First time mum...Starting maternity leave and freaking out

monkeyfish2014

Hi everyone,

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post. Basically I am 35, in a high stress role that I absolutely cannot cope with and has caused me some health issues (high blood pressure, severe exhaustion, SPD amongst others)

So at 30 weeks pregnant with my first baby, I'm leaving work. I only get SMP from the government and no other employee benefits such as paid sick time.

I used to be flippant with money in my 20's and was almost £50k in debt. A few years ago I managed to pay it off and have now got £20k in cash savings and another £20k in SIPP.

I am freaking out at the prospect of having no income (other than SMP), no job to go back to. It is a paradox because even though I hate my job so much I like the financial security. £20k savings to me is really little.

We have no childcare help as we do not have family nearby. My husband earns a good wage and we can afford to live on one income with some adjustments. If I went back to work I could get a comfortable income and we can save some.

Did any of you mums have to go out and interview for new jobs when your little ones were 9 months / a year old? How did you manage this without any childcare support?

Also, is it unreasonable to ask my husband for a small monthly "salary" for the work I do from home? After having been stuck in debt on the past, I feel terrible being unable to add to my rainy day savings because I'm no longer earning money of my own.

I hope I am making sense...

fozziebeartoo

I had no childcare support or help.

Went back to work when my DD's were 6 weeks old and they went to a childminder.

No option if I wanted to keep a roof over our heads.

I used to walk from the childminders to the bus stop everyday, bawling my eyes out!

I hated leaving them, still am so sad that I had to and they are in their 20's now.

We all find ways to manage and so will you.

And no I don't think sharing finances (OH helping you financially) should be any sort of problem.

Its not as if you want to be a kept woman (by your partner or the state) for ever, like some people do.

MrsC....tobe

Hi monkeyfish, firstly congratulations on the pregnancy. Why don't you pop over the the other threads and join us, there's a lot of advice going on there.
Instead of completely finishing work just now is there any way that you can stay employed and get signed off by the doctor for the moment? I'm currently 34 weeks and have been signed off due to various pregnancy problems. My maternity leave will automatically start at 36 weeks but I will still be getting the maternity package from work. If you were able to do something like this then you'd have the option of going back to the same job or leaving later (subject to maybe having to pay back maternity leave). As they always say, it's easier to get a job when you've got a job so it might be better for you to go back afterwards and then make the break thereafter if you feel that you can't keep on working in that job.
I'm not sure what else to suggest but I know where yours coming from regards the money and financial independence and not getting into debt etc. I'm going back to work after 7 months, whether I stay there remains to be seen though.....

Icey77

monkeyfish2014 wrote: »

Also, is it unreasonable to ask my husband for a small monthly "salary" for the work I do from home? After having been stuck in debt on the past, I feel terrible being unable to add to my rainy day savings because I'm no longer earning money of my own.

I hope I am making sense...

Not having your own money is a tough one to adjust to!
I went from a well paid job to maternity leave to resigning to be a SAHM once we realised that DH shifts would result in our children not seeing either of us for more than an hour a day for days on end

Now we have one income, DH hands the monthly shopping and diesel budget over to me on payday and it's up to me to balance the books on this whilst still getting some treats in ... not always the easiest task.

He tells me to spend "our" money as I wish from the joint account but nearly 3 years and 2 children later I still find this difficult as I haven't "earned" the money. The upside of this I don't spend money willy nilly anymore, if I really want something I will consider it for a while before buying it (if it's a lot of money I will check with DH first obviously).

Despite being home all day on maternity leave with a baby you really have to work at it to spend lots of money! Most activities with a new or small baby are free or very inexpensive. If you are doing the NCT course or another similar thing it's a great way to meet soon to be parents and if you click you will end up seeing a lot of each other. I still see my NCT group every week - out kids are friends and we live close to each other, 4 of the 6 now have second babies or are pregnant with second babies so it's likely we will still see a lot of each other for a while to come.

Sorry, got side tracked a bit there!

I'm not so sure a "salary" is a great idea to be honest. If you and/or baby are having a hard few days things can slip in spectacular fashion and the house can be a tip in hours. If DH is paying you a salary an expectation might be created which when things are tough and you need a hand could lead to irritation or I'll feeling when the expectation isn't met ... if that makes any sense?

Good luck with your pregnancy, i hope it's an easy one for you!! xx

Make-it-3

You have £20K in savings and a husband with a good salary that you can both live on (with minor adjustments). This is a very fortunate position.

Seems to me its more about an adjustment in thinking. You are moving into the stage of your relationship where you are no longer a couple but a family unit. You and your husband will be working together to provide for your baby. Your husband financially and you by caring for the child. Please don't under estimate the value of your role. Don't demean it by suggesting that it should come with a salary attached. Once you are up all night with a crying baby no salary will seem high enough, but also your job will never have been so rewarding.

Back to the finances, its about organising what comes in so that the bills are paid and then whether you want to have separate pots for individual personal spends/savings or just keep everything joint.

Readjusting from career girl to SAHM will take time, there is no need to make decisions about when to return to work at the moment. Becoming a mum may change your perspective completely.

If you do decide to return and you have no family to help with childcare you will do what countless other mums (many who have no choice) but find a childminder or nursery to look after your child.

waterbaby

I am not working at the moment, I'm looking after our children full time.

The money from my husband's employment is the only income. I get a monthly allowance of £300 to cover personal spending and petrol. But, so does he. £300, same as me. The rest is joint money, to be spent on bills, children and whatever else we decide together.By the way, we call it an allowance jokingly, only as we can't think of another word!
In fact, as I am the main carer for the children, it is entirely normal for me to spend from the joint account without consulting him. I also manage the money day to day - recently I informed him that he was going down from £400 per month to £300, as we needed to build up some money for unexpected car bills.

