Grrrr tough day ahead!

CH27

Counting_Pennies wrote: »

Thanks all for your replies.


I am sorely tempted not to go but it is the only event that has ever been arranged that is outside the prison of one of their homes (where they brag about their latest disability gadget!) I am encouraged not to send birthday presents as they just want money, I sent a cheque and a magazine subscription for one a few years ago and I got a letter back asking if I could refund the subscription and send them the cash. So when I visited last time, I was informed the latest cheque was to pay for the latest disability walker that folds down flat, two perfectly good ones are already in the house.


I have invited them to visit me but they say it is too far, I have tried to suggest things to do locally to them, but it is not suitable for them apparently. This event is a two hour drive from all our homes, coming from various different points around the country but they don't see the irony of the fact I am only 1 hour away from them.


I know it will be good for my children to have the memory of an outing with my side of the family. We have plenty with my husbands side but there has been nothing in 20 years with my side.


So I will need to suck it up!


It is just I have already had an exchange by text this evening informing me of the mini bus and their arrival and entry into the park leaving us to sort ourselves out, and I have sent back a blunt response. I shouldn't it makes me into that teenager again, but my goodness I want to scream and shout and rage, but it is me that is in the wrong and it all becomes focused on me. They never see they are contributing to my frustration.


So I will try to put on a steely smile, but I can see I am going to want to say it was unfair of them not to include me, and to think I would have liked to join in. I know it will go wrong if I do. That there will never be a platform for me to raise how I feel, as it will all come out with me being in the wrong and not to be silly, because it always has ended up that way when I have tried to raise it.


Oh goodness a difficult day ahead.


Thanks all for your responses

It won't do your children any good to see their mum ignored or belittled.

Counting_Pennies_2

dancingfairy wrote: »

Sorry but if you haven't had contact with them for the last 20 years I can't see anything changing and I can't see that your children will benefit, unless of course it's to prove your family are self-centered and not nice to be around.
You'd be better off spending your time and energy within your family unit rather than trying to spend time with people who you happen to be related to but don't seem to have anything in common with and who you don't get on with.
I hope you get through the day o.k though.
df

The last 20 years I have gradually reduced my visits to them from once a month to now approximately twice a year for their birthdays. There is still the belief that we are one happy family and I am the black sheep!


To my children I want them to think it is a functional family unit. The times we visit I want them to see the best sides of them. My belief is if they see the best in what life is giving they will behave that way themselves. I want them to believe we are a functioning family unit. So I just need to steel myself and just get on with it.

Errata

c'mon sweetie, you know they're all nutjobs, you'll get no sense out of them, big smile and agree with everything they say they'll be gobsmacked and you'll have the upper hand.

Savvy_Sue

I think I'd go, but be unable to find the rest of the family / keep missing them while giving my children a great day out.

victory

Counting_Pennies wrote: »

The last 20 years I have gradually reduced my visits to them from once a month to now approximately twice a year for their birthdays. There is still the belief that we are one happy family and I am the black sheep!


To my children I want them to think it is a functional family unit. The times we visit I want them to see the best sides of them. My belief is if they see the best in what life is giving they will behave that way themselves. I want them to believe we are a functioning family unit. So I just need to steel myself and just get on with it.

I can understand you want your kids to see the best of their extended families but they must know you and them do not see them from one year to the next, is it not that you more than anything want to believe that you have a functioning family unit, that you miss it, crave it, hanker after it and maybe need to come to terms yourself with the fact that you do not have one and make the most of the beautiful family unit you have created and do have?

Savvy_Sue

Counting_Pennies wrote: »

To my children I want them to think it is a functional family unit. The times we visit I want them to see the best sides of them. My belief is if they see the best in what life is giving they will behave that way themselves. I want them to believe we are a functioning family unit. So I just need to steel myself and just get on with it.

but you are NOT a functioning family unit, and frankly I don't think it's worth the effort of pretending otherwise! I don't know how old your children are, but they'd have to be very young not to understand that one grandma and granddad are easier to visit than another.

I think mine were pre-teen when I realised that visits to FIL would be much less stressful if I reminded them on the way up there that they needed to make sure Granddad was facing them and listening when they tried to speak to him; that they had to speak clearly and not mumble or look down, and that they HAD to make the effort to speak to him!

I never had to labour this point when we went to visit my parents, even though my mother is a lot deafer and has been for a lot longer than FIL. But FIL makes a big deal - unreasonably so IMO - if he doesn't hear what you say the first time you say it.

We've been through various times when visits have been very difficult: FIL fell out with DH at one point, and neither of us knows what he did wrong, it may even have been something FIL misheard. My mother's still extremely difficult to visit, for reasons apart from the deafness. The boys know - and have known since they were small - that visiting either side isn't a relaxed let-your-hair-down time.

But they also know that their grandparents love them. If your parents DON'T love your children, then it's just not worth it.

victory wrote: »

I can understand you want your kids to see the best of their extended families but they must know you and them do not see them from one year to the next, is it not that you more than anything want to believe that you have a functioning family unit, that you miss it, crave it, hanker after it and maybe need to come to terms yourself with the fact that you do not have one and make the most of the beautiful family unit you have created and do have?

I thoroughly agree.

I'm guessing the day's been and gone. How was it?

Person_one

C_P, I barely did anything with one side of my family all through my childhood, trust me it was absolutely no loss. Your children won't be missing out at all, in fact they may well thank you in years to come. I'm certainly grateful to my parents for protecting me from the unpleasantness that has done so much harm to others in the family over the years.

Honestly, just don't go. DNA is pretty meaningless in the grand scheme of things, and it sounds like your children have got plenty of people who genuinely care for them and aren't horrible to their mum.

minimacka

Did you go OP and if you did how did it go?