Defeatist attitude anybody??

little-spender

Totally driving me crazy
I have a talented child in a few things but they have a defeatist attitude.
The least little hiccup and their attitude and persona changes and they take on this cant do it so why bother, which is a little vicious circle as they put their head down they get less ability , thus it comes back to the cant do it, why bother

Anyone like this or has a child who has successfully beaten it with help before becoming an adult.

tomtontom

How old is the child? How do you react when they have a hiccup? I find children's reactions are largely driven by their parents.

RuthnJasper

I had that attitude - and still do to a certain degree. I needed a LOT of help though; over many years. You don't mention how old your child is, but I wonder if a chat with a GP (without you there, just so they feel they can speak more freely) might help?

I'm not suggesting that there is anything wrong with you or your child, but there certainly was with me and I will always be grateful for the help I have received.

This said, however, sometimes it is very difficult for a parent to understand that their child's mindset is different to their own and sometimes attempts to 'persuade' the child to think the same way as the parent can be perceived as criticism.

I wish you all the very best, and your child too. x

thatgirlsam

Interesting! I have a child who can be very negative. He is 9. He tends to focus on what he hasn't got, not what he has got. For an example we went to a theme park last year and in the car on the way home he talked about which rides he HADN'T been on! We all talked about what we had been on and which we liked the best etc. He did so after some encouragement but his first thought was to focus on what he missed out on. He is also defeatist in his attitude to school work. If he can't do it straight away he would prefer to give up.


This is all totally alien to me, no-one else in my family is like this! Although his father is similar. I don't understand how to deal with it sometimes and I worry that he will become an unhappy adult!


Having said all that he is a sweet kind loving boy without a malicious bone in his body, he's not all bad!!


Interested to read other peoples replies to your thread, thanks OP!

little-spender

The child is now a 13 and its basically been like this from about 8( There wasn't really any situations before that age where it would be apparent) ,

We have no input into them as they are not near us, they are usually doing their sport, So we are looking from afar. but can tell exactly where they put their head down as it's very apparent. They can be winning by clear margins, but when this little hiccup happens, they can be totally thrashed

j.e.j.

(slightly tongue-in cheek, but that's the way the OP came across..)

BigAunty

Perhaps they don't actually enjoy the activities they are talented in so sabotage their efforts?

Perhaps they lack confidence in general so when it comes to things that you are most likely to focus on (their 'talent') they compare themselves with others and find themselves wanting but you just notice it a lot more with this kind of activity?

fozziebeartoo

I'm like that and I am 55.......:o

little-spender

Jet...I dont really know what tiger mum is, but I assume a bit like pushy mum.....LOL far from it . I don't think that you really understand what a defeatist attitude is.

They have decided the activities not us , When I say talent, I mean that it is just something they are natural good at ...not something I have had to tutor them at, from 4.

The activities do not bother us...It is more about how they are able to cope as adults as this must not be a good way to be and must really hold you back as an adult.

Big Aunty...It is in nearly everything, not just sports.

Buffythedebtslayer

Ok. bit nuts but here is my suggestion


Show the child by example that it is ok fail. stuff things up, burn the dinner, break something.


then


cook a new dinner or fix the thing, try again and succeed. Even tho you tell kids it is ok and it doesn't matter they often don't believe you, showing them and showing the results and you BEING OK with it is proof. the hiccups don't matter.


I appreciate that is a bit nuts but I do it in lessons, especially with spelling to improve vocab, give them the chance to try and fail, try again and succeed.

RuthnJasper

little-spender wrote: »

Jet...I dont really know what tiger mum is, but I assume a bit like pushy mum.....LOL far from it . I don't think that you really understand what a defeatist attitude is.

They have decided the activities not us , When I say talent, I mean that it is just something they are natural good at ...not something I have had to tutor them at, from 4.

The activities do not bother us...It is more about how they are able to cope as adults as this must not be a good way to be and must really hold you back as an adult.

Big Aunty...It is in nearly everything, not just sports.

I know it can be very trying - but do keep in mind that the person we are at 13 can often be very, very different to the person we are at, say, 28.

I wonder if someone (maybe a teacher or pupil) said something to him when he was 8 that he's never mentioned but has taken too much to heart? Sometimes, all it can take is a single thoughtless word or phrase - possibly even forgotten over time - that is keeping him back from setting himself up for what he deems to be more "failure"?

The idea of quietly deliberately "failing" and dealing with it is a good one. Hints and gentle encouragement can often be more helpful than a direct face-to-face conversation.

Good luck. x