Family and becoming an ex-pat

tealady

Hi
It is possible your dad is scared for you and doesn't know how to show it.
However you have a chance to do something you really want so you must grab that chance with both hands - no matter what as that chance may never come your way again. Perhaps you dad is thinking "if only" IMO the saddest phrase in the English language.
Re the rug, let it go, it is only stuff at the end of the day and you will be having something much better to replace it, ie living through experience not existing through things.

purpleshoes_2

Gigglepig wrote: »

Congratulations OP Sounds like an adventure.

They don't sound supportive, have they explained why? Giving them the benefit of doubt, one thing that could possibly explain the lack of enthusiasm would be if there is a history of starting project after project which then fall through. Another could be if they needed help with the disabled sibling.

It seems a bit odd to me that a 31yo would expect their mum to be concerned about how they will deal with spending their birthday away from them. It would not cross my mind. On the other hand, I would be thinking about how my parents would cope with the sibling with down's syndrome, and how christmas etc would be for that sibling.

I would also gladly give my mother my rug or clothes that I could not bring - especially a parent that has been kind enough to let me live at home despite being an adult. Sounds a little bit petty and ungrateful to me - these sort of feelings won't make anyone happy.

I may be wrong, but I think the relationship has had with her mum in particular hasn't always been that positive and not due to the OP herself.

conradmum

I think your resentment about your mother's lack of interest is coloring your feelings about giving her the rug. It's hard when our families don't live up to what's portrayed as normal, i.e. loving and supportive. But plenty of parents aren't like that, and you can either waste your time getting upset about it or just accept they're never going to the chocolate box parents some other people have and get on with your life.

It's just a rug. Give your mother it if she wants it so much. After a year or longer in Korea you probably won't even remember what it looks like.

You mentioned your sister has Down's Syndrome. Maybe that partially explains your mother's behaviour? It must be hard to raise a child with disabilities and it could make some people more selfish in other areas of their lives.

Anyway, you've done brilliantly to move on and be adventurous in your life. It's sad that some of the people closest to you can't join in on the excitement, but don't let it mar your experience. Put it behind you and focus your energies on the people who are a positive force in your life.

I read a great quote from Maya Angelou:
When people show you who they are, believe them, the first time.

PenguinJim

top_drawer wrote: »

Hello

This is completely irrelevant to moneysaving most likely but I could do with a little support and to let off some steam.

I've managed to land a job teaching English in Seoul, South Korea in a public school after having spent months (saving for and then) studying for a CELTA / saving up set up money and preparing for a new life different using the services of a life coach. I'm chuffed to bits as I have the agency I wanted (and thought I was too under qualified / inexperienced to stand a chance) and also the city too. I'm very excited and feel ready to tackle things on a practical level.

However, I'm finding my family to be a very difficult in that they are just not interested. I told my Dad around 4 weeks ago that I had been offered the position. He became increasingly frustrated as I "wasn't prepared" according to his very defined definition and became angry when talking about insurance and then his partner went off on a tangent about the secret service and their powers to stop me leaving if I was unhappy (I can always come home was part of my argument).

Now I agree I am probably not wholly prepared but who is for something like this?!I haven't spoke to him since (I have to pop down to his house to see him). He telephoned a couple of days after the above argument to again get on at me: "You're not prepared" "The political situation isn't safe" "How will you cope if you have an accident?" "You couldn't cope when you fractured both your wrists last year : how will you cope?" However, neither of my parents have been supportive in helping me "prepare" on any level. I haven't heard from him since and my Mum is equally unhelpful.

My Mother is narcissistic in a word; dismissive, rude and all about herself. On Wednesday we (Mum, step-dad and I) took my guinea pig to a rescue centre to be re-homed. She dominated (with irrelevant rubbish) the conversation with the lady who runs the rescue and then on the way back we stopped to get something to eat and I offered to pay as a thank you for driving. My step-dad wanted a pie, Mum wanted a meal and cake which was fair enough and then "she also wanted a second cake. I didn't have enough with £10 so ironically, she ended up paying for her own cakes.

Yesterday, she comes into my room (I've lived at home since May 2013), while I was watching a film and starts an extended conversation .... and then wants to know what I'm doing with the rug that I have my room and dropping heavy hints that it will look lovely in her room. I bought this rug for my room when I lived in a shared house having saved up for an age for it and it is beautiful. To be honest I want to say no, you can't have it as I know they value of nothing (and know the price of everything). I previous loaned them a heater I bought to use in a shared house and when I moved into a house where the heating was excellent allowed them to take it to use in their caravan. However, when I moved again and asked for the heater back they complained they were using it (Oh how selfish, you expect us to be cold when we go away to the caravan!") and then that it had "broke." I noticed that it was still in the loft earlier this year and that they took it to the caravan park when they docked the caravan.

I haven't told anyone properly at work yet (although my last shift should be Monday) as my VISA still hasn't arrived and up until recently it wasn't 100% I would be going due to issues with documents. I've talked a little about it to one person but she hasn't bothered to reply to my last text, I told her I had applied for my VISA. I honestly don't think for a minute its all about me but surely some of it could be about me?

I would desperately like for someone to be happy and as excited for me as I am, to share ideas on what bits and pieces to buy and take and to want to have a farewell meal / drink.

I feel I am the only person in the world in this situation.

Thanks for listening

TD

OP, could the reason your parents are not supportive is that your English language skills are quite poor? You have dozens of straightforward English mistakes in the post I've quoted alone. Maybe when you finish your CELTA course and have your spelling, punctuation and grammar to a high enough standard to teach English, your parents will be encouraging, and you will be able to represent the UK in a positive light?

