Defeatist attitude anybody??

Callie22

A lot of very gifted/ talented children can have problems with perfectionism, and can think that if they're not doing something perfectly then they're either no good, or that it isn't worth doing whatever it was they were doing. It might be worth speaking to them to reassure them that they don't have to be perfect and doing their best is enough.

Or it can sometimes be the case that people who have been told they're 'good' at something think that they don't necessarily need to put the effort in, and so don't do well. That can be a bit of a nightmare for gifted children, and they can get stuck in a loop where they think that they shouldn't have to try because they're good at x, and then when they don't do as well as they think they should their confidence gets knocked. It can be a problem when children get to a certain level where everyone is very good and they find, for the first time, that they have to start working to keep up. Again, it can be helped by having a chat and explaining that even people who are very good at something still generally have to rehearse/practice etc, and it's not necessarily a bad thing to find something challenging.

balletshoes

little-spender wrote: »

The child is now a 13 and its basically been like this from about 8( There wasn't really any situations before that age where it would be apparent) ,

We have no input into them as they are not near us, they are usually doing their sport, So we are looking from afar. but can tell exactly where they put their head down as it's very apparent. They can be winning by clear margins, but when this little hiccup happens, they can be totally thrashed

yes, I have one of these, she is also 13, her subject of torment is Maths, always has been, and probably always will be. She gives up, its literally like the shutters come down and the lights go off.

Because its an academic issue, I can help her (I have discussed it with her maths teacher, I can be around to help her research if she doesn't understand her homework etc).

How does your child feel about their sport and the competitive aspect of it? Maybe they just don't enjoy the "it matters who wins" part, I used to be like in my teens. I'd put pressure on myself, end up making a mistake, and then make more mistakes as my opponent(s) caught up with me, then I'd lose. Those sports that used to make me feel like that, I now enjoy as an adult, because I'm no longer competing with anyone.

theoretica

There is a book, The Inner Game of Tennis which might be worth reading - for you or for you both. I found the similar book on music too long and a bit tedious but had a couple of useful points. Helped me stop spending so much time fretting over the last wrong note I kept going wrong again - which might look defeatest from the outside.

PasturesNew

If you're always told you could have done better, it makes you feel worse. What's the point of trying if you're never going to be good enough...?

BucksLady

The fear of failure can be difficult to handle for both children and adults alike - maybe that's why it's sometimes easier not to bother at all, and this is then perceived as a defeatist's attitude.

iammumtoone

I have a defiest seven year old, like you I can't understand it. He is a very bright child at the things he wants to do and can do, anything he can't do then he is not interested and won't even try. He has to be good at everything and gets extremely mad if it doesn't look that is going to happen. He hates losing and would rather not play if he thinks he will lose.

There is a part on his Lego Xbox game where you have to race against time to find the correct parts. Whenever he gets to this bit before he starts he waits until the time runs outs before he starts, this is so he can take his time and not put himself under the time pressure. I actually thought this was a very intelligent idea of his.

I am hoping he will grow out of it.

RuthnJasper

PasturesNew wrote: »

If you're always told you could have done better, it makes you feel worse. What's the point of trying if you're never going to be good enough...?

That very neatly sums up the issues I have been dealing with. PN, you could save people vast fortunes in counselling fees!

theoretica

Also if you always praise someone for doing well, or being clever/talented it can make them less willing to attempt hard things and take risks of failure rather than praise for effort/work/trying.

[Deleted User]

If you give a person a task which they can't succeed at, they will try at it for just so long before they learn that they can't succeed, and give up. It's what psychologists call learned helplessness, and all species exhibit the behaviour because it's neither rational nor a survival strategy to waste resources on impossible tasks.

The problem can arise when such scenarios occur too frequently, because there is then a danger that an individual will generalise the behaviour, and learn that he can't succeed at anything. Once that occurs, people won't attempt a task even when they can succeed.

I'd be looking to see if there are any examples of where your child has been subjected to repeated failures. Bullying at school, perhaps?

http://psychology.about.com/od/lindex/f/earned-helplessness.htm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Learned_helplessness

FBaby

Oh yes.... that's my DS, except he has always been like this. When he was a toddler, he was quite clingy and shyed away from anything he wasn't familiar with. The defeatist attitude grew from this and now at almost 12, it is starting to become very apparent.

I have thought a lot about this because me and his sister is the total opposite, very confident and a' go for it, I'll prove them' attitude. What I have realised is that deep inside, he is an extremely passionate person who is very determined, but because of his lack of confidence, when things don't go as he hoped/expected, he takes it harshly on himself and convince himself he is worthless.

I spend a lot of time and energy reminding him of his abilities, that everyone fails before succeeding and the real test of success is not how well you do right away, but how much you keep going until you do succeed. I have to give him a lot of encouragement and sometimes, I have to push him to do things he doesn't want to do (as ultimately, he always end up being happy that he did it), unlike his sister who will jump at everything that comes her way whilst being self aware of her limits, so pushing her would be worse thing to do with her!!

It is hard work and quite draining, but the idea of him becoming a defeatist adult does worry me, so I will continue to provide him the emotional support so that his confidence can grow and he can learn not to give things up too early.