now I have a problem with this and it may be because I am more family focused than he or his mother. I have tried to explain that as this is the very first time he is going to visit his grandparents he should go with the kids and not the week before with friend and other family members. I am thinking about my kids not having Christmas day with any parent when he could at least be there. If they were going at any other time eg 6 weeks holiday I would have less of a problem with this.
The kids and I went to visit his grandparents last year, he didn't want to come with us then either.
The kids are so used to and love spending Christmas with over 30 family members to then spend it with only 4 people and non being a parent is making me feel uneasy.
No one has come back to me to tell me what date they want to go and for how long they are going and when I brought the subject up with my ex it created this argument.


Am I being silly.

mummyroysof3

Personally I wouldn't spend Christmas away from my own kids unless they were at least with their other parent if we were separated.

duchy

Access is for the non resident parent - -if the parent isn't there then I wouldn't see any reason to allow it. Aunts, grandparents etc have no legal rights . To have the children with neither parent over Christmas sounds just plain odd.

BitterAndTwisted

If the kids were used to spending Christmas with their grandparents without either parent being present, I'd say let them go, but they aren't, so that's it.

I'd be quite wary of an ex taking children abroad full stop. But it all depends on what your relationship is like and what you perceive as the possible risks.

joyofjoys

Thank you all very much for replying.
Spending Christmas without my kids will be very hard anyway but if their dad was going to be there I would feel slightly better and wouldn't have a problem with it.
I am aware that my kids are so used to having Christmas with my family and their dad has spent the day with us as his family never have a big Christmas meal, everyone prefers to work over Christmas.


If they had said they wanted to spend Christmas day here in England with them I wouldn't have a problem with that at all because it would be local.

quidsy

Just say no, they can take the kids over another time but want them to stay in UK for Christmas day itself & as ex-oh won't be with them on the day want them with you. You don't owe the ex mil anything, it's nice to have a good relationship with her but not bend over backwards to please her at your & your kids expense.

74jax

I used to let my OH's parents take my DD on holiday. She used to take my DD and her other granddaughter of the same age away each year to a Timeshare they have. Sometime DD's dad would go and other times not. I do understand what others are saying in that the access is for the none residential partner, but in our case i wanted her to go and enjoy the time with her grandma.

HOWEVER, if you want DD for Christmas and her dad doesn't mind not seing her, then of course spend Christmas with your child and DON'T feel guilty. Let the grandparent's take the child another time.

We used to alternate Christmas/New Year as we live far apart and it wasn't really an option to half the day etc, but it worked really well for us so i do understand how hard it is to be apart from your child at Christmas. To find out that your ex won't even have her for Christmas is a bit of a kick in the teeth.

As an aside, I think you should know (for sure) where you child would be when staying abroad too), not just for Christmas but as a general rule. Whenever I went away with DD or Ex did, we also made sur ethe other knew where she would be.

joyofjoys

Thanks quidsy.
I am going to have to have this conversation with his mom. I just can't get any sense out of my ex, I just feel like he is trying to say that I can't tell him when he has to go on holiday. I just don't want the kids to not be with one of us.

I will also call his nan abroad and explain that I am not happy with this. I may get a different story from her as he sometimes makes this up which is why I often get confused after having a conversation with him. He keeps telling me there is something he needs to sort out over there for her. I really don't believe it at all, he has never visited that country and she would ask his mom to deal with it anyway when she takes my kids

joyofjoys

Thanks 74jax.
My kids have been on holiday with my parents before without their dad or I but this was during the 6 weeks holidays. When my ex's mom asked to take them away on holiday over the summer I was fine with that and didn't have an issue with it at all. Unfortunately, she didn't take them anywhere and quite often makes these suggestions but doesn't follow them through. She didn't even come back to me to say that she had changed her mind.
I am beginning to feel like that she thinks she can just organise this without involving me which is making me feel very uneasy.

sulphate

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all, I wouldn't be happy either.

I would just tell them "I'm really sorry but I'm not comfortable with the kids spending Christmas without one of their parents there" and leave it at that.

Peter333

Can't add a lot really, except to say that I would be less than chuffed.

Say no.