First time mum...Starting maternity leave and freaking out

GlamGirlie

monkeyfish2014 wrote: »

Hi everyone,


We have no childcare help as we do not have family nearby. My husband earns a good wage and we can afford to live on one income with some adjustments. If I went back to work I could get a comfortable income and we can save some.


Also, is it unreasonable to ask my husband for a small monthly "salary" for the work I do from home? After having been stuck in debt on the past, I feel terrible being unable to add to my rainy day savings because I'm no longer earning money of my own.

I hope I am making sense...

If you are staying at home do you need chilldcare help, other than for when you have interview? On interview days, could your husband not work from home/take a day's annual leave?

As for house-keeping from your husband, that is down to each couple individually, but in my opinion surely that is what your savings are for!

Your savings are a reasonable level given your recent debts, you have to remember what you've actually saved that money for.

monkeyfish2014

waterbaby wrote: »

Just popped back to say, if you do go for the £x per month from him, please don't call it a salary, because it implies that he is the boss and you are his employee!

Also, we have found that our financial management has merged gradually, different things have just seemed sensible at different times.

For example we've recently created a joint savings pot for our cars, rather than paying separately. That's come about because now we drive whichever car suits the occasion (who's got the kids), rather than 'our own', and as we have the same personal income (the £300), it doesn't make sense for one person to be landed with a hefty bill and the other not contribute.

Yes one could pay the other some money... just can't be bothered with operating like that!

Hi waterbaby,

Thanks for your reply. We do have a joint account for all household related, car expenses etc. We do have a small pot of joint savings of about £3,000 in the Santander 1-2-3 account to earn the 3% interest.

All this time, the bulk of our individual savings have been pretty much kept separate although we both have a rough idea of how much the other has. He has substantially more than me, having never been in debt, wise with money and a bit of a "penny pincher" in a good way.

Re: the monthly amount, I won't call it a salary, but maybe some housekeeping money if we do go for the option. I am very reluctant to ask though. I hate asking anyone for money! I might start selling things on ebay as a way to earn myself some savings money. Still trying to figure out what to sell!

monkeyfish2014

gayleygoo wrote: »

Joint finances are very individual to every couple, so what works for me (or anyone else) may not be the solution for you.

How you and your OH split your finances depends on lots of things, like if he can afford to cover all the household bills plus giving you an "allowance" (for lack of a better word). Does he have savings too? You have some excellent savings, are those earmarked for anything? (You don't have to say on here, just consider it yourself). If not, you might be able to give yourself an allowance from the savings - even £100 a month for a year could be enough for a few personal treats without putting a serious dent in your savings.

If he gives you money, maybe it could be worked out as "housekeeping", maybe an old fashioned term now, but you could work out an amount you get to cover certain expenses like groceries, bills you pay, baby stuff etc, plus some extra for yourself. If everything was to come out of his wages anyway, decide together what would be an acceptable budget for you to spend on yourself - really it should be about the same he would expect to spend on himself and his own hobbies. I think £200-£300 a month is quite a lot to be spending on personal wants for one person, but then that really depends on your OH's income, household spends and what you both plan to save. Dropping one income means you will likely have to spend less than you did with both incomes. You seem very sensible though, so I'm sure you didn't need me to say that

Find out what you might be entitled to in tax credits and child benefit so you can work out what you will be living on once the baby comes.

I am a SAHM so most of the housework, cooking etc falls to me, but maternity leave is quite different. Most of your time will be spent with your baby, so IMO the housework and cooking etc should still be shared out fairly rather than all left to you. For that reason I wouldn't ask your OH for a "salary"as such My two children could cost me £1500+ a month in childcare if I worked, but obviously OH can't "pay" me that either!

Don't worry about returning to work yet, it's a long way off! You don't know how you'll feel in a year, you may want to go back part time or decide that staying at home is what you want!

Hi Gayleygoo,

We share all household bills and car expenses, have a modest amount of joint savings but mainly keep individual savings separate.

His wage alone could cover all our household expenses if we lived sensibly. We are not eligible for child benefit or tax credits due to our incomes. However, I know we are very lucky that we are both high earners and many people up and down the country get by with far, far less financially.

Regarding the savings that I have, it is not earmarked for anything. Indeed, I would rather they were not touched at all. I'm just afraid of not having any money now, having slogged to pay off £50+k debts with no help - back then, I didn't tell a soul that I was in debt. Just worked extra hard and became a social recluse to clear it down. Being quite a self reliant type to being financially dependent on OH is a big mindset change.

As I've had to leave my job due to my contract ending, I'm not formally on maternity leave, but will technically be a SAHM until such time I decide to hunt for a new job, if at all.

I think whatever I do in a year's time, will definitely not be what I do now. The hours OH and I do now just wouldn't work as we would never get to see our little one for any length of time at all.