There was another poster a few months ago who wanted to teach English abroad, but they wanted us (i.e. the MSE forum-goers) to check the (dreadful) English in their introductory letter! :rotfl: Thankfully you're not as arrogant as that, but please do remember that you're going to be an ambassador while you're abroad, whether you like it or not. I would suggest that you ask your English tutor to help with your capital letters, commas, apostrophes, hyphens and sentence structures in particular.

I'm not going to go through your post with a red font for you, but please, please do stop shouting about your visa! "Hey, I've applied for a VISA! I'm getting a VISA!" Yikes!

I wish you the best of luck with your CELTA course. English is a particularly difficult language for beginners, but it's so wonderfully malleable when you reach the advanced levels.

Pyxis

With regard to the rug, it seems to me that it is a cherished possession of yours.

What I might do is to lend it to mum, but make it absolutely clear it is on loan and not a gift. Make absolutely sure she is clear on that point. Go as far as saying that you are not giving it to her, but that you are just lending it, and that when you return, you would want it back. You may need to say that two or three times! If there's any ambiguity in her replies to that, then put the rug in store!

NinjaSavingKat

Hello there... I just wanted to drop in and say a massive CONGRATULATIONS in getting out there and getting what you want. I looked at the CELTA course myself and know it's in the region of £1500 (for those who don't know).

You either do it over 3 months part time or 1 month full time - and it is tough. It's the highest, most well recognized international qualification in teaching English as a foreign language and you should be very proud of yourself.

It has taken me two years to clear my debt and save enough money to go on a sabbatical for 5 years. Other people will never understand the mental, physical and materialistic sacrifices you have made along the way - most of my friends are only just about aware of what I am capable of.

Your parents won't see you as capable as they clearly don't understand what you have done. I kept to my own bubble whilst debt-busting and saving - working 60 hour weeks to boot.

Perhaps you should sit down with your Dad and tell him what you have done to get where you are now, make him realize just how tough it's been. Tell your Mum that rug is going to someone else because I get the feeling it might go on a journey of it's own while you are away and end up in her room anyway.

My cousin spent 3 years in South Korea and yes she had problems trying to leave prior to her contract ending. Ensure that it written down somewhere that you can indeed leave when you want. I have a friend in South Korea at the moment also teaching English who I don't believe will ever come back - they loved it there. Yes it's very different but that's the whole idea of going in the first place right?

Go resign from work- tell everyone you are going. I have 19 working days left and am screaming it from the roof-tops..

Jealousy will raise it's ugly head in some people as they wouldn't have been unaware of what you are capable of. Other people may never be happy for you so waiting for a text from that "friend" might be a waste of your precious time left in the UK.....

The very best of luck to you

NSK..

NinjaSavingKat

PenguinJim wrote: »

OP, could the reason your parents are not supportive is that your English language skills are quite poor? You have dozens of straightforward English mistakes in the post I've quoted alone. Maybe when you finish your CELTA course and have your spelling, punctuation and grammar to a high enough standard to teach English, your parents will be encouraging, and you will be able to represent the UK in a positive light?

There was another poster a few months ago who wanted to teach English abroad, but they wanted us (i.e. the MSE forum-goers) to check the (dreadful) English in their introductory letter! :rotfl: Thankfully you're not as arrogant as that, but please do remember that you're going to be an ambassador while you're abroad, whether you like it or not. I would suggest that you ask your English tutor to help with your capital letters, commas, apostrophes, hyphens and sentence structures in particular.

I'm not going to go through your post with a red font for you, but please, please do stop shouting about your visa! "Hey, I've applied for a VISA! I'm getting a VISA!" Yikes!

I wish you the best of luck with your CELTA course. English is a particularly difficult language for beginners, but it's so wonderfully malleable when you reach the advanced levels.

Could you be any more patronising?

moneyistooshorttomention

One thing I've learnt myself is that parents tend to have a set of assumptions in their head about how their "children" will lead their lives. These assumptions are quite often based on what would suit the parents and not the person themselves.

It's entirely understandable and I'm not condemning anyone's parents for that fact (yours/mine/anyone else's). We all make assumptions about our own life (even when its interlinked with someone else's life).

I would hazard a guess that your parents' set of assumptions has included "She will always be around somewhere nearby and if/when sister is still alive, but we cant take care of her any longer, then Big Sis would step in".

That would be understandable if they were thinking that way. I know my parents turned out to have their own set of assumptions about my life, but these clashed head-on with what I needed to do (ie it was LONG past time I had the type of house that would "do me" to live in for the rest of my life and it simply wasn't possible for me to afford it in my home area).

I had been sitting there all those years in my starter house and simply had no choice but to move to get the "rest of life house".

Your parents are possibly fearful that you will "meet Someone" whilst abroad and then never come back and their plans for The Rest Of Your Life (if need be) may not come to be. If you do (meet Someone that is) then you do....

You have spent long enough preparing to get your life "on track" and now need to get on and do so. You are at an age where you can't afford to "hang around and hope" for that any longer. You have to get on and take life by the scruff of the neck and get it "on track".

moneyistooshorttomention

NinjaSavingKat wrote: »

Could you be any more patronising?

I didn't read that as patronising.

I read it as making a valid point and trying to be helpful (and aware of OP's responsibilities to her future students). She does need to improve her own English language skills.

NinjaSavingKat

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

I didn't read that as patronising.

I read it as making a valid point and trying to be helpful (and aware of OP's responsibilities to her future students). She does need to improve her own English language skills.

I don't see it as being helpful. It's patronising and a little rude to be honest. The OP didn't come to this forum for help on her English skills which I am sure take form when required in a more formal setting.