Make-it-3 is spot on, you are a family unit. He provides income, you childcare (in the first few months). If you don't feel like you are providing, have a look at the cost of a full time baby nursery place. It's around the £900/month mark at the one my 3 year old goes to. You will be providing hundreds of pounds worth of childcare; if you weren't there, OH would have to pay that.

Job interviews - I would honestly say, don't concern yourself with the logistics of getting to a job interview, until you get to that stage.You are about to go on a journey, and you don't know who you are going to meet, how your situation will change, etc. With kids, the situation you envisaged is often not the one that you arrive at, and all the thinking/worrying was in vain!

monkeyfish2014

Thank you ladies, for the kind advice. I appreciate that I am in a fortunate position of having some savings. I suppose having been stupid in the past and had debt collectors harrass me, it has made me more aware of the perils of living on the edge, financially.

I would love to be able to have the doctor sign me off. In fact, my midwife suggested I start maternity early as it was so clear I was struggling with pain, walking and with blood pressure issues.

Unfortunately, I am in a fixed term contract with no benefits so no paid sick time and no company maternity benefits. So whether I were to get signed off or start maternity would make absolutely no difference financially. The only bonus about my job is the relatively high pay. I pretty much dislike everything else. Also, the company is not required to keep my role open for me so if I want to go back into the world of paid work, it will have to be a new job or starting my own business.

I intend to be a SAHM for the first 9 months to a year, if possible, as both OH and I think it will be beneficial for our baby to have a parent at home with them full time.

When I was referring to a "salary", I was actually thinking of something like £200 - £300 per month so I can save up and occasionally have a haircut, lunch with friends, buy birthday presents etc without feeling like I don't have a right to spend the family money because I haven't "earned" it. Of course logically, I would have - as childcare services cost an awful lot of money so that is the value I'm providing. Icey77 - I also see your point about the potential pitfalls of asking for a "salary" though.

I have joined NCT on the advice of some colleagues - let's hope there are some mums with whom I can click

Thanks again!

katiegizmo

After a very short time of being a mum you will not be worrying that you have earned that treat!!! You will have earned it tenfold! :rotfl:

I did not go back to my previous job after my mat leave as it was high pressured and I did not feel I could give it 100%, plus a long commute, hardly seeing my lo - it would not work for me.

Instead I looked for part time work when lo was 16ish months and found there was not much part time work that compared anywhere near the job I had previously. I had a long loooong think and decided that for a few years I will take a lower wage in return for a stress-free job that doesn't give me grief if I have to stay off because there is a s&d outbreak or signs of chickenpox etc.

If you look for full time, there are lots more opportunities but you really have to weigh up the pros and cons of more money/stress vs naving time with your lo

I would just wait and see - you have time on your side as you have savings etc. See how you enjoy being at home and know there are a million options out there, you just may have to compromise for a while.

Also, whilst pg and for a while after giving birth is not the time to make important decisions if you can help it. Two things - sleep deprivation and hormones. My head was all over the place for months (some would stay it still is!:))

monkeyfish2014

Thanks Katiegizmo. I really appreciate it!

waterbaby

Just popped back to say, if you do go for the £x per month from him, please don't call it a salary, because it implies that he is the boss and you are his employee!

Also, we have found that our financial management has merged gradually, different things have just seemed sensible at different times.

For example we've recently created a joint savings pot for our cars, rather than paying separately. That's come about because now we drive whichever car suits the occasion (who's got the kids), rather than 'our own', and as we have the same personal income (the £300), it doesn't make sense for one person to be landed with a hefty bill and the other not contribute.

Yes one could pay the other some money... just can't be bothered with operating like that!

gayleygoo

Joint finances are very individual to every couple, so what works for me (or anyone else) may not be the solution for you.

How you and your OH split your finances depends on lots of things, like if he can afford to cover all the household bills plus giving you an "allowance" (for lack of a better word). Does he have savings too? You have some excellent savings, are those earmarked for anything? (You don't have to say on here, just consider it yourself). If not, you might be able to give yourself an allowance from the savings - even £100 a month for a year could be enough for a few personal treats without putting a serious dent in your savings.

If he gives you money, maybe it could be worked out as "housekeeping", maybe an old fashioned term now, but you could work out an amount you get to cover certain expenses like groceries, bills you pay, baby stuff etc, plus some extra for yourself. If everything was to come out of his wages anyway, decide together what would be an acceptable budget for you to spend on yourself - really it should be about the same he would expect to spend on himself and his own hobbies. I think £200-£300 a month is quite a lot to be spending on personal wants for one person, but then that really depends on your OH's income, household spends and what you both plan to save. Dropping one income means you will likely have to spend less than you did with both incomes. You seem very sensible though, so I'm sure you didn't need me to say that

Find out what you might be entitled to in tax credits and child benefit so you can work out what you will be living on once the baby comes.

I am a SAHM so most of the housework, cooking etc falls to me, but maternity leave is quite different. Most of your time will be spent with your baby, so IMO the housework and cooking etc should still be shared out fairly rather than all left to you. For that reason I wouldn't ask your OH for a "salary"as such My two children could cost me £1500+ a month in childcare if I worked, but obviously OH can't "pay" me that either!

Don't worry about returning to work yet, it's a long way off! You don't know how you'll feel in a year, you may want to go back part time or decide that staying at home is what you want!