'You look well' - invisible illness - how to respond when you feel ghastly?

pickledonionspaceraider

I think people are just trying to be nice.

Maybe you DO actually look well and people aren't just giving niceties, maybe they are genuine. In which case it is a lovely compliment.

Please don't have a pop at people who try to pay you a compliment as you may find that they stop bothering. I would be embarrassed to the max if I paid someone a compliment and they thought I was taking the mickey or something - I would likely avoid them like the plague again

I can see your point though, you do have a lot going on, and hope you find a way to deal with it that makes you feel comfortable

heartbreak_star

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

After all, the alternative is them telling me I look like a bag of melted chocolate spanners.

I just nearly snorted Diet Coke on my keyboard...:rotfl:

Regarding the OP, I would just say thank you and leave it there if it's genuinely misplaced kindness, or give a swift explanation if they're being snarky.

HBS x

Better_Days

Thank you everyone for your very kind responses, support and for sharing your experiences. It has been very helpful.

I am aware I didn't deal with it very well yesterday, and just wanted to know what you thought.

Wishes for continued good health to all of you that have it and hopes for better health for those that don't.

lostinrates

Better_Days wrote: »

LIR all kinds of stress make my symptoms worse. That includes emotional stress. Since I have been ill I have had much less emotional resilience. That is why I am trying to find an appropriate response that isn't mean, but which I am also comfortable with. It is currently affecting me.

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Tbh, I think most people with most invisible illnesses, visible ones, or just.....suffering life, probably feel the same. If not allways, then a proportion of the time.

I still believe, despite any emotional crisis I might have, its not the fault of someone going through a social nicety.

For all I know they too might be suffering something invisible they haven't shared with me and my rebuttal might be a straw on their camel's back for that day. Or for the friend ship.

marisco_2

fufu_banterwaite wrote: »

I have really bad hayfever so know exactly how you feel.

Bad hayfever is a highly aggravating but manageable condition. Hardly comparable to what someone suffers when they have a chronic disabling illness. Sorry but I cant help but feel your comment undermines the gravity of what the OP has to cope with day in and day out.

whitewing

I took it that fufu_b was comparing themselves to people who don't suffer from hayfever, rather than the OP.

166million

I think if you feel like people may not believe you really are ill, then 'you look well' can sound like it's meant to mean 'you don't look ill (therefore you are not ill)' people probably don't mean it like that though

Better_Days

Thank you for your empathy marisco

As an aside I came across this a few years ago. It was written by a lady with lupus but it explains very well the impact of chronic illness, symptom control and limited energy and the choices that this entails. It's quite long, but it is worth a read.
http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/wpress/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/

CRANKY40

They probably are trying to make you feel better, so my reply would be along the lines of "Thank you, it's nice to know that I look like a fully functioning member of the human race despite" and then add on a bit that describes your day. I'll give you a few to start you off

feeling like I've been chewed up and spat out by something large and furry
spending the last week thinking I'd never leave the house or have human company again
feeling like something that the cat has sicked up
feeling dreadful

As long as you get the thank you in, you can then tell them how it is. That lets them know that you appreciate their effort to cheer you. Having fought off the urge to punch people who told me that I was lucky to be able to take a career break (my husband died and our son was four at the time) or that I was lucky to have my memories (hang on, I'm 42, I should be lucky if my husband did the housework, not dropped dead so I could remember him) the only insight that I can truly offer is that unless people have gone through something themselves, they will never truly get it, and all attempts at support should probably be met with a smile rather than physical violence.

ljonski

With invisible but chronic illnesses, they really do wear you down after a while and a well intentiioned comment can be misinterpreted.
What i find after 8 years of suffering , is that it is very annoying for people who know that you are ill but have no idea of how it affects you day by day in diet, enthusiasm and energy levels. Criticism about the state of the kitchen or fridge.
Well if you were nauseus, completly fatigued and on the toilet all day, then your kitchen might look the same!