'You look well' - invisible illness - how to respond when you feel ghastly?

marisco_2

I would like to thank you very much for sharing such an insightful piece of writing. You have really taught me something valuable today OP.

meer53

I'd just say, "thank you, you look good today too"

Better_Days

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:
Ahh didn't expect to get some laughs from this thread. I am clearly taking life to seriously. Love the image of melted chocy spanners (anything chocy is good).

CRANKY40 So sorry to hear about your DH. It must have been devastating at a time in your life when everything should have been coming together with career and family. You have my deepest sympathy for both you and your son.:(:(:(

Loved your 'feeling like' examples, they come from the heart. You are so right - get the thanks in first, and a smile goes a long way, thanks for the advice . Impulse control can be sorely tested though , and you have certainly had to cope with some unbelievable insensitivity. My husband says that unless someone has gone through it people don't truly understand, and certainly for many it is difficult to understand how every aspect of life is impacted.

ljonski
Well if you were nauseus, completly fatigued and on the toilet all day, then your kitchen might look the same! :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:
Couldn't have put it better myself!!

CH27

Better_Days wrote: »

Thanks marisco. You are right, it isn't malicious at all, and I know people are trying to help. I like the suggested respons 'I wish I felt as well as you think I look'. I don't want to bore people with my illness, but I feel the devastating impact on my life can't go unacknowledged.

borkid very sorry to hear your daughter has ME. Me too! The support and understanding of family is so important. Unfortunately the illness is so poorly understood and perceived, even by healthcare professionals. My GP said to me once that she was horrified when she read on my DLA application how my functioning was affected. She didn't disbelieve me, she just had no idea.

My husband says exactly the same thing as you - people only see me when I am well enough to get out of bed, and rarely out of the house. They don't see all the rest that is needed and the excerbation of symptoms following minimal activity.

It's very hard for people to empathise with something they cannot imagine & probably don't want to imagine.
It's hard enough for us that have problems to get our own heads around it at times.

I would rather someone try to boost me than ignore me though.

Better_Days

marisco wrote: »

I would like to thank you very much for sharing such an insightful piece of writing. You have really taught me something valuable today OP.

Yes, I think the piece explains well the difference between knowing about the symptoms of an illness and understanding the impact they can have on daily life.

jaylee3

I don't think when someone says 'you look well today,' they actually mean 'you look fine, you're obviously not ill!'

I think that's what you think they mean, but they don't.

I am struggling to see why anyone would be upset by someone saying 'you look well.'

At the same time, it's a phrase that really irks me for some reason.

I think some people struggle for something to say, and this is just something to say... Whenever I (and DH) see someone we haven't seen in a wee while, they either say: 'are you working?' OR 'you look well,' OR they talk about the weather.

In the old town I grew up in, I HATE going back there now, because all anyone says (who knew me as a child,) is 'how's yer mom?' 'How's your auntie Vee,' or 'how's your auntie Mel?' And they never ever say 'how are YOU?!' to me!

I think some people just have rather mundane lives and consequently, have very little to talk about.

hazyjo

I'd just reply with 'I wish I felt on the inside how I look on the outside then!'.


My BF went up the high street the other day and bumped into a next door neighbour. She rarely speaks and we rarely see them. She's walked straight past several times and totally blanked us when coming out of/going into our cars/houses. Bit of a strange one she is. Anyway, he was next to her in a queue so she couldn't avoid a hello - and he said he was so lost for words he just went 'oh hello there, you're looking, ummm, erm, 'healthy'. HEALTHY?! He's been facepalming himself ever since. He just didn't know what to say to her.


Sometimes people feel the need to say something and more often enough it's to make them feel better about themselves. We have a terminally ill family friend and I can hear my mum going 'you're looking well, Roy'. It's just the British thing, I guess. I've always known people to say how well someone looks when they're quite obviously at their absolute worst. Not like they'd walk in and go 'bloody hell, you look like absolute sh**' is it?!


On a good day (if any - or in the past) what would you honestly say to someone if you visited them when they were poorly, maybe in hospital or at home recovering from something major?


Jx

sleepymans

My late MIL had friends who were "dropped" as soon as they started to talk about their illnesses. All I mean to say is that ones health or lack of it is not always of any interest to anyone else.
harsh but true.

Brighton_belle

I know it's really hard for those of you reading this, who haven't been through something like this to understand what could possibly be upsetting about being told how well you look. On the face of it does seem silly. But perhaps hearing some of us say it can (note 'can') be very painful, will help you be an even better friend to those in your life with long term 'invisible' illnesses.


I've been through this and I'm trying to find a way to explain - it's not that you think the person telling you it is actually saying 'you're not really ill', it's more like it's a bucket of cold water in the phrases total lack of empathy over how ill you do and have felt for a long time and how it is wrecking your life.
If you met some one you knew who actually told you they were dying and had 2 months to live, and you told the how well they were looking (because they did look well still at that point) then it wouldn't be unreasonable to suggest that that response lacked any empathy to the situation...and it's a bit like that, though I am not suggesting actually dying is on a par, but trying to give an example of when telling someone how well they look, even if they do, could be 'upsetting'.


I definitely learnt to just say 'thank you very much' though - it's not worth the stress. And I didn't want people to ever avoid me but to have enjoyed bumping into me. People say it because they lack the imagination to know what else to say, and they ultimately mean it kindly, even if it can leave you feeling very alone and in despair.
There were times when I definitely would have preferred to look as ill as I felt - it was not always a comfort to look full of health because it fuelled the guilt over being ill and the fear of being a fraud that invisible illness can bring.
2 decades on and I'm better, but I know what to say to someone who is long term ill, and I never tell them how well they look - I'll tell them they look fab in their gorgeous dress , or how much I enjoyed bumping into them or I know I'm only seeing them on a good day and how much it took to get out for a few hours.
Or I'll say, "you look really well but I appreciate that does not reflect how you actually feel for so much of the time". That final one covers everything - gives the boost people want to give to tell someone they look good, but shows empathy that you understand the fuller picture. Everyone's a winner.

Lily-Rose_3

"Oh that is kind of you...I don't feel so great, and I have good days and bad, but thank you anyway."