As some of the other ladies on here have said, the next few months is going to be a journey and an adventure. It's going to be a ride!

monkeyfish2014

GlamGirlie wrote: »

If you are staying at home do you need chilldcare help, other than for when you have interview? On interview days, could your husband not work from home/take a day's annual leave?

As for house-keeping from your husband, that is down to each couple individually, but in my opinion surely that is what your savings are for!

Your savings are a reasonable level given your recent debts, you have to remember what you've actually saved that money for.

Hi Glamgirlie,

If I will be at home, then no, I don't need childcare help. The only reason I stated that we have no childcare help is that I'm currently taking the cost of childcare into account if we did decide it would be best for me to return to work. It's like paying for the privilege of a paid job, and considering whether it's worthwhile.

I suppose my husband could take a day's leave when I have an interview. My in laws have volunteered to drive the 80 miles to help too where required. I think it's just me and my mindset that needs changing. I am reluctant to impose and when my husband takes annual leave or my in laws come by just because I have an interview, I would feel an extra pressure to "score" the job, just so their time isn't wasted. I work in Financial Services like yourself, where multiple interviews for a single role are the norm.

Due to my past reckless financial ways, I've now swung the other way and would really rather not touch my savings so having to dip into it is quite a mindset change. I still plan to save 100% of my SMP if possible.

clw1

Like you before kids OH and I kept our finances slightly seperate ie we shared bills but kept savings / personal spend seperate.

But once we knew we were having a baby we discussed this and changed it so that all income went into 1 joint account, we both got equal amounts for personal spend and left over money went into a joint savings account. Perhaps it's worth sitting down with your OH to discuss how to look after money now esp as having a baby is a big change in lifestyle for both of you.

Good luck !

Kynthia

You need to talk to your OH about finances, and other things that are going to change. You are becoming a family and both of you will be contributing financially and non-financially in different but equally valid ways. Many people end up combining finances when having children as it makes sense, you can't have one of the couple with lots of money and the other with none. It's healthy to discuss these things and discuss possible solutions.

Also when you have a baby you need to learn to accept help. It's hard and there's no need to make it harder, plus most family will want to be involved and help.

JustThisOnce

I know the last post on this was a week ago, but I really felt for you, so thought I'd see if I could add any value at all to these really good responses.

Firstly, I hope you're now off work, feet up, high-stress role behind you and blood pressure easing off a bit - I can't help but feel having to deal with work and a difficult pregnancy wasn't helping with your anxiety levels!

Secondly, you're completely right that a lot of this is down to mindset rather than practical problems. Not having money appear in your own account every month does take quite an adjustment. But I'm more than a little concerned that you seem to feel that being on maternity leave/stopping work means that you're not contributing to your household at all. I really hope I got that wrong

For the next 9 or so weeks, you are growing a WHOLE person, as well as getting the rest you'll need in order to be able to look after them.

After that, you'll be doing full-time childcare (round-the-clock for at least a few weeks, probably a few months!). If it helps, look up what childcare costs - your financial contribution may be invisible, but it's definitely substantial. After that, you'll find that if you're at home and your partner's at work, you'll be doing the majority of household tasks - that's also a contribution (raise your hand if you're a bolshie SAHM - that would be me...).

Re finances, it's up to each couple to decide, obviously, but we do it like this: everything my husband earns goes into the joint pot, which pays all the bills. We're lucky to have a steady income, so I know how much is left over each month. A proportion of that is hived off and divided equally between us. And we can do what we like with that money - no questions asked. We also have four months' worth of money for bills stacked away - it's meant to cover my husband being unable to work, but actually we'd be almost as stuck if I couldn't look after my daughter (through illness, for example). That's also why both our lives are insured, not just his.

Re going back to work, that's up to you. You may feel very strongly one way or the other after six to nine months. Never worry about 'imposing' on your husband or in-laws if you have an interview. New grandparents are often more than happy to come and take baby off your hands for a day, and your husband may feel much the same about getting to spend some time with his son or daughter! If you were finding your job too high-stress, you may not want to go back to the same kind of situation - just a thought...

If I can get all psychological for a minute, I think that getting yourself out of that incredible amount of debt and then saving on top of that (seriously impressed :A) has made you very independent when it comes to money. It must be quite frightening to think about 'taking' for a change. But if you can think of it as a different kind of 'earning', I honestly think it'll help.

JTO

summerday

Hi,

Firstly congratulations on your pregnancy

Lots of great advice already.

If and when you have job interviews, if you make good friends with other mums locally through the NcT, baby groups etc, you will hopefully have got to know and trust a couple of them by then to ask if they would mind caring for your baby as well for a half day for an interview? Perhaps you could offer to babysit for them for an evening in return?

You've done so well getting out of debt and amassing your savings, so I'm sure you are good at cutting back and living frugally. But I've read a couple of good books about having a baby on a budget that may be worth a read: How to afford time off with your children, and The resourceful mums handbook.

My husband transfers the vast majority of his earnings into the joint account to be treated as our whole family's money.

Best of luck.